How many times do I have to say "my life sucks" for it to be over?! Okay, I get it. It doesn't work that way. You know? Today wasn't even a bad day, it was okay...until something ruined it.

I realized I don't have a best friend, I don't even talk with the few friends that could fit in that category. And my friends don't even seem friends, I feel quite insignificant around them. I feel lonely and sad, and it sucks. I want to go to school so badly, just to keep my mind busy. How sad...

My driving lessons will finally be over tomorrow, I think I did well overall. I'll probably get my license on Saturday, and I guess that's good. I still need some practice, cause I'm not that good.

Yesterday I went out with some friends, and it was mostly nice, I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a while, and I told him about my misadventures cause everyone here is sick of hearing them, LOL, just kidding, I don't even talk about my stupid misadventures to my "friends". But I did told him. It was good. The only bad thing about the whole night was that we went to a restaurant, and somehow we ended leaving a one peso tip (which is nothing), and we should have left at least 70 pesos. The weird thing was most of us had left 10 pesos each, but someone didn't pay...and I know who that someone was! And that's why I don't like going to restaurants with him. Not leaving tips is one of the things I hate doing, maybe I was a waitress in another life. Anyway, I couldn't pay 70 pesos by myself just because someone was being cheap. I feel bad for the waiter who was very patient and nice to us. He must have hated us after seeing the tip.

XoXo
Gaby

White Oleander is one of my favorite movies, it's a 2002 movie but I just discovered it a month ago, and I loved it. Even though I didn't get to see it from beginning to end because I found it randomly on TV, I fell in love with the story. I'm sure some of you have seen it, and if you haven't, I think you should.

After her uncompromising but seductive mother Ingrid (MICHELLE PFEIFFER) kills her boyfriend for abandoning her, fifteen-year-old Astrid (ALISON LOHMAN) witnesses her mother's arrest. It's an event that will change the course of both their lives. Suddenly, young Astrid is on her own.

Shuttled through a series of foster homes (and foster mothers including ROBIN WRIGHT PENN and RENÉE ZELLWEGER), Astrid struggles to master the techniques she needs if she's to survive the unyielding and often harsh world she is thrust into. Astrid tries desperately to forge her own identity within her ever-changing environment. From behind bars, Ingrid's powerful influence is the only constant in Astrid's life. For good, and for bad...

My favorite quote:

Ingrid to Astrid

Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself... know what you want.

When I first heard it in the movie, I felt like it was for me. I often attach to anyone who treats me well, it's like I'm not used to it so when someone does... I don't let go. If you think about it, it's quite pathetic.

About loneliness being the human condition, I do understand it, and a part of me strongly agrees, but my mind tries not to. Especially in the past years, I've found I've always been used to the idea of being better off alone, so sometimes I force myself to believe it's not true, that it's okay to need someone. But in the end... I guess I agree. I kind of have to.

XoXo
Gaby

I think it's time for me to describe some of the social changes I've experienced in my new school. See, my new classmates-friends, are so different from what I'm used to. It's nice and frustrating.

* Apparently the normal state of being is "not single". It's so weird, in a group 0f 45 people just about 5 are single, and I'm one of them naturally. This is not how it used to be for me. I was never a minority when being single. But now, everytime I say I'm single they make me feel like it's a disease and I'm about to die. It's so frustrating. So, I need someone NOW, I don't care who it is. Oh, wait, I do. I'm too picky. But it's too "uncomfortable" being single. What should I do? What do you think? And don't tell me to ignore it and forget about it. I need practical advice, not "being patient" crap. Okay. That was quite desperate. I'm just kidding, say anything, as long as it's advice.

* Everyone talks shit about everyone, but apparently everyone "likes" everyone. The other day I said I didn't like someone, and I thought my comment would be welcomed. My bad. Apparently, even though they talk shit of that person, they like her. It's so frustrating. I don't know how it works! Usually, if I don't like something about someone, I don't like that someone. And just so you get a clear idea of why I don't like this particular person... she said I was ugly! In a polite passive agressive way, but still, how dare she? Even if I was the ugliest person in the world and she was the prettiest, she has no right. That bitch!

* They laugh at my jokes. Sometimes I'm not even trying to be funny and they laugh. The other day I said the word "hygienic" and they found it so cute. That's right, they find me cute. And they find me pretty. And all THAT is new. Did I say they laugh at my jokes? It's so weird how, even if I don't really fit in YET, I feel accepted among them. Suddenly I'm not that forgetable.

I'm making an effort to adjust to all these changes. Meanwhile I have one new girlfriend. I don't know why she likes me. But thank God. I don't know what I'd do without her. A girl always needs at least one girlfriend. Don't you think?

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. I forgot to mention how yesterday went, let's just say it was fun and harmless. I'm glad I didn't miss it. And I was 99% sober.

I feel so unwanted at this moment. I know that I have friends and a family who cares. I just don't feel it. So what's the point? Why does this happen? Does this happen to everyone? Am I asking for too much attention?

Let me describe my situation. It's Saturday night and I want someone to call me to go some place, anywhere you know. But at the same time, I don't feel like going anywhere. Wherever I go nobody really cares about me or is interested in me. I can't blame them, I'm quiet, therefore, not really interesting, funny or entertaining.

I'm so...depressed.

What should I do? Go out even if everyone ignores me and I have to get drunk to not care? Or stay home and be okay even if this is a reminder of my depression? Hmm though going out would be a reminder of my uninterestingness. Hmmm...

I'm so boring.

XoXo
Gaby

Door shut,
Lights out.
The beating heart longs to stop,
As the impatient waves come through.
Thunder cracks the smooth shell,
Revealing the trembling creature inside.
She knew it was there,
The suffocating solitude
Covered by that fragile smile.
Alone she stands,
Alone she drowns.
Not a secret anymore,
Not a secret in the dark.
She's not okay.


This is something I wrote a while ago. I didn't know what to blog about today so... "Why not?". As you can see, I'm keeping my promise of blogging more often. And sharing more with you, because you deserve it. I struggle with sharing poems, but that's a whole new story. Maybe some other day. =)

If you have any comment about my poem, any kind of comment, I would really appreciate it. I would like to know what you think about it. If you have advice, and I mean writing or life advice, leave a comment. Oh, and if you feel or have felt the same way, let's share.

XoXo
Gaby