I know I haven't been here lately, but I have a good excuse this time. Actually,I always do. I had a busy week, I'm glad that it's over. But just so you know, I actually tried to write something a few days ago, but didn't quite finished it. As I have already said, it was a busy, stressful week. So here's what I wrote.

I'm still in denial. It's hard to believe that someone (else than me) likes him. I'm talking about the cute idiot, yeah, cute idiot returns.

This time he's not alone, he comes with his lovely girlfriend. Everyone, and I mean everyone thought he would die alone or something. Ok, that was cruel, but the truth is he's like a big kiddo, I never thought he was ready for a relationship, or something similar or close to a girlfriend. But OK, he's an idiot. Whatever. He has nothing to offer, he's not that smart, not that cute, and not that cool. He's useless, sometimes he's kind of funny, 50% of his jokes are actually good and spontaneous. I can't believe I used to laugh at all of them. I'm living proof that it's true, "love" makes people stupid. It was actually a crush, which is like stupid blind deaf love. So, let me tell you a little bit more about this new relationship, which I like to call: Idiot meets bitch. Ouch..

She's this spoiled girl, she likes any guy that likes her. I wasn't sure about this last statement until she liked him. How desperate is she that she actually "likes" him? And I know she doesn't even like him, the way I would. I know her past, and there are some bad references. Anyways, she has always dated all these hot guys, and now she's with this idiot. Which is really weird, and bitchy. And he, he is...have I called him an idiot? He likes her, I think he really does, but I don't know if he's playing her bitch game. I'm guessing they'll break up soon or something, I think that's one of the reasons why I'm not really jealous. I know what you're thinking: If this is not jealous I don't know what is. But seriously, I would be really sad and feeling bad if she would be a nice girl, and he would be the lucky boy. At this moment I just can't believe it. Idiot meets bitch. I should have seen it coming.

Hmm...I didn't want him anyway...

By the way, sorry for the over use of the words: bitch and idiot. But you've got to admit that it was fair and necessary.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. The first part of this is from the day it really happened, and I have just written the second part. As you can see, I went trough all the five stages of grief:

• Denial: What?! What?! It can't be, he's *definitely not handsome.
  
• Anger: That bitch! Is she that desperate for attention to go out with a....?!
• Bargaining: Nothing here actually.
• Depression: She'll never like him like I do. (I'm guessing everyone says this, but anyway, it feels like that. Maybe it's a mistake, but it makes me feel better.)
• Acceptance: Ok, I didn't want him anyway. I hope they're....what?! Happy? Hell no!...Burn in hell you bastards!

* Definitely not handsome: a common phrase I use to describe anyone who's definitely not handsome, in other words: almost ugly. It was first used in a friend's attempt to describe this amusing character, also known as cute idiot. =)

No one has visited the new cool blog over there. So, please go visit and comment. I read an entry about her "boring married life", which I think is actually good. Ok, so I guess I'm pretty boring. I love to do boring activities. Well, I love her writing style. That's all I have to say.

***

Once again I don't know what to do with my life. Will I ever know? Maybe not. I'm graduating from high school next year. And then....I just don't know what will happen next.

My future, such a depressing subject. I try to see it as something exciting, as a million possibilities, but I can't. Some minutes ago I was chatting with a friend, and she told me that she was going to try to win a scholarship. And I remembered that I can't even do that. Why? Because I'm stupid. Not really. But that has been my motto lately. For example:

A typical conversation between me and my friend.

My friend: What? Why did I forget my homework?
Me: Because you're stupid. =)

Hehehehe, or my favorite, that follows a stupid question.

Me: There's no stupid questions. Just the people who ask them. =)


We have come to the point, that when I'm about to say: Because... she just says that she knows that she's stupid. But we know that this is just a game, we call each other stupid all the time. Ok, that just sounded stupid.


Ok, returning to the main idea of this. I don't have much options. Money sucks, especially when you don't have it. Intelligence sucks, especially when you don't have it. Beauty sucks, when you don't have it. So, let's see, what do I have?

To be continued....(because I don't know the answer to this, but maybe tomorrow)


XoXo
Gaby

A few days ago, in my way home. I was thinking about my day, and I noticed that it had been pretty good. I didn't win the lottery, I didn't meet the love of my life, I didn't accomplish much. But still I coud feel the calm within me, happy calm. I could remember bad days, and tell how far they were from the place where I was standing at the moment.

How did I make my happy day? There were several ingredients involved. Right now, I can only remember a speech from a teacher I thought was evil. And now I think, maybe he's not. I love when someone surprises me, it's one of the best things that can happen to me. Actually the day was a total surprise. I thought it would totally suck and it didn't.

That same day, when I finally arrived home, I saw my mom. And I thought what I always do: "I'm so lucky to have her, and I'll never end up thanking for having her." And I felt lucky because I am able to love her while she's still with me. Some people don't care about what they have until it's gone. But I do, and everyday that I have her with me I'm so thankful. It's like having something you don't deserve, and each day that passes by, you can't believe you still have it. That's how I feel about my mom. I know that everything that I have and everything I am, is because of her. What she has given me, will never go away. She's the reason why I live, in all possible ways. She gave birth to me, she takes care of me, and she gives me a reason to stay here.

After all those thoughts, that are really common in my life. I started thinking about God, and I admitted that I could easily say that I love my mother more than I love God. Or maybe I love God, and I haven't noticed it.

We all have heard stories about a daughter that takes her mom for granted, but one day, she notices that she really needs her, and really loves her. Maybe that happens with my love for God. I don't know why, but I never think about God, I never pray, I never ask him for anything. But I'm still good for some reason.

If I ever have to say something good about me, I would say: "I'm a good girl". Not perfect, not oustanding, just good. Sometimes I think it's not enough, and think life's unfair. But there's also nice moments, when it just makes me so happy to be good. Being a good girl, is what I want to be, and everything I do, I do it to stay here. I believe it will make me happy, eventually.

My daily thought:

"I want to help, and make a difference. That's my road to happiness."


XoXo
Gaby

A few days ago, I noticed something about my behavior and thoughts. I wasn't sure about my feelings, but I started writing about it during one of my breakdowns, and it was clear.

I want help, I need help, but I won't ask for it. Here's what I wrote:

And I want someone to notice, but I don't want to ask for help. And I want someone to hold, but I have to pretend. Why don't you see I'm hurting? Do you see the shadow within and pretend you don't? Is it hard to believe so you think it can't be? Tell me, tell me. Why don't you notice? Why don't you remember? I'm still here, I'm still hurting. Nobody knows, or nobody cares. You know it's there but you choose not to care, or you don't know it because you don't care. Either way, I'm unnoticed. I'm forgotten, alone. And you're the reason.

I don't know if that makes sense. I'll explain.

My friends don't have any idea of what is going on in my life. I spend Friday and Saturday nights home alone, and they don't even wonder what am I doing while they're having fun with new friends, and new boyfriend. And every Friday night I think that I'll be OK, but then I remember that I'm so forgotten, and I just cry, and cry. And I want them to know that I'm not happy, that they hurt me. But I feel selfish asking for attention. And I feel ashamed, and my pride, my pride won't let me do it. After all, if they were my real friends, they would notice there's something wrong, and say something. I won't beg for attention, I don't want to seem desperate, even if I am.

Is it too much I'm asking for?

I have showed them my poems, which mean everything to me. And it's hard for me, to let anyone read something I have written. I feel that when someone reads what I write, they know more about me that they could possibly figure out.

And they don't even ask, they don't even wonder, and they don't even care.What do they think? That I just wanted attention? Well, I do! But I won't ask for it, I don't want to be the kind of person that wants attention 24/7, and thinks that their pain is the worst, and that it's the only one that matters. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be bad.

I know dealing with someone screaming for childish attention is annoying, especially when that someone doesn't listen to you. So I listen. And I know that obvious behavior tends to be ignored, so I avoid it. And I listen, and I'm quiet. But it won't do.

Sometimes I just hate them, and that's why I feel guilty and ashamed. After all, they're just humans. But so am I.


XoXo
Gaby


P.S. Maybe this sounds totally paranoid, but I have to be sincere. I even feel guilty writing this, wanting attention from someone, wanting someone to say something. And now I feel guilty about this one last thing wanting someone to say that it's OK.

I guess you were right all along, I should see someone professional. =)

I can't wait to write something normal....=)

Not tomorrow, but someday.

Hi everyone

Thanks for your comments on my last post, I have already answered back there, and visited your blogs, and probably commented there too. I really like to know that someone actually reads what I write, and I love to read what you've got to say. So, keep them coming. =)

Yesterday, I forgot about my blog. How did that happen? I don't know! It just did. I opened a new offer for Rent My Blog and I forgot to check the bids. Today, I remembered about my blog, and I had 10 bids, but most of them had already expired, so I don't know which blogs were they.

Anyways, there's a new cool blog over there, I have read it before and that's why I chose it. I really enjoy reading it, and I think you will too. So, visit Delilah (the owner) and leave a comment if you like what you read. By the way, if you are one of the other 9 blogs, leave a comment and I'll visit your blog. It's the least I can do. Oh, and keep bidding, well only if you want to.

***

So, maybe you're wondering what has happened in my life lately. Maybe you're not, but I'll keep writing. I usually say not much has happened, but this is not the case. So many things have happened but they're not written, and some pieces of information are lost forever. Don't worry, I've learned my lesson, so I'll start writing about today.

Today, I was once again, a victim of disappointment. It is a horrible thing to feel, and I think all of us have been through that. You think you know someone, and you trust that someone. That someone is your friend, maybe your best friend. And you forgive what your friend does, even when the signs are there, saying: "Your friend's not a good person." But you don't listen, and you believe in your friend. You forgive, you forget, you believe, you deny what everything and everyone says about your friend. You're blind, you're deaf, you trust. And you fall. You fall, and you end up blaming yourself.

How could you fall for that? How could you forgive and forget?

That last words forgive and forget, I have tried for years to understand the essence of them, and I can't. I know the basics, but I don't understand. Some say: "Forgive and forget." But I ask, how can you forgive and forget if you could get hurt once more? Everytime I forgive and forget I do it without thinking about it, I do it from the heart, and when I fall again, I don't want to forgive anymore, and I don't want to trust, I don't want to love, I don't want to believe....but I do it again.

And it gets harder everyday, maybe the day will come, when I stop forgiving. And I want that, but I don't, at the same time. I don't want to forgive anymore to protect myself. But I want to learn the art of forgiving to free myself. Sorry, if this is unclear, but this is a blur for me too.

I once heard that forgiving is for the strong, I guess I'm not that strong. Hopefully, someday...that's one of my goals.


XoXo
Gaby

I hate when people bring me down so easily, I'm so vulnerable. I wish I was strong. I've realized they can do that when I believe what they say. If someone says something I have thought about before, I believe it could true because it's not the first time that the thought passes my mind. In other words, if I think it can be true, it bothers me.

Today, this "perfect" guy was talking with me. I was kind of forced to stay in the conversation, but I didn't want to, I can't stand him. So even though he's unbearable I decided that it could be OK, and that I could give him another chance to be nice. We started talking about future plans, and I said I wanted to study Medicine. And he just said with his judging tone: "You know? It's really hard."

I know what he was thinking, he was thinking that I'm not even an excellent student at high school and that I wouldn't be able to survive in Medical School. And yeah, maybe that's true. But who is he? He thinks that just because he's a straight A psycho student, he can judge and decide who's capable of what? What does he think? That I haven't thought about it myself?

Sometimes I'm so scared and I think that maybe I'm just dreaming, and that my dream is out of my reach. And I ask myself if I'm being realistic, I see myself as a silly dreamer. But then I think, if I don't dream, how am I supposed to do something with my life? And if I don't try, how will I know that I can't do it? So I've got to try, and I've got to dream, and I want to do.

He's not even my friend, and he made me feel bad, so doubtful and insecure. How can this hideous stranger make me feel so bad about myself? Am I that weak to care about his words?

I would still be feeling bad about the whole thing, but my crush wants to study medicine and he's not that smart (kind of like me), so it made me feel better. I mean, if he can dream I should too. I know it's a stupid reason but at least I don't feel like dirt anymore.


XoXo
Gaby

Hi people

I don't know if you've noticed but there's a new cool blog over there. This time it's a blog named "The Search of Health in Decadence".

Why did I choose it? I read the last entry and it was a poem, and I just loved it. It tends to happen to me, I read something and just the writing style makes me want to read more. And I definitely love Will's writing style.

So, who's Will? Here's some information from his profile. If you want to find more about him, visit him. =)

Location:Oregon, United States
B.S. in Political Science, M.Ed. in Education, social studies teacher, saxophonist, guitarist, writer, poet, and philosopher.

By the way, remember I always recommend blogs that I like and enjoy reading. =)

XoXo
Gaby

Has youth really changed throughout time? Yesterday I was having a nice conversation with my mom, and I asked her if she was happy when she was 17 (my age). She answered that she was, that she had many dreams and illusions. It's still hard to believe this. Sometimes I can feel totally miserable and sad, but I have her with me, I have someone who will always believe in me and do anything for me. But she didn't have anyone when she was my age. Her mom (my grandmother) wasn't really there, at least that's what my mom tells me. How come she was happy and I'm not?

I'm just too stupid to be happy, just kidding. I know it comes from the inside mostly. But sometimes inside is more complicated than outside...I don't expect to discover and know it all right now, it will take some experience and time I guess. Which makes me wonder...what if I die without knowing? But then I remember that death's worth it. Sounds a little weird but deal with it, we all die, we might as well appreciate it.

Thanks for everyone who commented on my last entry, it really helps me to know that someone's there, a little too far though. Anyways, I haven't told anyone about this blog, so here I write things that nobody knows, and it's nice to just write it and having someone read it, and telling me something about it. It's kind of a secret that everyone can discover, but nobody really does. People who read this are "strangers". I think that, they, actually you (because you're reading this) can know many things that my friends don't, and I can also know many things by reading your blog. That's what I like the most about the blogosphere.

About your comments, they're all different, but they're not confusing. The main point is to hold on, and that better times will come, and if I'm not happy with something about my life I should do something about it. Trust me, I'm working on that.

I wrote this post yesterday but didn't finished it because of some stupid Trojan. Addclicker...I don't know what's that, kind of a virus. Don't worry the situation's been managed.

By the way, the picture above is from "The Virgin Suicides", it's Kirsten Dunst, one of my favorite actresses. And that's one of my favorite movies, haven't read the book though.


XoXo
Gaby

So, what do you do when you're too sad to pretend that you're happy?

It happened today, and it made me realize that I'm sadder than before. Pretending used to be an easy thing to do, I was so used to it that it came up naturally. I think today I showed more that I would have wanted. I showed a little hatred to people I despise, and I showed weakness to people that I fear.

And I'm more surprised by my fake smile, I don't know how can I smile, and arrive home and transform into someone that nobody knows, almost every day.

And we all have problems, and there's no perfect life. But I want to shout, and I want to scream, but I don't want to be heard. I want everyone to know that I'm sad and that I'm hurting, that I'm not happy and that I'm not quiet. But then I remember that this could bring some consequences, and I just shut up and smile, pretend to be serene and aloof.

If only I could have someone to talk to, someone I could trust, someone who wouldn't judge me, who would keep my secret, and who would understand. Somone like a friend...

And all I've done until now has been writing in my diary, in my blog, in letters I'll never send, and in places nobody knows.

And I'm afraid of what I'm capable of doing tomorrow, of something that I would regret or something I can't fix.

So, maybe all of these things are pure drama, but they feel so real, the sadness feels real, and my life feels suffocating.


XoXo
Gaby

Today I have a new cool blog over there. She's Rache and her blog's named Green. She's from United Kingdom and lives in Bristol, England. I'm guessing she loves the green color, which is great, it matches my current layout. Speaking of, I'm thinking that maybe I should change my layout, but I don't know which could be the best choice, there's many pretty ones out there. Anyways, returning to the main idea of this paragraph. Please visit her, she'll be here a whole week and I'm sure there will amusing posts over there.

***

Usually I try to write fun and amusing stuff here, but sometimes I can't help it and I write sad things. I know that most people don't like reading sad and sometimes weird entries. But this blog's supposed to be kind of my personal diary, so sometimes I have to write about my breakdowns and my issues. Of course, this causes my GoogleAds to advertise about depression, increasing your IQ, bipolar things...It's weird, sometimes they even surprise me with....procrastination solutions. I mean, how do they know? I don't think I've ever mentioned my procrastination issues here...Once again Google surprised me.

XoXo
Gaby