I got drunk and slept with a boy. Sounds terrible, right?

Well it wasn’t. First of all, we only slept and talked, nothing else. Second, the boy was quite a boy. He was my crush a long time ago, he was all I wanted.

So the boy was great and so was the talk. I ended slightly embarrassed because I talked and did too much. But after all I’m still feeling overwhelmingly lucky.

It was nice. Better than nice. I have no words.

I think about it over and over again. And it makes me happy to remember how he hugged me, and what he said. But then I realize it’s nothing. I don’t know if it meant something to me. I’m pretending it was meaningless as it should have been. But I know uneasiness has taken over me. It’s too late for anything…

P.S. I find it hard to blog about this. That’s basically why I didn’t blogged in a while. I kept waiting for something else to happen so I wouldn’t have to blog about it. As you can see, I have nothing.

XoXo
Gaby

To smoke or not to smoke?

That's been a question lately. I'm angry, sad, desperate, and hopeless. So why not?

I'll tell you why not. I once made a promise that I would never smoke. And now I'm having a hard time breaking that promise. You see, somebody told me: "You can't promise that, you will smoke when you grow up." I was just a child and hated that person telling me that I couldn't promise such a thing. Little did I know that life would slap me on the face this way. Now I'm desperately hopeless and craving for a cigarette. Notice that I've never smoked in my life, so, why do I crave for one cigarette? Because it seems like such a relaxing habit.

If it wasn't for that stupid promise I would be smoking right here right now. Forget about my lungs, my health, and my personal image.

I'm glad I made it...

XoXo
Gaby

Today I went to school feeling like crap. But after a while I started being "me". I'm still not sure who's the real me, the almost happy or the almost depressed. But the almost happy me went to school today, and had a normal not bad day. Nothing happened.

I really don't want to be left behind, I'm so scared. Everyone will move on to new and better things, and I'm left here with nothing. I hate myself for being "boring", or whatever is the reason for my meaningless life. Maybe tonight I'll go to sleep and will cry. Hopefully not.

Thanks for everyone who commented yesterday, it means a lot. I'll visit all of your blogs tomorrow. And I think I'm better now. I hope you're better too. =)

XoXo
Gaby

I think I'm back into the hole. It was naive to think it was gone forever. I feel worthless, alone, ignored, invisible, forgotten, hopeless.

Everyone is going to move on to something better and new, and I'll be left behind. In the same old gray life, sinking. And I have no idea of what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what to change.

And I wonder if the happy days were just a lie, an illusion. Maybe I just wanted so badly to be happy and I couldn't, so I had to lie to myself. Pathetic, I know.

I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. Everything happens and I have nothing.

And all I can think about is harming myself. In any possible way. As if I needed more damage.

I hate myself, my life, and everyone in it.

I'm filled with hatred and I want to let it out. I want to scream, kill, hit, break, cut, destroy, shut. But something pulls me back. Hopefully, someday it won't.

I wish I could fall asleep forever.

And I don't know where will I find strength to fight for the things I want in life. I feel broken and hopeless, I can't get up. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk. I don't want to go out.

I want nothing but the end of this.

I haven't blogged in a while, and I was about to bore you once again with one of my lame excuses, which is not that lame, but anyway. Let's get over it.

A new thought lingers in my mind lately: "Maybe I'm not ugly." Does it sound stupid? Maybe, but it's so rare in me. I've been seeing myself as an ugly girl for years, maybe all of my life. I still remember how girls laughed at me because I was different when I was in kindergarden. I don't know if 'different' is the right way to put it, but I can't think of anything else, and I can't give details because I'm still ashamed. I shouldn't, I know. But I do. Let's just say that they laughed at me because I was not like them and I couldn't do anything about it. Does it still bother me? I'm not sure, all I know is it still hurts to remember how bad they made me feel back then. And I smile to myself everytime I think about how stupid they are now, still feeling superior because of their money, their 'good looks'...And I wonder when will they find out that it's not even important, what's important is they're SO dumb and shallow.

The latest phase of my uglyness was encouraged by major invisibility. And as the first example, I can't give that much information. The damage is still fresh. All I can say is I don't think people notice me by any means. I don't know why, maybe I'm boring, ugly, unpleasing. Probably because I'm shy. Still that doesn't explain the whole thing. And it bothers me when I'm alone with my thoughts.

So, the new me is 'not ugly'. I can't say beautiful, pretty, cute, or hot. But 'not ugly' is better than ugly. Don't you think?

I'm afraid feeling better with myself always has to come from someone other than me. So, I can't feel better by myself. I need someone to tell me: "You're not ugly" (a thousand times). "You're not dumb." "You're not mean."

Pathetic? I'm afraid so.

XoXo
Gaby