I hate when people bring me down so easily, I'm so vulnerable. I wish I was strong. I've realized they can do that when I believe what they say. If someone says something I have thought about before, I believe it could true because it's not the first time that the thought passes my mind. In other words, if I think it can be true, it bothers me.
Today, this "perfect" guy was talking with me. I was kind of forced to stay in the conversation, but I didn't want to, I can't stand him. So even though he's unbearable I decided that it could be OK, and that I could give him another chance to be nice. We started talking about future plans, and I said I wanted to study Medicine. And he just said with his judging tone: "You know? It's really hard."
I know what he was thinking, he was thinking that I'm not even an excellent student at high school and that I wouldn't be able to survive in Medical School. And yeah, maybe that's true. But who is he? He thinks that just because he's a straight A psycho student, he can judge and decide who's capable of what? What does he think? That I haven't thought about it myself?
Sometimes I'm so scared and I think that maybe I'm just dreaming, and that my dream is out of my reach. And I ask myself if I'm being realistic, I see myself as a silly dreamer. But then I think, if I don't dream, how am I supposed to do something with my life? And if I don't try, how will I know that I can't do it? So I've got to try, and I've got to dream, and I want to do.
He's not even my friend, and he made me feel bad, so doubtful and insecure. How can this hideous stranger make me feel so bad about myself? Am I that weak to care about his words?
I would still be feeling bad about the whole thing, but my crush wants to study medicine and he's not that smart (kind of like me), so it made me feel better. I mean, if he can dream I should too. I know it's a stupid reason but at least I don't feel like dirt anymore.
XoXo
Gaby
Today, this "perfect" guy was talking with me. I was kind of forced to stay in the conversation, but I didn't want to, I can't stand him. So even though he's unbearable I decided that it could be OK, and that I could give him another chance to be nice. We started talking about future plans, and I said I wanted to study Medicine. And he just said with his judging tone: "You know? It's really hard."
I know what he was thinking, he was thinking that I'm not even an excellent student at high school and that I wouldn't be able to survive in Medical School. And yeah, maybe that's true. But who is he? He thinks that just because he's a straight A psycho student, he can judge and decide who's capable of what? What does he think? That I haven't thought about it myself?
Sometimes I'm so scared and I think that maybe I'm just dreaming, and that my dream is out of my reach. And I ask myself if I'm being realistic, I see myself as a silly dreamer. But then I think, if I don't dream, how am I supposed to do something with my life? And if I don't try, how will I know that I can't do it? So I've got to try, and I've got to dream, and I want to do.
He's not even my friend, and he made me feel bad, so doubtful and insecure. How can this hideous stranger make me feel so bad about myself? Am I that weak to care about his words?
I would still be feeling bad about the whole thing, but my crush wants to study medicine and he's not that smart (kind of like me), so it made me feel better. I mean, if he can dream I should too. I know it's a stupid reason but at least I don't feel like dirt anymore.
XoXo
Gaby
13 Comments:
Self-doubt is a pretty common attribute of being a teenager. There's a couple things that come to my mind about your situation:
A) Being a good or bad student has little relation with how good someone will do in college. Half of the top 10 students in my graduating class (of 168 students) flunked out of college in their first year, the other half of us are doing quite well. Even so, some of the C Average students that hated school managed to go to college and do fine once the work had meaning and relevance to them. My roommate in college my freshman year barely graduated high school and had to write a special essay to get accepted to the our college and got a bachelor's degree with good grades because he cared about what he was studying. My point is that high school means little in the scheme of life outcomes.
B) Don't worry about what that guy said. Obviously he's not so perfect if he's full of himself and gets off on putting other people down. I firmly believe that most everyone except those with severe learning disabilities can do just about anything that they want to do if they're passionate about that.
Today at school we had "group" where kids talk about what's going on with them emotionally. One girl really let loose and talked about her self-doubts and everyone in the room could relate to those doubts, even me. I realized that its normal to have doubt, but it doesn't mean that you're incapable. My guess is that "Mr. Perfect" has just as many self-doubts as you, but he just doesn't deal with it the same way. In fact, a lot of time people who do well but experience doubt will lash out at others because they try to avoid their self-doubt but attacking others.
Just keep in mind that everyone has problems and there's nothing wrong with you for being negatively affected by a crappy comment. Just keep going towards your dreams.
You're not weak! These are normal feelings. I even go through it still.. I am very much affected by what other people think. That doesn't make you weak though.
I agree. Being a so-called "straight A" student doesn't mean shit in college. Some go on to be big pot head losers and it takes them 7 years to get through college if they even graduate at all... others just find that college is way harder than highschool and don't make the grades anymore. I know one girl from my high school is studying political science and is considering law school! She wasn't an honor roll student or anything like that, but she is passionate with what she's learning because she wants to help minorities and people in low-income families.
I think it's awesome that you have a sense of your goals and dreams.. and why not go for it. You're right about trying.. The only way you "fail" is by not trying at all.. And that's a hard one for me to do. I often get "paralyzed" and not try anything.. Going in to medicine sounds like fun, and a definite worth while field.
Good to know you no longer feel like dirt.
You know though, that guy didn't MAKE you upset, for he cannot control you.
You reacted to his careless words with anger. That was YOUR decision.
You are able to control how you react to other's words.
Give it a try.
You'll notice yourself spending less time being angry/upset or feeling down.
Of course you can reach and finish medical school.
Querer es poder
-oScar
Come on Gaby! YOU are not dirt. You will get into medicine. Forget that guys opinion. It is not a dream,it is the goal you are working toward!
I wouldn't worry too much about what was said. If your dream is to study medicine, that's important to you and you should follow that dream.
Do what you want for you, not for others, and you'll be a happier person. GPAs can be overcome and mean little when schools look at standardized tests. Good luck!
All I have to say is Ditto to all the stuff that Will said. I've felt the same as you, writing-wise. I'm on a teenchicklit forum where the majority of the members have agents, are published or will be published, or just sold their first book. It can be both inspiring AND daunting.
I just have to keep in mind that my writing habits are different from everyone else. While others can write fast, sometimes it takes me three days to finish a chapter. One thing I've learned: when it comes to dreams and goals, you have to surround yourself with positive energy. As 311 says, "Fuck the naysayers." If it's something you really want to do, find the support you need...and dropkick the pessimists to Zimbabwe
Thanks everyone for your comments. This was an overwhelming week for me, and I know I always say that, but I truly can say that Saturday was intense. I can't believe I did so many different things in one day. Anyways...
Will, thanks for telling me that. I wasn't sure about how things change for students once they're in college. And about that perfect guy, you wouldn't believe what happened during the "intense Saturday", he was part of it. But don't worry, it wasn't bad, it wasn't bad at all. What is wrong with him? Is he going to be good or bad to me? He has to make up his mind!
Thealphafry, your words give me hope especially what you said about the girl who's considering law school. It reminds me about my situation, and yeah, of course I'll try.
Modern b0i, I know that I can control the way I react, but sometimes I try not to do that, I like to let my emotions flow, even if that can be stressful. I think that makes me capable of feeling everything entirely. However, I am prepared for certain situations, because of past experiences. I guess I'll learn from this one.
Croaker, thanks for the encouraging words. It's amazing how someone who doesn't know me believes that I can do it, but I understand it, I would do the same for anyone...except me...weird I know. I'm working on that.
Melissa, I'm not worried anymore about what he said, well it has been a week so maybe that's the reason. Anyways, thanks for mentioning the GPA thing, that gives me hope too.
Geminiwisdom, thanks for your words, I admire how you believe in yourself and encourage others to do the same.
XoXo
Gaby
Gaby,
If you want to go to medical school, then that is what you should do. IF it is what you want, you will succeed! If you are doing it because your "crush" want's to do it or others think you should do it, find something else.
As Will said, being good or bad in HS is not always (and seldom is) how you will do in college/university life!
Going to medical school is a good thing (I have a pre-med degree, but changed course and got my Masters and Ph.D. in Comp Sci...), and if that is what you want to do, GO FOR IT!!
All it takes is the desire and the drive. And if I can help with that drive then I've done my part and I'll get free medical care when I am old ;).
Atleast My positive sentiments cancel out that dicks negative ones.
That guy sounds pretty insecure. You know what they say about having only one way to go once you reach the top, and if he's a straight-A kinda guy he's probably got a superiority complex to cover up his fear of failure.
But just 'cause Mister Smartypants thinks that medicine would be hard work for his precious brain shouldn't put you off the idea at all. I wrote a blog post t'other day about Forrest Gump. He wasn't smart at all, but he ended up being all rich and famous, so don't you be listening to any of these brainboxes! You be whoever you want to be! Chase those dreams, gal!
Man of stone, thanks for all that, I hope that everything works out and that I get what I want.
Don, medical school is definitely what I want, I want many things in life, but that's what I want for my future carreer.
Croaker, your positive sentiments definitely do, and you'll get free medical care.
Joey, Forrest Gump is an amazing character. I don't know what's wrong with this perfect guy, but I think I don't care anymore.
XoXo
Gaby
For what it's worth, many times the type of student you are in high school is no indication of what your college career will be. Furthermore, college is not necessarily an indication of your professional life, either.
You write like you are wise beyond your years and that's all that matters. I wish I could have accepted your bid this week, too. It was a hard week.:(
Janet, it's alright I know it's hard to choose a blog. And thanks for commenting. =)
XoXo
Gaby
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