How many times do I have to say "my life sucks" for it to be over?! Okay, I get it. It doesn't work that way. You know? Today wasn't even a bad day, it was okay...until something ruined it.

I realized I don't have a best friend, I don't even talk with the few friends that could fit in that category. And my friends don't even seem friends, I feel quite insignificant around them. I feel lonely and sad, and it sucks. I want to go to school so badly, just to keep my mind busy. How sad...

My driving lessons will finally be over tomorrow, I think I did well overall. I'll probably get my license on Saturday, and I guess that's good. I still need some practice, cause I'm not that good.

Yesterday I went out with some friends, and it was mostly nice, I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a while, and I told him about my misadventures cause everyone here is sick of hearing them, LOL, just kidding, I don't even talk about my stupid misadventures to my "friends". But I did told him. It was good. The only bad thing about the whole night was that we went to a restaurant, and somehow we ended leaving a one peso tip (which is nothing), and we should have left at least 70 pesos. The weird thing was most of us had left 10 pesos each, but someone didn't pay...and I know who that someone was! And that's why I don't like going to restaurants with him. Not leaving tips is one of the things I hate doing, maybe I was a waitress in another life. Anyway, I couldn't pay 70 pesos by myself just because someone was being cheap. I feel bad for the waiter who was very patient and nice to us. He must have hated us after seeing the tip.

XoXo
Gaby

I think it's time for me to describe some of the social changes I've experienced in my new school. See, my new classmates-friends, are so different from what I'm used to. It's nice and frustrating.

* Apparently the normal state of being is "not single". It's so weird, in a group 0f 45 people just about 5 are single, and I'm one of them naturally. This is not how it used to be for me. I was never a minority when being single. But now, everytime I say I'm single they make me feel like it's a disease and I'm about to die. It's so frustrating. So, I need someone NOW, I don't care who it is. Oh, wait, I do. I'm too picky. But it's too "uncomfortable" being single. What should I do? What do you think? And don't tell me to ignore it and forget about it. I need practical advice, not "being patient" crap. Okay. That was quite desperate. I'm just kidding, say anything, as long as it's advice.

* Everyone talks shit about everyone, but apparently everyone "likes" everyone. The other day I said I didn't like someone, and I thought my comment would be welcomed. My bad. Apparently, even though they talk shit of that person, they like her. It's so frustrating. I don't know how it works! Usually, if I don't like something about someone, I don't like that someone. And just so you get a clear idea of why I don't like this particular person... she said I was ugly! In a polite passive agressive way, but still, how dare she? Even if I was the ugliest person in the world and she was the prettiest, she has no right. That bitch!

* They laugh at my jokes. Sometimes I'm not even trying to be funny and they laugh. The other day I said the word "hygienic" and they found it so cute. That's right, they find me cute. And they find me pretty. And all THAT is new. Did I say they laugh at my jokes? It's so weird how, even if I don't really fit in YET, I feel accepted among them. Suddenly I'm not that forgetable.

I'm making an effort to adjust to all these changes. Meanwhile I have one new girlfriend. I don't know why she likes me. But thank God. I don't know what I'd do without her. A girl always needs at least one girlfriend. Don't you think?

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. I forgot to mention how yesterday went, let's just say it was fun and harmless. I'm glad I didn't miss it. And I was 99% sober.

I wish I could give you some interesting updates my fellow readers, but they're basically the following:


*I'm oficially on vacation, just one week so I better not get too excited about it. What will I do with my super one week vacation? Let me think about it. I would like to go the beach, but I won't. I would like to go shopping, but I won't. Oh well, I'll be okay. At least I won't be at school. But now that I think about it, I miss it a little. You know, seeing my classmates.

*I've been trying to clean up my bedroom. I'm getting rid of everything I don't need. Hopefully I'll get rid of mostly everything. I know I won't miss it. And less things in my bedroom will make things easier.

*My weekend was not as boring as I thought it would be. I ended up with two potential plans for Saturday, and one surprising plan yesterday.

*I bought white and pink earrings in an attempt to be less tomboyish... I think I'll need more than that though. I should stop wearing the "it sucks here, it sucks there, but more than anything, it sucks to be you" t-shirt.

*I've been enjoying "The Hills". Somehow I feel like Lauren, betrayed by "best friends".

*Oh, and I forgot to mention it before, but you can now subscribe in a reader to my blog. Just click on the "subscribe in a reader" thing. Duh. That was unnecessary I hope.


Bottom line: No good news. No bad news. Could be worse. My life story.

XoXo
Gaby

Have you ever met someone who's just addictive? I know I have.

I love those kinds of friends, I just can't get enough. And sometimes they're not even good friends, or good persons, or at least not the best ones in the category. I'm aware of that, but I like spending time with them. They're fun and entertaining, sometimes you can't really trust them though.

On the other side, there's this weird kind I like to call annoying friends. How original...Anyway, they're people I can't stand because they are... have I said ANNOYING?! Oops, I think I have. All I can say is their insecurities are all over the place. I try to be patient about this, because I know they're good people, and they're good friends, they just lack confidence. And if someone knows about lacking confidence, that's me (actually I think everyone knows something about the subject). So, I try to be patient because I kinda know what it's like to feel so insecure. I have to admit, sometimes I feel like yelling: "Get over it!". But then again, I wouldn't like someone to yell that at me during one of my insecurity moments.

In the end I wonder what kind am I. I hope I'm addictive but trustworthy. Though I can qualify for annoying a lot of times...

Luckily I have friends that are not annoying, and not addictive. Friends that share same ideas and thoughts with me, so I get along with them really well, and they're really good friends. Those are the perfect kind. Don't you think?

I think I have 2 of that kind, but they're not available at the time. =(

Still if I ever need someone, I know I can ask them for help. I just don't spend time with them lately...

XoXo
Gaby

-"Gaby, Gaby. Guess what! He talked to me."
-"Oh, good...I guess."

You would think I would be happier because he finally talked to her. But I'm not. Why? Because he is mine, my crush. A crush I love and then hate, and then ignore and then stalk. But MY crush after all.

It's not the first time she does this. And it always hurts badly. It makes me want to kill her. I know, I know she likes him. It's so obvious. She's more excited about him than I am, and she feels SO good because he talks to her and not to me. Classic symptoms.

This is the second time it happens with me, but it is also the second time for Sakura (best friend). And the worst thing is that it is Sakura's boyfriend, and my other friend obviously likes him, always has. And yeah, Sakura has treated him badly, and sometimes loves him, and hates him. But it's her boyfriend after all.

Why does she do that?

Last time it really hurt me and this time made me incredibly jealous. It has made me hate this behavior ALWAYS.

This is the reason why I can't be happy for another friend, because she's going out with a guy another friend liked before and still does. And even though the other friend is not my friend anymore, I still feel bad for her. And not good about my friend's relationship.

Why do they do this? I know sometimes it just happens, but if it happens the least you could do is accept it and stop being annoyingly obvious about it. Oh, and yes, don't go out with him without asking if it's okay to your friend. And if you care about your friendship, respect her decision.

What do you think? I don't ask for advice, it is not necessary, I really don't want to talk about it with her. Let's just say I have tried the talking thing with her, and it has never worked. Anyways, if someone has gone through this or feels the same, or has something to add. Let me know. =)

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. I've mentioned before I don't like posting real names here, and giving people nicknames is kind of weird. Do you have any ideas? Or should I keep things as they are?

I'm starting to see things as they are. My crush is no longer cute. Ok, he's still cute, but he's SO STUPID. I'm more embarassed by what he says in every single class than he is. I don't know if he does it on purpose or if that's just him, but either way, that's not really smart.

About my ex-best friend, I don't know if she's good or bad, so I'll just put her in the bad category, just in case. I don't want to see a real friend in someone who's not AGAIN.

I'm also starting to think about my future in a colder way. I have to think about what's really possible.

It sounds pessimistic, but that's me always. The optimistic point of view seems stupid (that's just my opinion). I mean, let's be realistic. I'm okay with the dreaming part, but when it comes to decisions, and actions I have to be pessimistic. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

So, this is real.

My crush---> impossible
My ex- best friend----> probably a bitch
My future----> anything I choose will be too hard for me.

It doesn't mean I won't try. It just means that I know how things really are.

* * *

I turned 18 years old, and I still feel like nothing special. Only one more person in this world, but I'm all I have.

XoXo
Gaby

I've mentioned before I love certain writing styles, and my new renter Bluepanther was chosen because of this. I don't know his real name, I'm guessing Bluepanther is not. I read his posts when I vote in the Battle of the Blogs and I always like what I get to read. Now that he's my renter and is right there in the sidebar I'll remember to check out his blog and read what's new. I've just read his last post and I've learned a few things. Did you know some centuries ago a person could hardly meet 200 people in his entire life? And now thanks to the different ways of travelling we can go to different far away places and meet all kinds of people all over the world. Want to know more? Go, visit, and comment. =)

* * *

Today was my second day at school. I'm not sure how to describe it. The dreaded french class went way better than I expected, I'll summarize it like this: good french teacher, nice classroom, my unexpected lovely dummie crush, and no idiots. Ok, there are some mean girls, but other than that it is quite good, and I've learned to live with them, so it's alright, and now I have my friends with me.

Ok, here comes the crappy thing about today.

I went to my ex best friend's house because a friend was going to. We started talking and I couldn't help being nice, I'm so used to pretending everything's okay when it's not in my daily life that now I can't stop it. So, we were talking and there were like a thousand things I didn't know about her life lately but I didn't even asked or payed attention. She doesn't deserve it! Does she care about my life?! No, she doesn't! So, I just kept being indifferent, always nice though. When I found that the other day when she invited me to go to her house, she only called me because she couldn't invite anyone else. I almost said: "Oh, so that's why you invited me! " It scared me how it was going to come out of my mouth, just like that, without even going through my brain. I was actually going to do what a bitch would, I was just about to say what I really think. Maybe I'm one step closer to being a real bitch.

I arrived home, and as always ended up my pretending and realized I was really really really upset. And I couldn't share it with anyone, so here I am blogging about this and thinking about the things I would like to say.

Don't expect to find a best friend in me. I'm sick of being ignored and neglected by you. I stopped caring about you the day I realized you've never cared. And you must know that you'll get from me exactly what I've received from you. You'll see, it's nothing like friendship. I feel so stupid for seeing a true best friend in someone like you.

I'll never say this, not in this clear strong way. When I finally say it I'll be probably crying, yelling, or dying. In a way I want some passive agressive revenge first. I know it's bad, but I want it so badly.

By the way, I think I didn't describe correctly the bitch I want to be someday in the previous post. I don't want to be mean, I'm just tired of everyone treating me like trash, taking me for granted, and thinking everything's okay. I want to speak what's on my mind, and I want to be heard, and it just seems so hard. Just yesterday a stupid kid I HATE yelled my name as if he had just seen a monster, and I came home and looked at myself in the mirror, and considered that maybe he really was surprised of how ugly I looked, that maybe he was right. And I know it's stupid to think it because he's an idiot, he will always say mean things, and I just wish I could have respond saying something like: "Marica adoptado". Those two words would have shut him up forever. I know there's nothing wrong with being that, but I know he's insecure about it. And maybe you don't understand what "marica adoptado" means because it's Spanish, but I don't want to translate it, it's too mean.

XoXo
Gaby

Really, why can't I be a bitch? After my last post, I kept repeating to myself: "Really, why can't I?" I've read "Getting in Touch With Your Inner Bitch" by Elizabeth Hilts, I know the basics. I can do it. How hard can it be? Bitches do it all the time.

Okay. Who am I fooling?! It's hard to be a bitch when you're someone like me, shy, self-conscious, sweet, insecure, and non-bitchy. But it can't be impossible. Can it? I know it won't be easy, but I'll work hard to get there. That's my goal, I didn't have one, and now I do. How cool is that?

All bitches out there, come share any tips and knowledge with me, it would really help me.

And now, some inspiring words by Madonna from the back cover of "Getting In Touch With Your Inner Bitch"

I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.

On a side note, my dead ex-best friend called. Turns out, the only time she called me in all Christmas break, was one of the few times I had a plan. A few months before I would have cancelled my plan, but not now. I'm a bitch now. Ok, that was not bitchy. I just didn't feel guilty about it, or cancellled my plans for someone who probably only called because nobody else was available. So, I'm proud of myself.

XoXo
Gaby

A friend called yesterday, the only friend who cares enough to call. She calls me every now and then to chat a little, which usually extends to a long conversation. Anyway, she called to tell me the great news. She'll be with me in french class, a class I hate (I hate everyone in it). But maybe I won't hate it as much now that I will have some good company. It was totally unexpected, and I was super happy.

Then, as always, we talked for a long time. It felt like an hour, but I really don't know. In the middle of somewhere she started laughing, I didn't understand why. And she said that someone had told her a funny story. As everyone, I love funny stories, so I wanted to know. For some reason she didn't want to tell. She didn't say: "I can't tell you" or something, but I could sense she was hesitating, and thinking it wouldn't be such a good idea. In the end, she did tell me, and I realized why she didn't want to, and she was right, it wasn't nice to listen it. It was nothing I didn't know, it was something I knew but didn't like remembering.

She started slowly with: "I don't know if you knew but for New Year's Eve everyone went to ___'s place"

In my mind: Of course I didn't know, I literally didn't do ANYTHING in New Year's Eve!

I tried to be cool, and just said: "Oh, I didn't know...Who went?"

She said: "Well..._,__;__,___,___...."

I was SHOCKED.

Pretending I didn't care, I ended saying: "Oh, I see. So what did you do for New Year's Eve?"

She answered: "I went with my aunt, it was horrible..."

We continued talking about various topics.


After hanging up the phone, I came back to reality, where I was shocked, and did care. You wonder why? Let's see. When she mentioned all the people who went, I knew who would be there, and didn't really care. There's no connection between me and them, so I wasn't expecting an invitation. But she said the name of my best friend, now ex-best friend, she's dead to me (I added an extra drama there). What I'm trying to say is: What the fuck?! I didn't expect anything from them, but her... I considered her my friend but I guessed I was confused because she is nothing like a friend.

I think I've found her meaning of friendship. Everything makes sense. Long story short: now that she doesn't need me, she doesn't care about me as a friend. The friend I thought I had would prefer spending New Year's Eve with me, doing something different. But I guess that was so wrong. And I've made this whole statement because it's not the first time. I've just had enough. After all, doesn't a friend call or at least returns your calls?

So, what do you do when someone you believe is your best friend is not?

And I'm left wondering, is there such a thing like a friend. And by this I don't mean a perfect friend. I mean someone who doesn't use me, or treat me like crap and betrays me, or is really really mean, or gets new friends and doesn't care about me anymore. All of these have been past experiences (all dead ex-best friends). Now you know why I doubt real friendship exists.

I can't believe I'm saying this but, why can't I be a bitch like everyone else around me?! I feel stupid.

By the way, if you're wondering what the hell is __,___,___. There's a simple explanation. I don't like blogging with names, it feels weird, so I replace it with nothing.

XoXo
Gaby

I'm so exhausted right now. I've been wondering if there's something for me in this world. I'm starting to think there's nothing, but here I am. Still alive. So, let's see what happens tomorrow.

Today I received a phone call. Believe it or not, this is weird in my life. It was a friend, my best friend. It was as if she read my mind, as if she knew I was in need of someone. Maybe just a coincidence.

As I was telling her about yesterday's drama, I could feel my voice and hands trembling. She's the only one who knows it. I'm ashamed of everything, and I just thought that nobody would really understand without judging. But I had forgotten, she always understands. I don't even have to explain, I don't even have to convince her. She just gets it, and she doesn't judge me. I'm glad I have her as a friend. And hopefully I'll keep her. There's always hope, even if I've learned nothing lasts forever.

XoXo
Gaby