So, what do you do when you're too sad to pretend that you're happy?
It happened today, and it made me realize that I'm sadder than before. Pretending used to be an easy thing to do, I was so used to it that it came up naturally. I think today I showed more that I would have wanted. I showed a little hatred to people I despise, and I showed weakness to people that I fear.
And I'm more surprised by my fake smile, I don't know how can I smile, and arrive home and transform into someone that nobody knows, almost every day.
And we all have problems, and there's no perfect life. But I want to shout, and I want to scream, but I don't want to be heard. I want everyone to know that I'm sad and that I'm hurting, that I'm not happy and that I'm not quiet. But then I remember that this could bring some consequences, and I just shut up and smile, pretend to be serene and aloof.
If only I could have someone to talk to, someone I could trust, someone who wouldn't judge me, who would keep my secret, and who would understand. Somone like a friend...
And all I've done until now has been writing in my diary, in my blog, in letters I'll never send, and in places nobody knows.
And I'm afraid of what I'm capable of doing tomorrow, of something that I would regret or something I can't fix.
So, maybe all of these things are pure drama, but they feel so real, the sadness feels real, and my life feels suffocating.
XoXo
Gaby
It happened today, and it made me realize that I'm sadder than before. Pretending used to be an easy thing to do, I was so used to it that it came up naturally. I think today I showed more that I would have wanted. I showed a little hatred to people I despise, and I showed weakness to people that I fear.
And I'm more surprised by my fake smile, I don't know how can I smile, and arrive home and transform into someone that nobody knows, almost every day.
And we all have problems, and there's no perfect life. But I want to shout, and I want to scream, but I don't want to be heard. I want everyone to know that I'm sad and that I'm hurting, that I'm not happy and that I'm not quiet. But then I remember that this could bring some consequences, and I just shut up and smile, pretend to be serene and aloof.
If only I could have someone to talk to, someone I could trust, someone who wouldn't judge me, who would keep my secret, and who would understand. Somone like a friend...
And all I've done until now has been writing in my diary, in my blog, in letters I'll never send, and in places nobody knows.
And I'm afraid of what I'm capable of doing tomorrow, of something that I would regret or something I can't fix.
So, maybe all of these things are pure drama, but they feel so real, the sadness feels real, and my life feels suffocating.
XoXo
Gaby
10 Comments:
Sweetie you really need to find a counselor to talk to. These feelings need to be dealt with; not locked away into a little dark corner of yourself. Please please get help and don't do anything.
Oh Gaby,
i am so sad to hear what you wrote. all of us are in need of a trustable, honest friend. hope you will find him/her sooner than you expect. Just remember that these unhappy days will last sooner or later and then you will be an experienced adult. such is life!
Hasta Luego!
I totally agree with Faith. Maybe a counselor is better than a friend because then they don't KNOW you, know you. Does that make sense? Sometimes you need to talk to someone that sees you objectively, not personally. Just don't do something you think you'll regret--or can't fix-later. Chin up there, girlio.
I agree with faith to you needto discuss these things with someone who might be able to help you sort through them. Don't lock them away. I bet you'll find that you are not the only one with these feelings.
WTF?
What's with all the "mature" responses here?
She's supposed to be 17, THESE FEELINGS ARE NORMAL!
You wanna send her off to a therapist and have her get drugged up or something?
Also, too many shrinks focus on talking all about those negative feelings.
Gaby, find stuff that cheers you up. Search high and low, don't give up.
Once you find something that brings a smile to your face milk it for what it's worth.
TIP: It's probably going to be something IN YOU, or A PART OF YOU.
buena suerte
-oScar
Oh, yeah.
Work on building realtionships with friends and family.
In general males are better at keeping secrets than girls, even though it can be tough to find one that listens well and doesn't try to fix everything.
But keep looking, you'll find someone.
You need to know that things WILL get better. About a year ago I ended a two-year stretch of depression. I felt sad, worthless, pathetic, and utterly beyond help.
If there's anything you need to understand, it's that when you think these things about yourself, YOU'RE WRONG. I can tell just by reading your blog that you're a fantastic writer, for starters. And you've got a good heart. But something in your life isn't working for you, and you need to either change it or talk to someone else to help you change it.
Hello.
I would like you as a renter but I had several people that were on a waiting list. But next Saturday I promise to take you. I will give it to you for a reduced rate. LOL
One of the best things about getting older (there has to be something to compensate) is the realisation that you don't need another person, you dont need someone to talk to and spill your problems out to.
In any case, I've found that 3 weeks is long enough for any kind of sadness, whether you have ennui or a broken heart. It's amazing how tough the human heart really is.
It's true.
This equals my life last week. It's scary how accurate what you described is. I can relate.
And Faith is right. You should get a counselor. I just got one! Whoo. It's just nice to talk things out with a stranger you can trust. I really like it.
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