Has youth really changed throughout time? Yesterday I was having a nice conversation with my mom, and I asked her if she was happy when she was 17 (my age). She answered that she was, that she had many dreams and illusions. It's still hard to believe this. Sometimes I can feel totally miserable and sad, but I have her with me, I have someone who will always believe in me and do anything for me. But she didn't have anyone when she was my age. Her mom (my grandmother) wasn't really there, at least that's what my mom tells me. How come she was happy and I'm not?
I'm just too stupid to be happy, just kidding. I know it comes from the inside mostly. But sometimes inside is more complicated than outside...I don't expect to discover and know it all right now, it will take some experience and time I guess. Which makes me wonder...what if I die without knowing? But then I remember that death's worth it. Sounds a little weird but deal with it, we all die, we might as well appreciate it.
Thanks for everyone who commented on my last entry, it really helps me to know that someone's there, a little too far though. Anyways, I haven't told anyone about this blog, so here I write things that nobody knows, and it's nice to just write it and having someone read it, and telling me something about it. It's kind of a secret that everyone can discover, but nobody really does. People who read this are "strangers". I think that, they, actually you (because you're reading this) can know many things that my friends don't, and I can also know many things by reading your blog. That's what I like the most about the blogosphere.
About your comments, they're all different, but they're not confusing. The main point is to hold on, and that better times will come, and if I'm not happy with something about my life I should do something about it. Trust me, I'm working on that.
I wrote this post yesterday but didn't finished it because of some stupid Trojan. Addclicker...I don't know what's that, kind of a virus. Don't worry the situation's been managed.
By the way, the picture above is from "The Virgin Suicides", it's Kirsten Dunst, one of my favorite actresses. And that's one of my favorite movies, haven't read the book though.
XoXo
Gaby
5 Comments:
I talk with my mom a lot about her childhood. She had many, many problems... her older brother sometimes beat her up (she still hasn't forgiven him, so I have only briefly met my uncle once), her mother (my grandma) tried to commit suicide, and she herself got into many bad relationships and issues with street drugs. I can't imagine what it must be like to try dealing with all the troubles of growing up on top of all that, but she made it through. She says she's happier now than she's ever been before in her life. It's odd to think of her background, because she has a very happy personality and truly appreciates the good things in life.
I've already told you that I was depressed - I had issues with my father and, at the time, my mother was still learning how to be a mom after the divorce. We'd just moved and I felt completely alone in the world. Half of the time I didn't even feel like I was there for me - it seemed like most of myself had been left in Washington and only fragments had stayed with me from the move, and I was just watching myself go through the motions. The loneliness and sadness was strangling me. In my case, the change I needed was a closer environment. I transferred schools and started attending a very small private school with only about 100 students. I still go there now, and I have some of the best friends of my life. I was not able to help myself out of my depression, but they steadily revived me. I'm a much happier person today. I love life and I love the people who make it beautiful! If your environment is suffocating you, you need to change it. It might be scary, and you might not know what needs to change, but talking to anyone - your mom, a counselor, a friend - will probably help you get to know yourself better. It's confusing and it's difficult to get through times like these, but you ARE strong enough, and there are better days on the other side. :)
My best friend told me that she's learned so much more about me by reading my blogs. We've known each other for almost 20 years. I've always thought that I commuicate better on paper than verbally, so it reall didn't surprise me when she said it.
I've always kept a diary of some sort and even though everyone in the world can read my blog, I still think of it as a diary. I can still write down ALMOST everything I feel. I'm used to holding things in that this has become an outlet for me. I say almost because my family knows about this blog. They may read it once a month (when they get my monthly author newsletter), but they still read it. I can't say everything that I want to say (which is why I'll be creating another blog to do so), but apparently some stuff still gets thru.
In addition, I like what Sympho had to say at the end. I suggest one thing: SARK. Read her first book, "Wild, Succulent Woman." It's not as salacious as it sounds. I LOVE her books. I LIVE by her books sometimes because she gives the greatest advice in the form of empowering reminders. I'll leave you with one of them:
"You are enough, you have enough, you do enough."
I think you are going to be just fine Gaby. The fact that you are a not a vaccuous empty minded teen is a good thing.
You have graciously visted Advertising for Success (http://advertising-for-success.blogspot.com) in the past. I am visiting for C&C Monday.
I lost my mind when I was about 14 and did not become coherent again until I was over 25. Some people exist and some people feel. You feel. Its a good thing. IF it becomes overwhelming, you can try anti-depressants. Even on meds, I still get depressed sometimes.
Its like that saying, "being paranoid is not crazy if they are after you," except this one is "being depressed is not crazy if your life is going major changes."
CyberCelt
I agree with the anti-depressants. For a long time I was depressed and didn't realize it until I talked to my doctor about feelings I was having. That's when I was diagnosed as having a clinical depression.
Usually, depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and can be affected by events in your life or can just come on gradually or hit suddenly. Mine was an issue with my ex-husband who was verbally abusive.
If you choose meds, be very careful about what your doctor lets you take. Some have higher instances of teen suicide than others. It sounds as if you have a good handle on your feelings if you're able to talk about them.
Good luck with what you're going through and take care!
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