I went to the movies with my mom. We saw "La Misma Luna" (Under the Same Moon). I cried a lot. I've mentioned I cry easily with movies, well, I cried more than usual. If you have a chance go check this movie out, I think you could like it. =)

Oh my... I'll be back to school next Tuesday, it sucks, doesn't it? Actually I'm not sure of how I feel about this. I'm SO bored that school won't do any harm, but I just remembered, school is hard. I haven't read all the things I should have read. And my friends, my friends at school don't get me, to them I'm this huge sort of okay loser they hang with for some strange reason. I shouldn't care, I know. I can't stop being me, even though it would be better if I did. Anyway, this post is bringing me down so I should stop right now.

XoXo
Gaby

I finished reading "Lust for Life", Van Gogh's biography by Irving Stone this morning. I loved it, and I highly recommend it.

Now I can't get enough of Vincent Van Gogh. I want to know it all. This tends to happen to me, with things... new things. Not that Van Gogh is new to me, but reading about his life was different. Now I'm dying to read Letters to Theo, and to see the beautiful Starry Night in the Museum of Modern Art in New York.

This book was both inspiring and interesting, I kept underlining my favorite parts. I never do this by the way, cause I "respect" books way too much, but this time it didn't feel that wrong. It was a beautiful experience, just getting to know the mind of this misunderstood genius. I feel like I know him, but more importantly I feel like I love him, he inspires me. Not only was he a genius but he was a good person, like me. Ok, way more than me.

Many things of Van Gogh's life remain in my mind and I hope they always do. Van Gogh loved painting above all, and that's the only explanation to why he kept painting when it was obviously hard and apparently useless. He was a genius, a crazy genius, yet he suffered because of this. And Theo (his brother), we should all have a Theo in our lives.

"As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed." -Vincent Van Gogh

XoXo
Gaby

I'm proud to say I've finished reading Mal de Amores by Angeles Mastretta. I don't know why, but finishing books has been harder lately. Now I'm reading Lust for Life by Irving Stone, and I'm loving it so far. Mal de Amores was not my kind of novel, I've just accepted that I'm not into romantic novels. I didn't love The Notebook and apparently everyone did but me, because I'm the Grinch or something. So, I'll avoid any romantic novel. What is wrong with me? Doesn't every girl in the planet love romantic novels?

Anyway.

Good news. I already have my driving license, it was surprisingly easy. The weird thing: I'm not done with my driving lessons. It's a long/frustrating story, I planned everything to be over by Friday, but it's Tuesday and I'm still not sure of when I'll be done. Ok, the point is: I'm almost there.

Yesterday I went to the movies with my mom and saw Juno, which I loved. At some point I cried. You know? I cry too much with movies, sometimes I even cry with the movie trailers. A little bit stupid, I know.

After the movie she bought me some make up: a black eye liner and awesome eye shadows. I would post a picture of those beautiful eye shadows but it wouldn't capture their awesomeness. I can't wait to use them, but they're the kind of shadows for parties. And I don't see a party coming soon, so I'm totally dying here, and wearing them on an ordinary day won't do.

I'm so bored by the way, I mean, my reading is great but I really need to get out. And I don't mean the movies or out for dinner, I need loud music and drunk friends, and alcohol, and all those beautiful things.

In other news...

I finally found a friend that shares my frustration, a frustration that has been killing me since quite a long time. I tortured myself thinking I was being crazy for feeling that way, but turns out it is completely human and understandable, still stupid, but at least I know someone feels the same way, and just as me, she really doesn't know how to make things right.

Now you don't know what I'm talking about. I think I explained it before, but it wouldn't make any good for me to mention it once again. They are like the most selfish sentiments ever. And you've already seen too much of my selfish self.

XoXo
Gaby

How many times do I have to say "my life sucks" for it to be over?! Okay, I get it. It doesn't work that way. You know? Today wasn't even a bad day, it was okay...until something ruined it.

I realized I don't have a best friend, I don't even talk with the few friends that could fit in that category. And my friends don't even seem friends, I feel quite insignificant around them. I feel lonely and sad, and it sucks. I want to go to school so badly, just to keep my mind busy. How sad...

My driving lessons will finally be over tomorrow, I think I did well overall. I'll probably get my license on Saturday, and I guess that's good. I still need some practice, cause I'm not that good.

Yesterday I went out with some friends, and it was mostly nice, I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a while, and I told him about my misadventures cause everyone here is sick of hearing them, LOL, just kidding, I don't even talk about my stupid misadventures to my "friends". But I did told him. It was good. The only bad thing about the whole night was that we went to a restaurant, and somehow we ended leaving a one peso tip (which is nothing), and we should have left at least 70 pesos. The weird thing was most of us had left 10 pesos each, but someone didn't pay...and I know who that someone was! And that's why I don't like going to restaurants with him. Not leaving tips is one of the things I hate doing, maybe I was a waitress in another life. Anyway, I couldn't pay 70 pesos by myself just because someone was being cheap. I feel bad for the waiter who was very patient and nice to us. He must have hated us after seeing the tip.

XoXo
Gaby

I can't wait for these two weeks of vacation to be over. I know. It's stupid! I keep complaining about how frustrating school is, and now that I have two weeks to rest and have fun, I complain about that too. It's hard to explain, but I like my school life, even if that means bad grades and too much work. I like the people (most of them), and I like having something to do. Maybe a description of my vacation days would help.

You know what I did today? Watch TV. Yeah, Grey's Anatomy, Drake & Josh, Gilmore Girls, Cold Case, That' 70s Show, Hannah Montana, Will & Grace, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, Dr. 90210, E! weekly, Lindsay Lohan's E! True Hollywood Story, Friends, and Exposed. And I feel like I missing some.

I know! Too much!

I did do something today though. I had my first driving lessons, and it was okay, I learned a few things I didn't know (and I can't believe I didn't) about driving. Being positive I could say I was okay. I'm concerned about tomorrow though, I will be out on the street, and I know I'm not ready for that. Hopefully, I'll be ready tomorrow, or else that could turn into a rather traumatic experience.

Finally I should probably say something about yesterday.

Yesterday... I was sad, and wasn't there for a friend on her birthday! I never do this, I mean, I always do this but not on birthdays. It used to be my rule: not on birthdays.

It was... bad timing I guess. She called last minute, and it was Sunday, and you may not know this but I don't even shower on Sundays. So, there I was, unshowered, sad, tired, and some other excuses crossed my mind. It's no big deal, I really do believe that, I don't know if it is, but I'm quite certain it's not. So, what if I missed her birthday party? I didn't have a birthday party myself. And a party usually is the same with or without me.

I'm just afraid I'm doing it again, being too tired and sad to be there for my friends. I tend to do this, and I don't even feel like stopping and I know it's wrong. I'm such a horrible person sometimes...

Maybe I'm not in a very happy place and I don't want people to see me. And I don't want to see how okay they are and feel even worse about myself. I know! Selfish!

Maybe I like my school life because it keeps my mind busy, and I don't think about the things I don't have to. Things I think about when I have time (like these two weeks). This thinking is killing me I gotta tell you. And the whole boringness these last days is not helping, I'm left alone with my awful thoughts.

XoXo
Gaby

I'm sad... a little bit depressed perhaps. I keep blaming it on external factors, but I fear it comes from the inside. I wish I could have everything I keep wanting, and see if that makes me happy. I really believe it would, but something keeps telling me it wouldn't.

It really doesn't matter cause life is not giving me what I want, and I keep asking myself why. Sometimes I feel like crying: "It's not fair!"

XoXo
Gaby

The semana santa (holy week) has arrived, which means two weeks of vacation. I don't know why, but I'm not excited about it, I should be, even if I'm not going to the beach, I'm not going to school and that should be good enough. Maybe I like school too much, nah, that can't be.

I've been thinking of what to do in these two weeks. There has to be some studying at some point, TV definitely, movies, and I'll probably get wasted once or twice. I'll spend many many hours sleeping, and I'll finish reading Mal de Amores by Angeles Mastretta. And who knows, maybe I'll start a new book. Oh, I just realized most of my planned activities, are loner activities, yeah, maybe I don't feel like seeing people, ok, more like, I don't want to be seen by people. What's wrong with me?

I'll take driving lessons next week (cause I finally have time), I think that could be frustrating. I feel like driving is one of the things I'm not good at, but you know, there's stupid people driving all the time, why can't I? I'll be careful I promise. Anyway, I shouldn't start thinking I'm going to suck at it, I'll stay positive. How hard can it be? LOL.

XoXo
Gaby

I mentioned before I was getting braces this weekend, and I have. It's some serious pain I must say... ok now I'm being a drama queen, it's not that that bad but eating isn't fun anymore. I won't feel like eating until I get used to this, but it's ok, it will only last a year, and everyone keeps telling me it will be totally worth it. It better be!

I'm still not sure if I look good or not that bad, yesterday I felt like Josie Grossy from Never Been Kissed (love that movie by the way). Anyway, today I feel good about it.

My weekend was alright. I went out Friday and Saturday night with my friends from med school.

On Friday I went to a new club (new to me). At first, I didn't feel like going, but I shut down the "party pooper" inside of me and went. Danny, Kate and me got in without ID just to find out nobody else had arrived yet.

The place was full of preps from high school, it was weird cause I never see them. For some reason we never go to the "hot places", but apparently this time we were in Friday's hot place. So... good.

Mary arrived later with her brother and his friends. I didn't drink, and it was cool. You know...everytime I like "not drinking" more and more. So I was completely sober.

After a while, other guys from school arrived, and they were hanging with us girls. One guy was totally hitting on Kate, and we were all making fun of them, and he was being annoying. Poor Kate... thank God she wasn't sober.

One of the guys asked me my name, I keep being naive about these things and thought he was just being friendly. Anyway, he was quite nice to me all night, like friendly. I thought he would realize I was no fun, and get bored, but maybe I'm not that boring, that, or he liked my shyness. I don't know which of those is less inconceivable though. Danny kept making fun of him, pushing him against me, and asking him if he liked me. Poor him... I'm used to Danny's "childish" behavior but he kept trying to explain things to me. As if I didn't know Danny! Anyway, it was nice overall, he was being that friendly because he was a little bit drunk.

Saturday, I went to a school party, strangely nobody from school (but me and my friends) showed up. There was a lot of people and good music. I even saw other preps from high school, and had to said hi. No biggie though, I remember them being cool on high school.

XoXo
Gaby

Today's soundtrack:

1. Beautiful Stranger by Madonna
I looked into your face
My heart was dancing all over the place

2. Amnesia by Mozella
I wanna go back to the day before I met ya.
Things would be better
If I could forget ya.

3. No Me Digas Que No by Nikki Clan
You like being with me,
make me fly and think you want to be more than friends,
but then you play again.

4. When There Was Me and You by Vanessa Hudgens
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don’t really care

5. Illegal by Shakira
I'm starting to believe
it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

6. Angel by Sarah McLachlan
You spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day

7. Because I Can by Katy Rose
Mirror mirror won't you kiss my cheek
And tell me I'll be ok
And warm my spirit with your sugar lips
And help me wait for another day

8. Everyday I Love You Less and Less by Kaiser Chiefs
And everyday I love you less and less
You're turning into something I detest

9. Kiss the Girl by Ashley Tisdale
Ain't that sad
it's such a shame
Too bad, you're gonna miss the girl

10. Who Knows by Avril Lavigne
I think I like that you seem sincere
I think I like to get to know you a little bit more

XoXo
Gaby

The ink has given strength to my pain,
And has opened the door to desperation.
All denied resentment trapped in my veins,
Reflect on heavy drops falling on this paper.

Tender love wearing the friendly ribbon,
Has revealed itself to me tonight.
I kept repeating it couldn't be him,
But tonight I fear he's the only one.

His eyes find comprehension in mine,
Then choose to ignore my hand waiting for his.
We both play the game saying we don't care,
But tonight I know I care enough.

His evil chivalry deceived my mind,
The kindness and color he poured into life.
The wish of grayness to come back to me
Lingers on this cracking heart.

The scandalous imperfections I couldn't overlook,
Have a place upon my lips but ended on hers.
Perfect matching pieces, mine and his,
Separate soul mates. Meant to be.

I thought I would feel better about life if I did good at school, like I would feel good about myself, less dumb and less worthless, but I'm still quite empty. I'm not liking life, I think it actually sucks. I know people (including myself) say that too many times. But I don't care. I don't care if that's completely immature, and if it's just complaining about little things I hate.

I don't care because for a reason I feel like crying, and for a reason I want to stay in bed and hide forever. I hate happiness while I'm being miserable, actually all the happiness makes me realize how miserable I am, you know. Like I wouldn't even notice or bother to complain if everyone was as miserable as I am. It's not right for me to say this, but I hate people for being happy when I haven't been happy for quite a while, I hate life.

Sometimes it just hits me, I'm not that special, and I don't have much. I couldn't possibly blog about it, it's just too much, and things I've hidden inside for a reason.

I hate not being as special as I want to be, and I hate not having things I want. As spoiled as all my complaints may seem...that's the way it is.

Sometimes I feel like God has forgotten about me, because I know I have waited, and I have coped with all of it, and he doesn't seem to care at all. He doesn't even bother to give me a break.

I guess this is one of those days when I feel like dying or something.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. I know I will hate myself for blogging about this, it's just too pathetic, but I can't help it, it's all true.

Someone implied I was a two-faced person today. I don't know if he was talking about me, but it felt like it. It's not something I feel bad about, though. Sometimes I am two-faced. The weird thing: I almost feel good about myself for developing the ability to talk kindly to someone I really hate. If that makes me two-faced. Then...oh well, too bad.

I used to be this one-faced simple girl, but it didn't work, so I had to change, and now I'm a pretty two-faced girl. I know it's bad, but I'm not going to lie about it. To be honest, I'm even proud of this because I couldn't do it before. If I didn't like someone, I couldn't even look at the person, but now I can be kind and even friendly to those I despise. And I feel good because I can control all my anger, hatred or whatever, and I can be kind. Sometimes people like me while I hate them. What can I do about it...

I'm not that two-faced though. I would never talk shit about my true friends. And I will always do what I say, like I would never pretend I'm a super honest person if I wasn't (but I am, I swear). And I try not to judge people, because I know someday I could do whatever that person is doing.

Well, there it is. One of the things I shouldn't blog about because it doesn't make me look good. But, for what it's worth, I used to be good, but I really had to change, because it wasn't healthy, being a one-faced naive girl. It's better this way, I even feel bitchy. It's like my inner bitch is free every now and then.

XoXo
Gaby

This weekend was slightly boring. I went to the movies, did laundry, bought shoes, painted my nails, and found out I'll get braces in a week.


Today I realized there are things I don't talk about with my mom, certain topics we avoid. I wonder if we will ever talk about all those things. Sometimes I'm afraid to ask, afraid of what she may say, I don't know if I want to know it all, besides, I know there are things she doesn't want to remember. So, I'll wait for her to mention it, like today she told me about her first boyfriend. It was interesting, even though she didn't share that much. It was good to hear something new yet old.

She says I never share anything with her, but that's just the way I am. Maybe someday.

XoXo
Gaby