It doesn't feel right
posted by Gabriela on Sunday, July 30, 2006| 1 Comments

I've started doing exercise, and I must tell you...it doesn't feel right. It hurts and I feel like my head's going to explode...is that even normal? I know that I suck at sports and maybe that's the reason...but is it unhealthy or will I get used to it?

Yesterday I tried to write a poem quickly, and well I don't know if it turned out well. I usually take my time for writing stuff, but this time I tried to change my writing process...so I had to really focus. This meant...no food, no tv, no dancing, no singing...while I was writing. Here's the final result, let me know what you think:

Self-Esteem Decayed

The spirit within feels deeply unloved,
As the frail body alone keeps standing.
Her own eyes are judging: "She'll never be loved."
Disgusted by the reflection staring.

Words keep pounding: "She's the one to blame."
"Not easy to love, she's tough, she's afraid".
Agonizing in her corner of shame,
Unreachable, her self-esteem decayed.

Ugly and broken, she rejects herself,
Craving for love, but nobody will dare,
To touch her thin skin that's harming itself,
Her fool pain, nobody deserves to share.

If you're wondering, why I wrote this... one day I was standing in front of the mirror, and I hated what I saw. And the worst thing was that I realized that nobody will ever love me, because I don't even love myself. It was, and still is pretty sad...but still true.

By the way, I wasn't sure about the title, my options were: "She rejects herself", "Fool pain", and "Self-Esteem Decayed".

XoXo

Gaby




Why do I suck at sports?!
posted by Gabriela on | 4 Comments

Why do I suck at sports?! I don't know!

And it didn't bother me at all before... just when I was picked up last for any sports team, but that was a long time ago. Anyway, the other day the doctor told me to do some kind of excercise. People have given me that advice several times but I've never considered it until now. The reason? It's very simple, the doctor explained to me that excercising would make me happy....blah blah blah. The thing is that maybe he's right...probably, since he's a doctor. And I'm just tired of crying everyday, so I'll give it a try. So, now I have to do some kind of exercise and I don't even know where to start, I really suck at any sport. And I mean it, I've tried everything but nothing seems to work for me...just ballet but that was a long time ago and now I'm too old. I don't even know somebody who sucks as much as I do in sports...I'm slow, I'm afraid, I'm self-conscious, I'm weak....And I don't even smoke!!!! What the hell is wrong with me?! Seriously!

Any advice would be appreciated.

XoXo
Gaby




Jane Eyre
posted by Gabriela on Friday, July 28, 2006| 0 Comments

Today I looked up Jane Eyre's quotes, and I remembered the whole book. What a beautiful novel! I really loved it and can't wait to read it again. I can't believe there's people that find it boring and bad. Well, who cares!

Here's one of the quotes that I found:

"I had not intended to love him; the reader knows I had wrought hard to
extirpate from my soul the germs of love there detected; and now, at the first
renewed view of him, they spontaneously revived, great and strong! He made me
love him without looking at me" (Chapter 17). Jane says this when she sees
Rochester again after his absence. She had tried to talk herself out of
loving him, but it was impossible. This is also an example of one of the
times that Jane addresses the reader.


I know this post is kind of boring, but I just wanted to share this with you.


XoXo
Gaby




Nevertheless fun
posted by Gabriela on Monday, July 24, 2006| 0 Comments

Yesterday I went to Sakura's place and watched "Love Actually", I enjoyed the movie, it was quite good. Actually I had way too much fun. During the movie I really laughed, really, really laughed, until it hurt...it still hurts, my throat feels weird. Well, actually the movie wasn't that funny, there were just random things happening with Sakura's dog, a french poodle called "Perrito" (which means little dog in Spanish) . By the way, now I call him "apestoso" (which means stinky in Spanish). That may give you a clue of why we were laughing.

This was the stupid process. First I started laughing and it lasted a while and then Sakura started laughing, and it lasted even more...and then we had to rewind the movie because we had missed a part of it while we were laughing. Seriously, it really hurt my stomach and my throat, I usually don't laugh like that, you know...loudly. But yesterday, there wasn't anyone who would be bothered by my loud laughter, so I just let go of everything that had stopped me before. We rewinded the movie so many times, it was annoying...but nevertheless fun.




The fact that I'm boring
posted by Gabriela on Saturday, July 22, 2006| 1 Comments

Once again, I'm listening to Emiliana Torrini. This time, I'm listening to the song "Today Has Been OK". It's amazing how, just the title, kind of makes me feel better about my life. Weird... Well, this is my favorite part:

Wind has burned your skin
The lovely air so thin
The salty water's underneath your feet
No one's gone in vain
Here is where you'll stay
'Cause life has been insane but
Today has been ok

Actually today has been OK. I bought new notebooks for school, and this will sound a little weird but that's kind of fun for me, there's just something about it, maybe that it somehow represents a brand new start. I don't know. But I really enjoy going to Office Depot, and looking at the stuff, and choosing notebooks with fun and pretty covers. I know, that's stupid. Today my friends invited me to just waste time with them, but I just didn't feel like going. I know...I'm pretty boring, that kind of brings me down. You know, the fact that I'm boring.

XoXo
Gaby




My volcano!!!!!
posted by Gabriela on Tuesday, July 18, 2006| 1 Comments


Today I searched in Google "Volcano", and I found out something I didn't want to find. You see, I've always dreamed about going down a volcano, and this information pretty much ruined that for me. What the fuck? I hate this!!!

"The stories about going down the throat of an old volcano are pretty much
science fiction. The last stage of most eruptions involves lava or ash or debris
falling back down the conduit so usually there are no long vertical shafts to
climb down. "
Here's the link, if you're interested: http://volcano.und.edu/

Well, my dream of building an igloo and spending the night there, keeps going. I just found a web site, with very useful instructions to get it done. Yay!!!! Well, that's great. Hopefully someday it will come true.



XoXo
Gaby




I don't think so
posted by Gabriela on Sunday, July 16, 2006| 0 Comments

Today I watched "Tiara Girls", because there was nothing else to watch. I found out that almost every girl in the show, didn't win. And that most of them didn't care about being smart, going to college, and described the experience of winning a beauty pageant as "the best feeling ever". Hmm, I don't think so. Well, I must confess that watching all those beauty pageants made me want to participate in one, it looks like fun. Though I don't think I would win. Not only because I'm not that pretty, but I also don't have the confidence and the experience that those girls have. Besides, I don't think I would agree to spend so much money because of a beauty pageant, it wouldn't feel right. After watching all those episodes of "Tiara Girls", I learned something (that's right), sometimes all it takes is to be confident, and do your best. There's just a problem...how can I get some confidence?

XoXo
Gaby




Not Sakura
posted by Gabriela on Thursday, July 13, 2006| 0 Comments

Here I am again, trying to find something to write about. I'll try...so, here's my amusing anecdote (as Fez would say):

My friend Sakura went to the movies yesterday, and she just found out that the ticket, which normally costs $35 (pesos), on a Wednesday it costs $27. I already knew that, and I thought everyone did, but not Sakura. Now she refuses to go to the movies, if it's not Wednesday. And that really sucks, because I can't wait to watch many movies....Superman, Over the Hedge, and the sequel of Pirates of the Caribbean.

Right now, I'm starving, and listening to the song "To Be Free" by Emiliana Torrini. That's a good song...peaceful and with beautiful lyrics.

XoXo
Gaby




Liar!!! I am the bitch, and you love me
posted by Gabriela on Wednesday, July 12, 2006| 0 Comments


I think I need to get a boyfriend...or a life. I'm not that desperate for a boyfriend, it just seems like everybody feels bad about "my situation" being single and stuff. Who cares? The other day my grandmother told me: "You're going to have a boyfriend, and he'll dance with you". (You know, she's very positive about that.) What the fuck!!!!! I don't even like dancing with someone...well a slowdance would be alright. Anyway, what the fuck!!!! Just today my aunt told me: "I had a lot of boyfriends when I was young, and I wasn't that pretty". This is my interpretation of that sentence: "Don't feel bad for being ugly, you'll find someone." What the fuck!!!! I know it's weird that I haven't had someone yet, but at this point, I don't really care. There's some more shit in my mind, and that's not it.

Ok, I'm done with that. New topic...

Today I watched That 70s Show, just an old episode. But I loved when Jackie said: "Liar!!! I am the bitch, and you love me". I know it's not funny this way, but if you watch the episode it is.

Right now, I'm obsessed with the song "Crooked Teeth" by Death Cab For Cutie. I don't know why. But that song rocks my world.

Here is my favorite part of the lyrics:
You're so cute when you're slurring your speech
but they're closing the bar and they want us to leave
And you can't find nothin' at all if there was nothin' there all along
I'm a war of head verses heart and it's always this way
My head is weak and my heart always speaks before I know what it will say

I hope you enjoyed my crappy life.

XoXo

Gaby




Growing Rose
posted by Gabriela on Tuesday, July 11, 2006| 0 Comments

I've noticed that all I write is about sadness. So I'll try to change that...though it will be weird. So, maybe not today, ok, alright...I'll give it a try...So here it is...

I've been thinking about ways to make money...and I don't have many ideas, at least not good ones. It sucks...because I really want money. I want shoes, I want clothes, I want... I don't know...many things.

I wrote a haiku, a few days ago, it's about a rose, and I wrote it for a contest. By the way, I always lose in those contests...let's see what happens this time. I hope you like it.



"Growing Rose"
Morning dew lingers,
Upon soft ruby petals,
Growing beauty breathes.


There's nothing else to tell. I'm watching "One Tree Hill". A great TV show.


XoXo
Gaby




It's actually going to happen
posted by Gabriela on Sunday, July 09, 2006| 0 Comments


I can't believe it's actually going to happen.

I've always been worried and scared about my future. I want so much in life, but I have so little, and I wonder if I will ever accomplish everything I want. I have few things in life, which I don't take for granted. I'm thankful for everything I have in life, but that's not enough when you're trying to survive in this world.

I have what most people would call low self-esteem, and I can't help it....I don't have any talent, I don't feel like I'm capable of actually doing something in life. But today, I realized that maybe life will give me something that I know I can't possibly deserve, but still, I'm going to have, what I've always wanted...the future that I've dreamed of.

Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't...but today I felt, that I may actually have a chance, I'm on the right path. Maybe life will make it up to me, after all I've been through. Maybe I deserve it. I don't know...

I've always felt that life's been good to me in a way, everything I've really wanted and needed, I've had it. I've had a somehow hard life but I wouldn't change anything about it, I've had a few amazing things, that were all worth it. And that's just...beautiful.


I always get what I want...that sounds awful but it's true, when I've wanted something so much, I've had it...Can it be possible that this will happen once more?

XoXo
Gaby




Nobody's There
posted by Gabriela on Thursday, July 06, 2006| 0 Comments

Today I didn't feel so useless, I actually did something. Nothing really interesting, so I won't give any more details. Today I also remembered that my life's not the way I want it to be, at least I'm not who I want to be. I just want to know what to do with myself, but I don't. I just walk through life but I don't even know if I'm getting there, or how I will get there. I don't even know what's there.
I'm really sad right now, I've been worse, but I am a little sad. I even cried while I was watching "Wake Me Up When September Ends" music video. I'm all alone, if only...I could reach for someone's hand. But I know, nobody's there.




Miss Independent
posted by Gabriela on Wednesday, July 05, 2006| 0 Comments

There's not much to tell about today. I didn't cry, so I guess that's a good thing. And I didn't sleep...but I will, as soon as I'm done writing this new entry. Today I talked to people, which is definitely not my thing, but I had to, and it wasn't too bad. I'm still kind of scared because next semester, I'll be on my own, I don't have any real friends left, just Sakura but she's not in my school. So, next semester will be interesting, I'll be Miss Independent.

Right now, I'm listening to a song called "Ugly", I really liked the lyrics, I can totally relate.

My insides are turning inside out
Leaving my heart, my flaws all hanging out

And I can't look at myself,
I can't find nothing special hiding in me.
And I can't look at myself,
You tell me it's there to see,
But all I see is so ugly.

XoXo
Gaby