You probably noticed that I wasn't okay the other day. It was a bad bad day. So I went to therapy, and learned a couple of things about myself, some of those I already knew but still wasn't aware of them.

One thing I learned is that I am depressed. The fact that I'm not sad all the time doesn't mean that I'm not depressed. The fact that I never have energy to do anything, does mean that I am depressed. The therapist explained it this way: "One kind of depression is when you don't feel like doing all the things, but you still do them." Actually she explained it differently but I don't recall. Anyway, that was my kind of depression in case you're wondering.

I tend to get lost in conversations and just don't feel like listening or participating at all, that is what bothers me the most about my depression, I always have to really put an extra effort in everything I do because I just can't. And at the end of the day I'm tired for things I shouldn't. All this time I thought I was the laziest person in the world, and now I'm thinking that maybe that's not it.

My greatest concern at the moment is how to get out of this place. I don't even know why it happened to me, nothing big has happened to me, not a big loss, not a big tragedy, nothing... My life's not perfect, that's obvious, but no life is perfect, so why me? And how can I get out of here? Is it even possible? Some say therapy is the best way to solve it, while others say drugs are the only way. I kind of believe more in the second solution, but taking some weird drug can't be only good, what if after taking them I need it desperately? Actually, I already need it desperately. I just want to live. Like, really live, you know?

XoXo
Gaby

I'm tired of being alone. And I don't know if pretending I'm okay makes it worse. I just can't imagine being miserable for being alone this whole time, and letting the world know it. It's like accepting I'm incomplete and I need someone to be okay. And that's not good. Because nobody wants me, and, does that mean that I will be unhappy forever? I don't want to accept that.

People say someone will want me eventually. But it's been so long that I just can't believe it anymore.

And a thousand questions keep disturbing my mind over and over again. And when I'm by myself. It gets even worse.

Am I that boring? Am I that ugly? Why? Why don't you like me? Why don't you care? Why am I unhappy? Why do I cry? Why am I so stupid? Can I get better? Am I asking for too much? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I forget? How could I? Why did I? Why me? Will this be over someday? Will this change? Will this get better? Will I die alone? Why am I insignificant? How did it happen? Is this depression? Should I get help?

Everyone's indifference has convinced me that I'm the one who's wrong, I'm the one who's boring, I'm the one who's nothing, I'm the one who's ugly. It can't be the whole world who's wrong. It must be me.

I shouldn't be writing about this. But it was just too much, and I can't take it anymore. I want to do nothing, I want to lay in my bed forever and wait for my death to come. But I won't.

And if anyone reads this, please don't think I'm special or something. Believe me, you would know if you knew me in real life. You would know I exist, but you would choose not to care.

I wish hope was gone so I could get this over with.

XoXo
Gaby

Everything feels so weird today. I'm wondering if this will be the day that I die. I hope not, I feel like there's so many things I want to do. I'm not scared, I just don't want it to be today.

Right now I'm regretting putting off so many things... What?! Wait! Maybe I won't die. But if you don't hear for me in a while, well, you know.

Okay, this started as one of my crazy ideas and now I'm actually believing it. I don't want to die!
I didn't realize it. It's too soon. I want do do it all. I want to meet Gael García, I want to be a doctor, I want to write, and I want to know what will happen to my life. I want to know if I'm capable of achieving everything I want, and I want to know how lucky I am, and the only way of knowing that depends on meeting or not Gael. Just kidding.

Well. I hope this is just one more of my crazy ideas.

Oh my God, I was kidding the whole time, but now I'm a little bit concerned. =S

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. If I do die, please don't remember me for this last lame post.

So I FINALLY realized I have no chance. No chance at all. I can't believe it took me this long, but I'm glad it happened after all.

Yesterday was a bad bad day, but I won't tell anyone. I don't want people to know I had a bad day, because it really sucked I guess. But now I see that this bad day has been waiting to happen for so long, and now I really can get over it and say: "Next!"

Want to know what happened? Well, it was pathetic, as almost everything lately. I went out with my friends, we were supposed to have a good time, and I guess they did have a good time. But not me. I don't know why...I guess it's my boring issue again.

I had two chances to follow my heart and get out of the place. But no, I had to follow him like a fool, as if he cared at all. And after both chances I had a terrible terrible time.... okay I'm exagerating a bit, let's just say that all the time I was wishing to be home.

I wasn't in the mood to do any of the things we did. Wondering what things? Just normal stuff like jumping, drinking, talking, dancing, singing, and laughing. Argh...

Let's get back to the point. I had several reasons for not going (my eye was hurting, and some previous bad experiences under the same conditions), but NO, I had to ignore those bad signs and go following him like a stupid stupid fool.

The consequences? I had a bad time, I was totally ignored and out of place, and he...he was lying on the floor with his ex girlfriend . I'm SO stupid.

And you know, if he wants to play the ignoring game, I'll be better. Okay, he probably doesn't know he's playing with me, and that probably is because he's not playing at all....As I've said. My situation is so...and sorry for saying this word a million times...PATHETIC!

Lessons learned and mental notes:

• From now on, I should follow my heart under any circumstances
• No matter what he does I should be aware that he doesn't care at all about me
• I have no chance (not pessimistic, just realistic)
  
• I'm not a fun person, not in the regular way, and I should never forget that before taking any decision
  
• Never go into crowded places where I don't belong
  
• If I can't even see the floor because I can't wear my contact lenses, I probably shouldn't go out
  
• And never, never take decisions depending on someone who doesn't care about me at all.
  

XoXo
Gaby