Yesterday's "strength" turned into today's breakdown.
I'm stuck here for seven more years. And it feels like there's no hope. Before, I would hold back and think "it's okay, I'll be leaving one of these days". But not now, I can't wait anymore.
I don't want to stay and be like everyone else here, I hate people here. I don't want to go with the flow, but in seven years I will. It's just something you don't notice, and unconsciously you can't resist.
Eighteen years living here and I'm already like them, and in seven years I'll be doomed. You might think it can't be that bad. Maybe you're right.
I'm afraid of turning into what I hate the most. And I don't think it's possible to fight against it for so long, I would die trying. I'm already dying, so I might as well give up, go with flow and continue living.
I don't give a damn anymore.
I'm stuck here for seven more years. And it feels like there's no hope. Before, I would hold back and think "it's okay, I'll be leaving one of these days". But not now, I can't wait anymore.
I don't want to stay and be like everyone else here, I hate people here. I don't want to go with the flow, but in seven years I will. It's just something you don't notice, and unconsciously you can't resist.
Eighteen years living here and I'm already like them, and in seven years I'll be doomed. You might think it can't be that bad. Maybe you're right.
I'm afraid of turning into what I hate the most. And I don't think it's possible to fight against it for so long, I would die trying. I'm already dying, so I might as well give up, go with flow and continue living.
I don't give a damn anymore.
XoXo
Gaby
Gaby
Labels: angry, college, depression, future, pathetic, sad, stupid people
4 Comments:
If it helps at all, I've been stuck in the place I thought I hated for a much longer time now. Thing is, when I decided to not hate anymore and to just do things my way, it all got way better. Sure, evidence still exists of all the parts of this city I despise. Difference is, through travel, I know that the same shit happens everywhere and we're all the same people no matter where we go. You can choose to suffer or you can decide to be your true, full self and fuck anyone who doesn't like it. I vote for the latter.
I totally know the feeling. One thing I've learned from being stuck HERE for the past several years (with at least three more to go) is you can at least change your experience of a place. I don't mean to sound corny like, "Its all the way you think about it..." I mean I get out when I can by going to visit friends and relatives in other places, by taking my kids to camping festivals out of state, by signing up for conferences, by joining clubs where I meet people whose paths I probably never would have crossed otherwise. I'm still totally STUCK here and I hate it but... stone walls don't a prison make, nor iron bars a cage!
Sometimes, we need to have a breakdown in order to move forward. I've been in the same place; I thought I would have to go to a local college and stay at home, but luckily the course I wanted to take was over subscribed at the local college so I had to go a bit further. It's going to be expensive but it will be worth it in my eyes. I'll probably be in debit.
queenie carly:
that's good advice. thank you.
nicki mann:
that seems fun, and I'm guessing it works. i like meeting different people.
sarcastica:
i wish i could have that option.
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