I'm sick and tired of school.

For the first time I'm thinking maybe they were right, everyone who said I couldn't do this, and that medicine wasn't for me, was right. I can't do this. And I was so sure, I wanted to show them they were wrong about me, but they weren't. A 73 in embryology, a 59 in radiology, a 64 in cellular biology. I can't do this anymore. I thought I would learn from my mistakes and get better, but I really can't. I'm stuck in mediocrity. And it's hard.

I had never cried over school, but this is so much more than just school. It's the fact that I can't do it all, the fact that I was wrong, that it's not enough to want it badly and do your best. My best is not enough.

People always say medicine is not for everyone, and they don't know how cruel it is to say that, and how painful it is to hear it. Especially when you don't have it. And when you don't want anything else but medicine.

I know I can save the school year, but I don't see how. I've tried, and I've tried, and I'm stuck in the 50s and 60s. I didn't want it to be this way, I wanted to be good, and now I don't even know if I'll be. I don't know what else is there for me to do.

XoXo
Gaby

Today was a shitty day, I don't know why, I just know it was. The thought: "I might as well die" crossed my mind for a long hour. It's not that I want to die, it's just that sometimes I feel things won't get better, and even if they do get better someday, I'm sick of waiting, so... I don't mind if I die tomorrow. Tomorrow may be a good day though, so, I may change my mind. You see? There's still hope, stupid hope.

How did today turn into a shitty day? I'm not sure. I was tired the whole day, and that makes me less patient with people and things. I got a 55 on anatomy, it was expected, but still...it didn't make my day. I didn't see the guy that I like and I was looking forward to that. I think what finally got me was my thinking, all this thinking that I do is really overwhelming. It's like I'm thinking way too much things, over and over again, not really reaching conclusions for a while. Sometimes I just have to press the pause button, and just stop it.

Don't ask me what this thinking is all about. I'm not quite sure, and it's the kind of issue you have to really analyze to see what's bothering you, and I don't want to do it, I don't want to find out what's underneath it all. Maybe I already have an idea but I just don't want to confirm it.

Anyway, for today, I'll keep focused on studying, even if it's late (9:30 PM), I'll try to save what's left of this day.

XoXo
Gaby


P.S. I forgot to mention my visit to the dentist, something I hate. So, add that to my stupid day.