I turned 19 this week, and became paranoid about it just yesterday. It may seem like I'm overreacting, but I feel old. No, wait, that's not the word, unsatisfied, perhaps.

Time has gone so fast, and I don't feel like I've accomplished much in these 19 years. I've done stuff, but still... There are so many things I always thought I would have done at this age, but they're still undone. Some of them I can do, but some of them are not the kind of stuff that you could blame on me. And these things are not even my personal ambitions, they are ambitions that almost every normal person this age has achieved. I feel like I'm far behind, and I don't even know what am I doing wrong, and what can I do about it. It's so frustrating, scary, and stupid. Why haven't I done all these things I should have? Will I ever do?

So, what are these things? Just things I should know, learn, change, try, do, finish. And the time is important, I always thought I had time, but I don't. I know I'm young, but let's face it, time is important. There is a time and place for everything, there are things I should have done a long time ago, and I will still do them, but it would have been easier if I would have done them from the very start.

Next year, I'll turn 20, and just the idea terrifies me, not because I'll be a year older, I'm just scared that I'll be thinking what I'm thinking right now...that my life hasn't been much, and that I still haven't done things that I should, and that I'm still the same person, and that I haven't lived the way I should have. And what scares me the most is, I won't be a teenager anymore. That chapter of my lfe will be closed, and I just want it to have all it should have.

Although last year was an important one, and I somehow grew as a person, I don't feel like my baby steps will ever catch up with the world. I shouldn't be insecure, shy, depressed, boring, lonely, useless, and dependent at this point.

XoXo
Gaby