So, I did go to the party the other day. Why? Mostly because I wanted to get wasted, and perhaps the thought of seeing him had something to do with it. I know, those are stupid reasons. The second more stupid then the first one if you ask me. First of all, he wasn't even there. And even if he had been there, he wouldn't have cared about me.

The whole night was okay, I spent time with friends, drank a little and...well that's about it. It was okay, I won't complain. At 2 A.M. we decided it was time to go home, so we went. And, oh, there he was outside. And it was heartbreaking to see him with a girl, a girl I didn't even get a chance to see. I don't know if it would make me feel better to know who she was. Could be anyone...

I arrived home, went to my bedroom and grabbed my "writing notebook" (couldn't think of a better name for it). And I started writing. Never in my life had I felt that way about him.

You know...there's a lot of cursing so I won't share it. But, bottom line... all I wanted to tell him was: "It's your loss fucking idiot, no one will ever like you like I do, and you will never know what you lost because you never tried it."

Yesterday I cried and cried, and prayed and... accepted that, I just need him desperately, or need not needing him. Whatever God thinks is better for me.

Suddenly I wanted to "express my anger". I wanted to write a hate song or something with a lot of cursing, and I wanted to hit, kick, and scream.

Oh, how I want him desperately. And I can't imagine liking someone the way I like him. My mind tells me that can't be right, but my heart just doesn't believe it. It's just too much.

XoXo
Gaby