This time, it was me who messed things up. It was my fault, and it was my loss, not his. And I realized it today cause a friend told me: "Hey, you totally messed up". How clear is that?

I'm so used to being the victim, being the one deserving to cheer up. I never would have known this is way more painful, the guilt is killing me. He would be so happy if he knew what I'm going through. People have hurt me before, and I would be happy to know they're suffering. It sucks, but it's true.

Today I came home and all I wanted was to sleep to "forget" about it (even though I had to study). It worked while I was asleep, but I'm back to feeling guilty and not really knowing what to do with myself. My friend's words keep repeating in my head.

I heard somewhere it was never too late (The O.C. I think), and I know that can be true but it won't do. He's hurt and if I ask for forgiveness, or even try to give an explanation...well, the brightest picture would be he won't hate me anymore, and being really really optimistic, we could be friends. He won't like me again just because I say I really didn't mean it, that it wasn't me being a mean bitch, but being really really stupid and naive. And he has almost every right, and I say almost, because it's true, I really didn't mean it, I'm just so clueless, I don't know how to act, how to behave, I'm shy and proud (a terrible combination, I've learned). I hurt him without even knowing it, without even wanting to, it was completely the opposite. I liked him, or could have liked him, so he read me all wrong. I don't blame him though.

I guess I won't do this mistake again, and I should just forget about the whole thing and forgive myself (cause he won't). I don't know if I should try to fix things, but I probably won't cause I'm afraid he'll be mean. In other words, I'm afraid of getting what I deserve, I've tortured myself enough. Would that make it worse?

XoXo
Gaby

I've found my song.

The last time I freaked out
I just kept looking down
I st-st-stuttered when you asked me what I'm thinking about
Felt like I couldn't breath
You asked what's wrong with me
My best friend Lesley said "Oh she's just being Miley"
The next time we hang out
I will redeem myself
My heart it can't rest till then
Woh woh I
I can't wait to see you again

It's "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus. Fits me perfectly these days. What do I mean by "these days"? I mean these stupid vacation days. Tomorrow I'll finally be back at school, and I'm glad, because this gives me a chance to see this guy again, and maybe be cool this time. I hope I don't ruin things as I always do. Please God, don't let me be stupid again.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. Who would have known that my song would be a Miley Cyrus song?

Ok, it seems like I've been doing stupid things lately. This time, I don't feel that guilty. I just can't believe I did it. Why does that sentence seems so familiar?

I think I mentioned before my friends and I were going out on Friday night (yesterday). And we went, it was just us girls. So what went wrong? Well... long story short: I got drunk and kissed a stranger, and one friend did the same...with the same stranger! What the hell...

The thing is, I don't feel guilty or bad because I did it, I feel bad because I've lost my good girl image. My friends always say that I'm the good girl, I'm not that good, but well, they didn't know. So, yesterday they were all shocked, and somehow I couldn't help it. So goodbye good girl.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. Remember the guy who likes me? I think I could like him, the other day we were talking and he seems nice, and he's like really appropriate. I always have the feeling that for some reason he will stop liking me though.

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Now playing: Nikki Clan - Niñas Mal

Yesterday was such and overwhelming day. I spent most of the day being stressed because of homework, things I had study, and the McDreamy-Crooked Teeth incident. In the end it all sort of worked out, well, kind of.

Ok, so... Remember the McDreamy-Crooked Teeth incident? It totally blew up in my face. Long story short: McDreamy thinks I lied about the whole thing. I thought he would be mean to me because of this, but he was "cool" about it. So it was okay. But it's not THAT okay because I didn't lie.

And the other thing... Remember my stupid perfect movie-like thing? It's everything but perfect. Turns out, that when this guy (let's call him movie guy) said that his friend liked me, he was saying the truth, it was his friend and not him. So let me tell you how it happened.

I was doing homework with Danny, and then movie guy arrives with a friend. The moment that he introduced his friend, I knew it... It was his friend and not him who liked me. Danny realized it too but she kept being annoying about it, making fun of the guy because he likes me, she made the most illogical comments... and really thought I didn't notice at all. I kept pretending I had no idea of what was going on, I really didn't know what to do, and the whole thing was embarrassing so it was the best thing I could think of.

I was so busy and stressed because of homework, that I didn't pay much attention to him. But just the idea of someone liking me that way (not knowing me), is so weird. I mean, I had never ever noticed this guy before, and he likes me? Anyway, I was a little upset because it was not the movie guy, and even more upset because the movie guy seems to like another friend. On the other side the guy that does like me seems good, he's cute, and nice.

Meanwhile, Danny told everyone (all classmates) about this guy who likes me ... that's what she calls "express gossip". Oh, and I think my friends asked them (these two guys) to go out on Friday, and they keep telling this guy that he has to go because I'm going. And even though, I love being the center of attention from time to time, I don't know what to say when my friends keep asking me if I like him, and saying he's not ugly (their words, not mine).

I know one thing, I will not tell them I'm considering it, that would really set them off. But truth is, maybe, I mean..he's cute, seems nice, and he likes me. So, we'll see.

XoXo
Gaby

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Now playing: Ashlee Simpson - Love Makes the World Go Round
via FoxyTunes

A few days ago I blogged about a movie-like encounter between me and a cute guy. Remember him? Guess what?!

A friend told me he actually likes me. Can you believe it? What if it is true? That would be even more movie-like.

This is how it went.

The other day he was talking to Danny (one of my girlfriends lately) outside the classroom, and I was there waiting for Danny to finish the talking so we could leave together for lunch. And suddenly he said: "Oh, by the way, I don't know her name (he meant me) ". Then my friend introduced us, and I smiled and said hi. And he said one of his friends liked me. I never know what to do when people say things like that, so I couldn't possibly tell you what was my reaction. So, I said nothing. It was a bit awkward.

Later that day Danny told me she had asked him who liked me, but he didn't say. And she threatened him (yeah, that's Danny), and told him that if he didn't tell her she would tell me it was him. And he was fine about it. I don't know why Danny concluded it was him who liked me. But, what if it is him? Oh, wait, but what if he's not?

If it is him, that would be movie-like perfect. Don't you think? What if that day he smiled at me he did it for the same reason I did? What if we liked each other from the very first moment? I don't know if stuff like this actually happens. It seems way too good to be true, and quite corny, so if you want to throw up after reading this post I will totally understand it.

Anyway, I know I shouldn't get my hopes high, but it's too late.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. You noticed how for once in this blog I mentioned a name? I know it's not that much, but it's somehow relieving.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but it feels good. It was just a simple thing, maybe many simple things that made this a good day. I'll just tell you one, which is enough, at least it was for me.

Today, I was part of one of those movie encounters, when the girl looks at him when his looking at her and then, they smile to each other. So nice... It made my day. Especially because it was this guy I had seen before and I thought he was really cute, and then out of nowhere it just happened. It really took me by surprise, I'm not lying.

I'll confess that there are times when I keep staring at the guy who's coming my way so he will look into my eyes and then...ta-dah! Eye contact! That never works by the way ¬¬. This time it worked so much better and it was so movie like, because it wasn't planned at all. And it wasn't even the kind of situations were you just smile to be polite, or to make the situation less uncomfortable. It just was so movie like.

Maybe this is a stupid post, but I don't really care. I'm too happy and nothing can take this away from me. =p

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. A friend knows him so I'll ask her for some kind of help, and I'll give you details tomorrow, if there are any.

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Now playing: Stacie Orrico - I Promise
via FoxyTunes

I don't know where to begin, and I don't know how to explain it without it seeming senseless.

It all started this morning as I listened to a conversation between two mean girls (they were too loud). They were talking about a guy one of them went out yesterday, and I knew it was a guy from Friday's party. A cute guy I noticed. And according to what they said, he's also sweet and nice.

Suddenly a thought kept bothering me: "Why do nice guys always go for the pretty girls?" While us the ordinary girls out of the bunch, almost ugly, are ignored almost excluded.

I don't know if this is even truth, but for all I know, that's how it is.

Seriously, why do guys who are truly good (smart, kind, funny, sweet) are with stupid, mean, dumb or plastic girls? I mean, it's like...nice guys deserve better but they choose not to. And those girls don't deserve anything at all but they're lucky because of stupid nice guys. As we, the plain ones... are ignored.

I hate guys at this point, not all of them, but the stupid nice guys who get treated like trash by mean girls. You deserve it you idiots! You chose it, so get over it and I hope I'll never get to listen one of you complain about it, because I'll say something like: "I told you so. Get over it. And stop being gay about it."

I haven't shared this with anyone so I don't know what you'll think about it. Maybe it IS stupid and I have a feeling that it is. But I don't care. I'm all about complaining at this moment, so go with it. Just kidding. Do let me know what you think about this matter.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. Reminded me of song by someone I hate: "The way she looks it makes you high. All the warning signs. Cause her blonde hair, her blue eyes. It makes you want to die. I know what she's all about I really hope you figure it out"