Someone implied I was a two-faced person today. I don't know if he was talking about me, but it felt like it. It's not something I feel bad about, though. Sometimes I am two-faced. The weird thing: I almost feel good about myself for developing the ability to talk kindly to someone I really hate. If that makes me two-faced. Then...oh well, too bad.

I used to be this one-faced simple girl, but it didn't work, so I had to change, and now I'm a pretty two-faced girl. I know it's bad, but I'm not going to lie about it. To be honest, I'm even proud of this because I couldn't do it before. If I didn't like someone, I couldn't even look at the person, but now I can be kind and even friendly to those I despise. And I feel good because I can control all my anger, hatred or whatever, and I can be kind. Sometimes people like me while I hate them. What can I do about it...

I'm not that two-faced though. I would never talk shit about my true friends. And I will always do what I say, like I would never pretend I'm a super honest person if I wasn't (but I am, I swear). And I try not to judge people, because I know someday I could do whatever that person is doing.

Well, there it is. One of the things I shouldn't blog about because it doesn't make me look good. But, for what it's worth, I used to be good, but I really had to change, because it wasn't healthy, being a one-faced naive girl. It's better this way, I even feel bitchy. It's like my inner bitch is free every now and then.

XoXo
Gaby

Today was one of those days where everything I usually bear without complaining seems magnified.

All my cancelled classes sucked...I only had two classes but spent all my morning at school doing nothing.

This stupid boy that hates me keeps being annoying. Today he said hi to Danny but not to me, even though Danny was with me. What's wrong with him? He hates me that much?

My friends' questions and comments are somehow harmful, not because of them, and not because of the questions, because of me, why do I even care?

I forgot to bring money to school, so I didn't eat anything the whole morning.

The woman from the corner store keeps being mean and rude, I tell my mom to stop going there, because there is no need, but she won't listen because she says it's the only store nearby. I prefer not to eat than buying something from that bitch.

One of mom's coworkers called her just to say mean crazy things, I told her to hang up but she didn't. Seriously that bitch is literally crazy, I don't know why my mom puts up with it.


You know what...I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!! If that stupid boy wants to be rude and ignore me, I can be rude too, and if I feel like it I'll ask him: ¡¿Cuál es tu chingado problema?! And I'll answer the whole truth to all of my friends' questions, and I'll answer without shame, because I have nothing to be ashamed. The other bitches are not my problem, but if I have a chance I could tell them: ¡¿Qué?! ¡Pinche vieja! ¡¿ Crees que me haces un favor vendiéndome tu mercancía de mierda de tu tienda hedionda?! ¡No! Ya me tienes harta con tus pinches jetas como si fuera mi culpa que tu vida sea una maldita mierda.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. On the brightside, tonight I'll watch the first episode of the "new" season of Grey's Anatomy. I know it's not new, but it's new here in Mexico. So...good.

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Now playing: Panda - Procedimientos Para Llegar A Un Común Acuerdo
via FoxyTunes

I want to get the poison out of me. I've been quite a bitch lately and it's not fun anymore, it just makes me feel... not guilty, but a little upset. I've noticed I'm a really good person, ok, I used to be. I've heard my friends talk about things they have done, and things they would do. And I mean, I couldn't and I won't. I can't harm people on purpose, and even though I'm not the kind of person that goes out and helps people (I know I should), I try to understand people and I think twice before judging.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not an angel, but I've realized I can do better.

So, what I really want to do first, is to stop any negative talking or evil plans, even if people really deserve it. I mean, who am I to say they deserve it? Even if they do. Besides, I'm worried about karma. So, I'll quit being a mean girl. I don't know if that will be easy, but I know I can do it, because I used to be...not a mean girl. Hopefully I'll get back to what I was before.

See you people!

XoXo
Gaby

I did something really really bitchy, and I truly regret it. It's not THAT bitchy, but it IS bitchy to me, because I'm not a bitch on a daily basis. Okay. Stop with the bitchin'.

So, there's this guy I hate, despise, and can't stand. He's so conceited, he thinks he's the best, and he's so mean. He has laughed at me several times, and that's the reason why I don't speak to him at all, well...sometimes I'm mean too. But what am I supposed to do? Be good to him? Hell no!

Okay, now...Remember McDreamy (a really cute guy)?

This guy I hate (let's call him Crooked Teeth) totally hates him, and I've concluded that the reason why he hates him is that McDreamy is hot, smart, cool, nice, cute and.... wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, and Crooked Teeth is nothing compared to him. Most of the guys envy McDreamy, but not to the point of hating him, so Crooked Teeth is quite pathetic.

Anyway, last Friday he was talking trash about adorable McDreamy, saying that we were all (all of his students) sick of him. Hello! That's only him! So, later that day... I was leaving school and saw McDreamy, and he said hi...Oh my God...so nice, right? Oh, yeah. But that's not it.

After that, I sort of started telling him about this Crooked Teeth guy, and what he was saying about him, and how he hated him. I can't believe I did it, that's so unlike me. And what worries me is the fact that it could turn into a big problem, because McDreamy has some power over us (not because he's hot, but because he's kind of our teacher), and he could focus all of his anger on Crooked Teeth. That would be great, and I would really enjoy it if it wasn't my fault, but basically it was entirely my fault. I never do stuff like this (creating big drama), I tend to let someone else do the dirty job, and I always thought that sooner or later everyone would realize what an idiot Crooked Teeth is.

So...I'm a little worried about tomorrow. What I really hope is that no one finds out that it was me, or that it happened.

Lessons learned:

• Not to make Danny's ideas mine, yeah, it was her idea on the first place. It just made sense at the moment, and I had the opportunity and did it. Dammit!
  
• Let someone else do that bitchy things that I obviously can't do without turning everything into guilt.
• Not let my hatred for Crooked Teeth and my love for McDreamy change my behavior.
• If I ever do something bitchy again, and I think I will, do not feel this guilty about it.
  

XoXo
Gaby

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Now playing: Jennifer Lopez - Let's get loud

via FoxyTunes

I think it's time for me to describe some of the social changes I've experienced in my new school. See, my new classmates-friends, are so different from what I'm used to. It's nice and frustrating.

* Apparently the normal state of being is "not single". It's so weird, in a group 0f 45 people just about 5 are single, and I'm one of them naturally. This is not how it used to be for me. I was never a minority when being single. But now, everytime I say I'm single they make me feel like it's a disease and I'm about to die. It's so frustrating. So, I need someone NOW, I don't care who it is. Oh, wait, I do. I'm too picky. But it's too "uncomfortable" being single. What should I do? What do you think? And don't tell me to ignore it and forget about it. I need practical advice, not "being patient" crap. Okay. That was quite desperate. I'm just kidding, say anything, as long as it's advice.

* Everyone talks shit about everyone, but apparently everyone "likes" everyone. The other day I said I didn't like someone, and I thought my comment would be welcomed. My bad. Apparently, even though they talk shit of that person, they like her. It's so frustrating. I don't know how it works! Usually, if I don't like something about someone, I don't like that someone. And just so you get a clear idea of why I don't like this particular person... she said I was ugly! In a polite passive agressive way, but still, how dare she? Even if I was the ugliest person in the world and she was the prettiest, she has no right. That bitch!

* They laugh at my jokes. Sometimes I'm not even trying to be funny and they laugh. The other day I said the word "hygienic" and they found it so cute. That's right, they find me cute. And they find me pretty. And all THAT is new. Did I say they laugh at my jokes? It's so weird how, even if I don't really fit in YET, I feel accepted among them. Suddenly I'm not that forgetable.

I'm making an effort to adjust to all these changes. Meanwhile I have one new girlfriend. I don't know why she likes me. But thank God. I don't know what I'd do without her. A girl always needs at least one girlfriend. Don't you think?

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. I forgot to mention how yesterday went, let's just say it was fun and harmless. I'm glad I didn't miss it. And I was 99% sober.

I bought Avril Lavigne's "The Best Damn Thing" CD a while ago. Being an Avril fan for a while and knowing all of her songs, I felt this last CD took her back to her first One ("Let Go"), it didn't feel more mature. With songs like Girlfriend, The Best Damn Thing and Everything Back but You, the only mature songs I could find were Innocence, Keep Holding On and When You're Gone. This would be fine if it was her first CD, but after listening to "Under My Skin" it just wasn't what I was expecting.

Despite this I listened to the whole album a few times, until I liked it and after that, I sang along. I woke up all mornings and put the CD and it really worked for me. That was before I found out she steals songs.

As PerezHilton.com pointed out earlier, a good portion of Avril’s song I Don’t Have To Try off her new album sounds almost identical to the song I'm the Kinda by electro-pop-punk princess Peaches - off her brazilliant 2003 album Fatherfucker.

I watched the video and listened to both songs...they felt like the same. What I hate the most is she claims to be a songwriter, an authentic artist and thinks she's better than most pop singers, but she's just what she seems: a P O S E R. I'm not even upset, I hate her, she's stupid. She's everything I hate, a liar, a fake, a wannabe.

At this point I like better Paris Hilton.

No more Avril for me.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. If you're wondering why on Earth I liked Avril's music, I have one simple answer: I'm a pop lover.

Really, why can't I be a bitch? After my last post, I kept repeating to myself: "Really, why can't I?" I've read "Getting in Touch With Your Inner Bitch" by Elizabeth Hilts, I know the basics. I can do it. How hard can it be? Bitches do it all the time.

Okay. Who am I fooling?! It's hard to be a bitch when you're someone like me, shy, self-conscious, sweet, insecure, and non-bitchy. But it can't be impossible. Can it? I know it won't be easy, but I'll work hard to get there. That's my goal, I didn't have one, and now I do. How cool is that?

All bitches out there, come share any tips and knowledge with me, it would really help me.

And now, some inspiring words by Madonna from the back cover of "Getting In Touch With Your Inner Bitch"

I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.

On a side note, my dead ex-best friend called. Turns out, the only time she called me in all Christmas break, was one of the few times I had a plan. A few months before I would have cancelled my plan, but not now. I'm a bitch now. Ok, that was not bitchy. I just didn't feel guilty about it, or cancellled my plans for someone who probably only called because nobody else was available. So, I'm proud of myself.

XoXo
Gaby

A friend called yesterday, the only friend who cares enough to call. She calls me every now and then to chat a little, which usually extends to a long conversation. Anyway, she called to tell me the great news. She'll be with me in french class, a class I hate (I hate everyone in it). But maybe I won't hate it as much now that I will have some good company. It was totally unexpected, and I was super happy.

Then, as always, we talked for a long time. It felt like an hour, but I really don't know. In the middle of somewhere she started laughing, I didn't understand why. And she said that someone had told her a funny story. As everyone, I love funny stories, so I wanted to know. For some reason she didn't want to tell. She didn't say: "I can't tell you" or something, but I could sense she was hesitating, and thinking it wouldn't be such a good idea. In the end, she did tell me, and I realized why she didn't want to, and she was right, it wasn't nice to listen it. It was nothing I didn't know, it was something I knew but didn't like remembering.

She started slowly with: "I don't know if you knew but for New Year's Eve everyone went to ___'s place"

In my mind: Of course I didn't know, I literally didn't do ANYTHING in New Year's Eve!

I tried to be cool, and just said: "Oh, I didn't know...Who went?"

She said: "Well..._,__;__,___,___...."

I was SHOCKED.

Pretending I didn't care, I ended saying: "Oh, I see. So what did you do for New Year's Eve?"

She answered: "I went with my aunt, it was horrible..."

We continued talking about various topics.


After hanging up the phone, I came back to reality, where I was shocked, and did care. You wonder why? Let's see. When she mentioned all the people who went, I knew who would be there, and didn't really care. There's no connection between me and them, so I wasn't expecting an invitation. But she said the name of my best friend, now ex-best friend, she's dead to me (I added an extra drama there). What I'm trying to say is: What the fuck?! I didn't expect anything from them, but her... I considered her my friend but I guessed I was confused because she is nothing like a friend.

I think I've found her meaning of friendship. Everything makes sense. Long story short: now that she doesn't need me, she doesn't care about me as a friend. The friend I thought I had would prefer spending New Year's Eve with me, doing something different. But I guess that was so wrong. And I've made this whole statement because it's not the first time. I've just had enough. After all, doesn't a friend call or at least returns your calls?

So, what do you do when someone you believe is your best friend is not?

And I'm left wondering, is there such a thing like a friend. And by this I don't mean a perfect friend. I mean someone who doesn't use me, or treat me like crap and betrays me, or is really really mean, or gets new friends and doesn't care about me anymore. All of these have been past experiences (all dead ex-best friends). Now you know why I doubt real friendship exists.

I can't believe I'm saying this but, why can't I be a bitch like everyone else around me?! I feel stupid.

By the way, if you're wondering what the hell is __,___,___. There's a simple explanation. I don't like blogging with names, it feels weird, so I replace it with nothing.

XoXo
Gaby