I feel so unwanted at this moment. I know that I have friends and a family who cares. I just don't feel it. So what's the point? Why does this happen? Does this happen to everyone? Am I asking for too much attention?

Let me describe my situation. It's Saturday night and I want someone to call me to go some place, anywhere you know. But at the same time, I don't feel like going anywhere. Wherever I go nobody really cares about me or is interested in me. I can't blame them, I'm quiet, therefore, not really interesting, funny or entertaining.

I'm so...depressed.

What should I do? Go out even if everyone ignores me and I have to get drunk to not care? Or stay home and be okay even if this is a reminder of my depression? Hmm though going out would be a reminder of my uninterestingness. Hmmm...

I'm so boring.

XoXo
Gaby

Hello everyone. =)

I have many things to share with you. A lot has happened. I was admitted in med school here, and I have been attending to some classes. Bad news...I don't want to stay here, I don't like it here. Sure it would be easier, but I just don't want to. I don't even like it now. I don't know exactly what bothers me about it.

I still have hopes of leaving. I'm still waiting for an answer from the other school, hopefully I'll get into that one, and I'll be able to go there. If you're wondering what's the problem of going there, the problem is money. It's out of state, so it would be more expensive than the school here. And I may not be able to afford it.

I hate money, especially because I don't have it. And lately that's all I've been thinking about, about how much I want money, it's becoming a priority. Well, not a top priority, I know that money isn't everything, and you can't buy happiness, blah blah blah. It's just...all my life I haven't been able to buy all the things I want, and I'm just tired. Tired of hearing that I can't have things (normal things), I can't wait anymore. I'm sick of waiting.

I'm not poor or anything, but I've always lived in a somehow wealthy environment, and not being able to have what everyone else has, is quite traumatic. I know that this seems like a stupid problem. But you know what? I realized a few days ago, that I have a crappy life. I always convinced myself that my life was okay compared to others, well, I'll tell you something, my life is crappy just as everyone else's. No dad, no money, nothing really interesting about me, and an everlasting depression.


Was this confusing? Yes? No?


I hate hate this school. I don't even want to imagine myself in it.

Hmm, I didn't explain the problem with this school, maybe in the next post. I still have to figure some things out.

XoXo

Gaby

I'm in pain right now, physical pain. My throat hurts, so I might not be able to blog tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow.

I think I'm being a more responsible blogger now, I give excuses before and not after. But seriously, it really hurts. I'll be back in a while, maybe even tomorrow, it all depends. Anyway, I just thought blogging about why I'm not here would be the right thing to do. LOL.

Well, I'll be back. I promise. Meh. I won't promise anything. I don't feel like dying today though.

XoXo
Gaby

Tired of fighting an endless battle,
I'm letting go of hope
And giving in to you,
My dear assassin.
You left nothing worth living,
So why don't you
Take over me now?
I'm all yours.
Hold me tight
Until the senseless breathing stops,
And I'm gone.
Stab the body,
And release the aching spirit.
Let your venom run through my veins,
And I'll sleep forever.
Take me with you,
And it will be over.
Peace...finally.
The damned world will be left behind.
And you'll know you did it all.

God. I'm brokenhearted. My crush and my worst enemy are dating.

Okay. Okay. Before you feel bad for me, I have to tell you who they are. His name is Pablo and he sings in a band called Kudai. And about her... her name is Belinda she sings as well. I've always hated her, lately I was beginning to like her, but now, I'm back to hating her. She's so stupid. And both of them are so untalented, something I didn't care about before, but now it's just unacceptable.


You might think this is ridiculous, and I know it is. It is funny but when I got the bad news...I was so crushed. And I just couldn't believe it, it was like...I don't know, the worst end of all my celebrity crushes.

I just wished it wasn't her, just any other girl. It doesn't have to be me, but it could be somebody else, anyone but her.

But anyway, that was a couple of days ago. I'm okay now.

Oh, and I thought it would be nice to guide you through my celebrity crush history... Enjoy!


Kuno Becker, I fell in love with him during a soap opera.







JC Chasez, the typical boy band crush






Sean Biggerstaff, Oliver Wood in the Harry Potter movies








Gael García, still love him

XoXo
Gaby

Door shut,
Lights out.
The beating heart longs to stop,
As the impatient waves come through.
Thunder cracks the smooth shell,
Revealing the trembling creature inside.
She knew it was there,
The suffocating solitude
Covered by that fragile smile.
Alone she stands,
Alone she drowns.
Not a secret anymore,
Not a secret in the dark.
She's not okay.


This is something I wrote a while ago. I didn't know what to blog about today so... "Why not?". As you can see, I'm keeping my promise of blogging more often. And sharing more with you, because you deserve it. I struggle with sharing poems, but that's a whole new story. Maybe some other day. =)

If you have any comment about my poem, any kind of comment, I would really appreciate it. I would like to know what you think about it. If you have advice, and I mean writing or life advice, leave a comment. Oh, and if you feel or have felt the same way, let's share.

XoXo
Gaby

This is my 100th post, and I thought it would be nice to do something special, since it took me this long to get to this post, mostly because I procrastinate A LOT. So, I was thinking and considered remembering some of my posts throughout Forever 17's history (which is not much). So I started reading, and I really saw myself growing up, or whatever it is. There was some evolution for this girl. And after reading some posts I read the comments on them, and I came up with a better idea.

I want to thank everyone who visits, reads or comments. I would have given up on blogging if it wasn't for you. LOL.

First I want to thank Celise Downs. Today, the depressed me went to visit her blog and noticed there was something different about it, a whole new look. So I clicked and clicked with curiosity, I read, downloaded, typed, watched, and submitted. And she totally inspired me, the depressed me was a little motivated I must say. Reading about her accomplishments, goals, and experiences, somehow touched me.

Then I visited Bianca over at Stir Fry Kitty, and found a new banner. I was not surprised though, she tends to change banners, I don't know how she comes up with such colorful ideas. So, I started reading her latest post, and once again I was motivated. Depressed me was less depressed. She has so many new plans and she made me think about my own. She's so determined, that's the Bianca I know.

Then I moved on to Kat's place, her blog is called "Stuck in the teenage years". I guess that's why we both enjoy reading each others blogs, we're both stuck in this. I haven't been reading her blog lately, but I read her latest entry and it was refreshing, it was as if I was reading something written by the happy me.

Then I visited Will at The Search for Health in Decadence, found a new poem. And I remembered how his poetry had fascinated me in the first place, and it was the reason for having him as my renter for a week. Then I found a friend, a poet, and an amazing person.

The next blog on the list was Croaker's Corner, I was visiting after a long time. I read the latest post, and it was so entertaining. I was not surprised about this. Everytime I read his posts and I'm about to comment I want to say it was so entertaining and well written, but I try not to because it would be too repetitive. And that just wouldn't work. So I come up with something else. But believe me, there's something about his posts.

My last visit, and my last special thank you goes to Miss Misery Smiles, she's a lot like me, probably because we're both teenagers. She blogs more than I do though. It's so much fun to read all of her posts. We've been emailing, which reminds me... I think I have to check my mail. Anyway, she has always been there, and it's like she really gets me. So thank you for that.

Oh, and meeting all these fascinating bloggers wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for Blog Explosion. So, thanks Blog Explosion for existing. Such a friendly place to be...

So here it ends.

If I didn't thank someone. I probably will in 200th post, and it won't take as long as this one did. I promise. Talking about promises, here are some:

I promise I will:

• Blog more often
• Share more than I already do
  
• Read more often my favorite blogs

These promises are a lot for me I have to say, especially the second one. I am a little paranoid about my blog life and my real life somehow meeting each other. I don't know if this makes sense, if you're a blogger, I think it does.

Thanks to everyone, to the teenagers and adults. You both have something different to offer, and I'm glad I can have both advice and understanding. =)

XoXo
Gaby