This time, it was me who messed things up. It was my fault, and it was my loss, not his. And I realized it today cause a friend told me: "Hey, you totally messed up". How clear is that?

I'm so used to being the victim, being the one deserving to cheer up. I never would have known this is way more painful, the guilt is killing me. He would be so happy if he knew what I'm going through. People have hurt me before, and I would be happy to know they're suffering. It sucks, but it's true.

Today I came home and all I wanted was to sleep to "forget" about it (even though I had to study). It worked while I was asleep, but I'm back to feeling guilty and not really knowing what to do with myself. My friend's words keep repeating in my head.

I heard somewhere it was never too late (The O.C. I think), and I know that can be true but it won't do. He's hurt and if I ask for forgiveness, or even try to give an explanation...well, the brightest picture would be he won't hate me anymore, and being really really optimistic, we could be friends. He won't like me again just because I say I really didn't mean it, that it wasn't me being a mean bitch, but being really really stupid and naive. And he has almost every right, and I say almost, because it's true, I really didn't mean it, I'm just so clueless, I don't know how to act, how to behave, I'm shy and proud (a terrible combination, I've learned). I hurt him without even knowing it, without even wanting to, it was completely the opposite. I liked him, or could have liked him, so he read me all wrong. I don't blame him though.

I guess I won't do this mistake again, and I should just forget about the whole thing and forgive myself (cause he won't). I don't know if I should try to fix things, but I probably won't cause I'm afraid he'll be mean. In other words, I'm afraid of getting what I deserve, I've tortured myself enough. Would that make it worse?

XoXo
Gaby

I thought I would feel better about life if I did good at school, like I would feel good about myself, less dumb and less worthless, but I'm still quite empty. I'm not liking life, I think it actually sucks. I know people (including myself) say that too many times. But I don't care. I don't care if that's completely immature, and if it's just complaining about little things I hate.

I don't care because for a reason I feel like crying, and for a reason I want to stay in bed and hide forever. I hate happiness while I'm being miserable, actually all the happiness makes me realize how miserable I am, you know. Like I wouldn't even notice or bother to complain if everyone was as miserable as I am. It's not right for me to say this, but I hate people for being happy when I haven't been happy for quite a while, I hate life.

Sometimes it just hits me, I'm not that special, and I don't have much. I couldn't possibly blog about it, it's just too much, and things I've hidden inside for a reason.

I hate not being as special as I want to be, and I hate not having things I want. As spoiled as all my complaints may seem...that's the way it is.

Sometimes I feel like God has forgotten about me, because I know I have waited, and I have coped with all of it, and he doesn't seem to care at all. He doesn't even bother to give me a break.

I guess this is one of those days when I feel like dying or something.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. I know I will hate myself for blogging about this, it's just too pathetic, but I can't help it, it's all true.

Today was one of those days where everything I usually bear without complaining seems magnified.

All my cancelled classes sucked...I only had two classes but spent all my morning at school doing nothing.

This stupid boy that hates me keeps being annoying. Today he said hi to Danny but not to me, even though Danny was with me. What's wrong with him? He hates me that much?

My friends' questions and comments are somehow harmful, not because of them, and not because of the questions, because of me, why do I even care?

I forgot to bring money to school, so I didn't eat anything the whole morning.

The woman from the corner store keeps being mean and rude, I tell my mom to stop going there, because there is no need, but she won't listen because she says it's the only store nearby. I prefer not to eat than buying something from that bitch.

One of mom's coworkers called her just to say mean crazy things, I told her to hang up but she didn't. Seriously that bitch is literally crazy, I don't know why my mom puts up with it.


You know what...I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!! If that stupid boy wants to be rude and ignore me, I can be rude too, and if I feel like it I'll ask him: ¡¿Cuál es tu chingado problema?! And I'll answer the whole truth to all of my friends' questions, and I'll answer without shame, because I have nothing to be ashamed. The other bitches are not my problem, but if I have a chance I could tell them: ¡¿Qué?! ¡Pinche vieja! ¡¿ Crees que me haces un favor vendiéndome tu mercancía de mierda de tu tienda hedionda?! ¡No! Ya me tienes harta con tus pinches jetas como si fuera mi culpa que tu vida sea una maldita mierda.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. On the brightside, tonight I'll watch the first episode of the "new" season of Grey's Anatomy. I know it's not new, but it's new here in Mexico. So...good.

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Now playing: Panda - Procedimientos Para Llegar A Un Común Acuerdo
via FoxyTunes

Today was a shitty day, I don't know why, I just know it was. The thought: "I might as well die" crossed my mind for a long hour. It's not that I want to die, it's just that sometimes I feel things won't get better, and even if they do get better someday, I'm sick of waiting, so... I don't mind if I die tomorrow. Tomorrow may be a good day though, so, I may change my mind. You see? There's still hope, stupid hope.

How did today turn into a shitty day? I'm not sure. I was tired the whole day, and that makes me less patient with people and things. I got a 55 on anatomy, it was expected, but still...it didn't make my day. I didn't see the guy that I like and I was looking forward to that. I think what finally got me was my thinking, all this thinking that I do is really overwhelming. It's like I'm thinking way too much things, over and over again, not really reaching conclusions for a while. Sometimes I just have to press the pause button, and just stop it.

Don't ask me what this thinking is all about. I'm not quite sure, and it's the kind of issue you have to really analyze to see what's bothering you, and I don't want to do it, I don't want to find out what's underneath it all. Maybe I already have an idea but I just don't want to confirm it.

Anyway, for today, I'll keep focused on studying, even if it's late (9:30 PM), I'll try to save what's left of this day.

XoXo
Gaby


P.S. I forgot to mention my visit to the dentist, something I hate. So, add that to my stupid day.

So... I did study today, but not enough to catch up with the class. I'm so left behind...as always! And today, was just as boring as yesterday, maybe even more. At least I got some stuff done (laundry and homework). But other than that, it was quite uneventful. Oh, wait, I've got an event...there's this freak who added me on MSN Messenger, and he's quite suspicious. The reason why I haven't blocked this freak is that even though he says he's a complete stranger he suspiciously knows I'm at med school, so he's not as a stranger as he says he is. As you can see...today was quite boring. I'm blogging about this freak/stalker.

XoXo
Gaby

Is my life as boring as I think it is? Or is it just me whining about it the whole time? I don't know, I feel like it's pretty much boring, even to me.

Anyway, today was nothing at all, I should have studied but I didn't. Don't worry there's no big test coming, it's just that, if I don't study everyday, it will be impossible to do so one day before the big test. And I made that mistake last year (twice), and I'm trying to change things this time. And I wonder, if I will make it. Of course I can, but will I? I guess we'll see.

Did I mention today was boring? I didn't go out or anything, actually right now, I'm thinking it was a complete waste of time to take a shower and get dressed. I don't even know if it's cold out there or not, I haven't even looked out the window. So, as you can see... complete waste of time...and clean clothes...and water...and soap...and shampoo. Ok, I think you know what I mean.

So, I should probably go now and read or something...and by reading I don't mean real meaningful reading. I mean, stupid reading...like anatomy, embryology, histology, and some other crap. Ok, don't get me wrong, I love all of my subjects, and I know they will be useful someday, but I'm really annoyed right now because of my crappy lame day, and tomorrow's Sunday, so I can't expect life to get better by tomorrow. Sundays always suck, I hate Sundays.


XoXo
Gaby

Yesterday was such and overwhelming day. I spent most of the day being stressed because of homework, things I had study, and the McDreamy-Crooked Teeth incident. In the end it all sort of worked out, well, kind of.

Ok, so... Remember the McDreamy-Crooked Teeth incident? It totally blew up in my face. Long story short: McDreamy thinks I lied about the whole thing. I thought he would be mean to me because of this, but he was "cool" about it. So it was okay. But it's not THAT okay because I didn't lie.

And the other thing... Remember my stupid perfect movie-like thing? It's everything but perfect. Turns out, that when this guy (let's call him movie guy) said that his friend liked me, he was saying the truth, it was his friend and not him. So let me tell you how it happened.

I was doing homework with Danny, and then movie guy arrives with a friend. The moment that he introduced his friend, I knew it... It was his friend and not him who liked me. Danny realized it too but she kept being annoying about it, making fun of the guy because he likes me, she made the most illogical comments... and really thought I didn't notice at all. I kept pretending I had no idea of what was going on, I really didn't know what to do, and the whole thing was embarrassing so it was the best thing I could think of.

I was so busy and stressed because of homework, that I didn't pay much attention to him. But just the idea of someone liking me that way (not knowing me), is so weird. I mean, I had never ever noticed this guy before, and he likes me? Anyway, I was a little upset because it was not the movie guy, and even more upset because the movie guy seems to like another friend. On the other side the guy that does like me seems good, he's cute, and nice.

Meanwhile, Danny told everyone (all classmates) about this guy who likes me ... that's what she calls "express gossip". Oh, and I think my friends asked them (these two guys) to go out on Friday, and they keep telling this guy that he has to go because I'm going. And even though, I love being the center of attention from time to time, I don't know what to say when my friends keep asking me if I like him, and saying he's not ugly (their words, not mine).

I know one thing, I will not tell them I'm considering it, that would really set them off. But truth is, maybe, I mean..he's cute, seems nice, and he likes me. So, we'll see.

XoXo
Gaby

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Now playing: Ashlee Simpson - Love Makes the World Go Round
via FoxyTunes

I'm hating my life...

It's nothing compared to other things, but it's still messing everything up. The atmosphere at school is unbearable, seniors not only despise us, but hate us (freshmen). Why? Because of something that isn't really our fault.

It used to be a tradition for seniors to make a welcome party for first year students, in which freshmen were supposed to go through a sort of initiation, I don't know how that initiation is called in English, according to Wikipedia it is known as ragging and hazing. Anyway, I think you know what I'm talking about.

Last year, something really bad happened, and since then it's forbidden. Fifth graders didn't like it, obviously, and they hate us now. They've made our life at school quite ugly. Yesterday they made the hardest test ever, and I won't even talk about today.

I guess what's really bugging me, is the fact that I can't do anything about it. I feel totally helpless. And it isn't my fault!

Almost all of us have agreed to go through the initiation. I don't know if seniors will make it because they could get expelled for that, so they have to make sure that all of us agree (and that's not easy).

I'm okay with going through that disgusting and humilliating ritual if that's what it takes for us to be "in". I just want it to be over.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. I'm sick and tired, medicine is not as convincing as I thought it would be. Not only because of this issue, it's just not convincing...