A few days ago, I noticed something about my behavior and thoughts. I wasn't sure about my feelings, but I started writing about it during one of my breakdowns, and it was clear.
I want help, I need help, but I won't ask for it. Here's what I wrote:
And I want someone to notice, but I don't want to ask for help. And I want someone to hold, but I have to pretend. Why don't you see I'm hurting? Do you see the shadow within and pretend you don't? Is it hard to believe so you think it can't be? Tell me, tell me. Why don't you notice? Why don't you remember? I'm still here, I'm still hurting. Nobody knows, or nobody cares. You know it's there but you choose not to care, or you don't know it because you don't care. Either way, I'm unnoticed. I'm forgotten, alone. And you're the reason.
I don't know if that makes sense. I'll explain.
My friends don't have any idea of what is going on in my life. I spend Friday and Saturday nights home alone, and they don't even wonder what am I doing while they're having fun with new friends, and new boyfriend. And every Friday night I think that I'll be OK, but then I remember that I'm so forgotten, and I just cry, and cry. And I want them to know that I'm not happy, that they hurt me. But I feel selfish asking for attention. And I feel ashamed, and my pride, my pride won't let me do it. After all, if they were my real friends, they would notice there's something wrong, and say something. I won't beg for attention, I don't want to seem desperate, even if I am.
Is it too much I'm asking for?
I have showed them my poems, which mean everything to me. And it's hard for me, to let anyone read something I have written. I feel that when someone reads what I write, they know more about me that they could possibly figure out.
And they don't even ask, they don't even wonder, and they don't even care.What do they think? That I just wanted attention? Well, I do! But I won't ask for it, I don't want to be the kind of person that wants attention 24/7, and thinks that their pain is the worst, and that it's the only one that matters. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be bad.
I know dealing with someone screaming for childish attention is annoying, especially when that someone doesn't listen to you. So I listen. And I know that obvious behavior tends to be ignored, so I avoid it. And I listen, and I'm quiet. But it won't do.
Sometimes I just hate them, and that's why I feel guilty and ashamed. After all, they're just humans. But so am I.
XoXo
Gaby
P.S. Maybe this sounds totally paranoid, but I have to be sincere. I even feel guilty writing this, wanting attention from someone, wanting someone to say something. And now I feel guilty about this one last thing wanting someone to say that it's OK.
I guess you were right all along, I should see someone professional. =)
I can't wait to write something normal....=)
Not tomorrow, but someday.
9 Comments:
Gaby these feeling are hard of friends your age to deal with. It is a hard thing to ask many adults to deal with.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket . Try to make new friends as well as the old friends. Talk to someone professional if you can. They can help you. Don't let these things continue or become cyclical.
I think it's very normal to want attention, to be noticed in some way, to make a connection. So don't be too hard on yourself. I know, easier said than done. But it'll all happen, if you just let go of yourself just a little.
Ditto to both...and yes, we ship to Mexico. In fact, we ship to places I've never even HEARD of. So, please. Knock yourself out and shop til you drop. *grin*. It might make you feel better.
I wish I could be 16 forever. Nice blog. Nice poems. Like it.
i know how you feel cuz my friends treat me that way too. sometimes its so hard when you seem them drifting away from you and it hurts like mad. but cheer up. you can always make new friends. =)
croaker, it's not easy for me to make friends. Ok, I'm not sure about that. Maybe it is easy for me, but I hate people. Hehehe. The place where I live is...something. You would understand.
Mad, yeah sometimes I try it, but it's difficult. I ask myself too much.
Geminiwisdom, cool. I hate when I find something I really like and I can't buy it because I don't live in US. Now, I need my mom's money...I can't promise anything though.
Minz, thanks. I have just visited your blog and I loved it, nice layout and content.
Jo, yeah new friends, that sounds like something I should do. But good friends are hard to find...I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. It hurts a little....ok, a little more than a little.
XoXo
Gaby
We all want attention or we wouldn't blog! In a way, we're all in the same boat. Even people that post their happy little family pictures are missing something at home or they would be there instead of out here in cyberspace.
Write it all down and then forget it - life is too short to waste it living in the same fishbowl...jump to another like Croaker said.
You probably should see someone professional if you feel as bad as you say. Don't let embarrassment keep you away.
As for your dream of medical school, don't let someone discourage you but be prepared to work your tail off in College because you do need great grades.
I think everyone who throws out a blog to the winds, secretely hopes for more readers.
Good luck.
Mushy, I think I have just jumped to another fishbowl. Actually I returned to my last fishbowl, and I think it was good.=)
Sarala, I know, medical school is hard. But I have to try.
About seeing a professional, I don't see that happening. But until now, I'm staying away from drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. Yeah, I always use that phrase to get out of trouble or change subject.
And yeah, who doesn't want some readers?! It's funny how this blog actually started as an attempt to make some money, which by the way, didn't work. =)
XoXo
Gaby
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