Something weird and uncomfortable happened today. I have this friend, let's call him Philipp, and we're not that close but we're very fond of each other. We get along really well, we have a lot of fun together "humiliating" each other, but we are also good friends and care. So, there's this nice balance.

My friends sometimes say we like each other, or that we're going to be together someday. At some point, I started wondering if I liked him, and finally concluded I didn't. That was last year.

Today I was sitting outside of the classroom with Philipp. It was different from other times, we were really talking. We talked about school, about our future (separate futures of course), about jobs, and all sorts of things. Then, his girlfriend walked by with her friends, and they sort of implied that he was cheating on her with me, they were just kidding but it was uncomfortable. Then Danny came up and said she had a question for Philipp, I thought she had a perverted question because she was all mysterious about it, but deep inside I feared that she was going to say something about the "love triangle", and she did. Oh, how I wished to hear a perverted question at that moment. She asked: "Doesn't your girlfriend say something about you and Gaby?" He answered just the way we answer to everything: "Yes, she asks me why I compare everything with Gaby, but I just tell her that I only do that to compare her to ugly things."

See, we always call each other uglies.

But hey, is it my imagination, or he talks about me? And do people notice there's this special friendship between us? And does he like me? Do I like him? I'm so very confused. And why, why is he so good to me? He treats me different. I mean, you should see him, he waits for my mom to pick me up so I won't stay alone, and he walked me home once because it was too late and it was dark, and he noticed that I was wearing new jeans, he always asks me to pet him (yeah, I said pet), and sometimes he even says compliments even if it goes against our habitual insulting. On the other hand, when he hugs me (few times) he immediately lets go and tells me not to get excited about it, and the same goes to all compliments.There are a few times when he "hurts" me, especially when he makes clear that he doesn't like me that way, and implies that's the way I think it is, and that I'm so wrong. As if! It's no biggie though, I'm sure I've said hurtful things as well.

I don't even know what's the problem here. I do know what I want. I want a boyfriend or somehing similar to see what happens. Maybe Philipp won't care, maybe he will care but not show it, but I just have to see it. My mind is twisted sometimes, I know! That's why I only blog about it, meanwhile I pretend not to care with my friends. And I follow my "Deny it all!" policy.


XoXo
Gaby