Once again, the same excuse.

I've been super busy with final exams. That's why I haven't blogged at all, since...well, anyway.

I'm getting tired of being me. Especially when I'm so boring. Really, why am I so boring? Just my face...has something that is bored and boring at the same time. So pathetic.

Let me explain. When I'm with my friends I often get lost in my own thoughts, especially when there's more than one friend with me. You see, I don't have to really participate in the conversation or whatever is going on at the moment if they're doing okay on their own.

Focusing on what I'm doing at the moment requires great effort, smiling, laughing, and talking requires an even greater effort. So I just sit there quiet with my bored and boring face. Not caring of what it looks like, until people ask and say...."Are you okay?" "She's so serious." "She's so quiet." Sometimes I even wish to be...what was that horrible word? Oh yeah, normal.

I'll blog tomorrow as well, about something happy I hope.

XoXo
Gaby

Hi guys. I'm still alive. Just really busy with school. That's why I haven't written, that and my constant procrastination. Well, at least there's something stable in my life.

I've been changing moods drastically these days. The other day I arrived home, wanting to forget about everything. The catastrophe? I realized everything has consequences. I know it is obvious, but I thought I had escaped from one. Guess what? I didn't.

Remember I slept with a boy? Well, thank God I only slept (really innocent). But since then...things have been confusing.

He used to be my crush, but I had already forgotten about him by then, and that's probably why I wasn't shy that night, that and the tequila. I didn't expect it and still got it. So I thought I was lucky and nothing else would happen afterwards. So wrong...

I can't stop thinking about him. I have to say it. And the other day I realized it. After denying it the whole time. He approached and talked to one of my friends, and I was there. And I couldn't even look at him, just like the old times... And I couldn't say anything, he wasn't just anyone. And I couldn't help noticing what I was for him, just anyone. Again, just like the old times...

That day I felt definitely hopeless. And I still am, just not that desperate.

What can I do...Nothing. School will be over in about a week, and hopefully I'll forget about him. Just like I did before.

I can't believe I did it again. Great, Gaby.

XoXo
Gaby

I'm not feeling really good. I wish this could end. I'm not sure of what would be the extension of "this".

I'm sick of being me. I'm guessing it's something that happens.

I feel like I'm so different from everyone surrounding me, I wish I could change my environment, so I could finally fit in. Or maybe, I could just try fitting in myself... It's too hard. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be that way.

I want to do something about things that I'm not happy with. But there's things I can't change. There's no escape.

There are ways in which I just don't fit in. And what I hate the most, is people noticing it, and feeling sorry for me.

You see, here, where I live everyone, well almost everyone belongs to a traditional family. And I only have my mom. Don't get me wrong, my mom is great. But there are events (such as graduation party) where both parents are required, and I have just one, and there's some sort of awkwardness. And some pity. When a father-daughter moment arrives I'll be self- conscious hoping nobody notices, maybe nobody does. But if someone does, well it's not the first time it happens.

As if going solo wasn't enough trouble...I wish I didn't care. It's not that easy.

That and the fear of being confused and depressed on that day is my worst fear concerning graduation. I'll keep pretending I don't care, because nobody knows.

I still have hope that the graduation party won't be anything like I expect it to be, so that everything that I fear won't happen and that everything I want and expect is even better.

XoXo
Gaby