My attempts to become the average teenager are becoming more frustrating with time. Come on, what is wrong with me?!
First of all, why on Earth do I want to become this normal person? And second, why do I think I'm so different from anyone else?...Ok, I'm usually not part of the lame crowd, but still...I'm not that different, not that original, not that authentic. Not to the point of making heads turn, not to the point of actually bothering people. So why am I making such a big fuss about being normal when I'm probably just a bit different? I guess...sometimes it would be easier to fit in perfectly. It's like I would like to shape all my peculiarities and be smooth and round as the others.
Fortunately, I have never achieved being the normal teenager. So, I'm still the weirdo...LOL. I'm being such a drama queen. As I've said, I'm pretty normal, but it doesn't seem enough.
So, why can't I just say: "Hey, you know. I'm this way, different from you, but that doesn't make me a loser, it's just the way it is, and I'm not ashamed at all."? And the truth is, I'm not ashamed of who I am, if I wanted to be other way I would, it's not that hard to go with the flow as everyone does. It's just that, when you're a minority, people make you feel like you should be ashamed, and suddenly you are.
I've never done something "just to be cool", but the "not being cool issue" still gets to me. I wish it wouldn't. I'm just stuck in the middle, I am me, and I do what I want, but I can't feel comfortable about it.
I feel a little immature writing about this, like suddenly I'm thirteen or something. Aren't all these insecurities supposed to disappear at my age? Shouldn't I be confident and comfortable with who I am? I think the problem was I saved all this, trying to deceive myself, thinking it didn't have to happen to me. Like thinking... "yeah, peer pressure is for the weak, not me". Or was it that I'd never had friends that would be so different from me?
And I've just realized... social status does matter, and it matters a lot, but at the same time it doesn't. I know it's not okay to say things like these, but it's true! Lifestyles are different, and I don't mean just material stuff, I mean it all. Anyway, I'll explain later if someone dares to disagree. Just kidding. But I will explain later because it's been this big frustrating issue lately, and I'll definitely blog about it.
XoXo
Gaby
P.S. You may be curious about what I'm really talking about, but you see, I've gotten to the point that I don't even want to mention it. Not even here, because I want people to think I'm okay with it, which I was, but now I'm not, because of what I explained before. But if you knew, I think I know what you'd say. You would say that there's nothing wrong with it, and I'm being stupid by letting it get to me. And I know I'm being stupid. Why am I giving up to all my high school ghosts? Why now?
First of all, why on Earth do I want to become this normal person? And second, why do I think I'm so different from anyone else?...Ok, I'm usually not part of the lame crowd, but still...I'm not that different, not that original, not that authentic. Not to the point of making heads turn, not to the point of actually bothering people. So why am I making such a big fuss about being normal when I'm probably just a bit different? I guess...sometimes it would be easier to fit in perfectly. It's like I would like to shape all my peculiarities and be smooth and round as the others.
Fortunately, I have never achieved being the normal teenager. So, I'm still the weirdo...LOL. I'm being such a drama queen. As I've said, I'm pretty normal, but it doesn't seem enough.
So, why can't I just say: "Hey, you know. I'm this way, different from you, but that doesn't make me a loser, it's just the way it is, and I'm not ashamed at all."? And the truth is, I'm not ashamed of who I am, if I wanted to be other way I would, it's not that hard to go with the flow as everyone does. It's just that, when you're a minority, people make you feel like you should be ashamed, and suddenly you are.
I've never done something "just to be cool", but the "not being cool issue" still gets to me. I wish it wouldn't. I'm just stuck in the middle, I am me, and I do what I want, but I can't feel comfortable about it.
I feel a little immature writing about this, like suddenly I'm thirteen or something. Aren't all these insecurities supposed to disappear at my age? Shouldn't I be confident and comfortable with who I am? I think the problem was I saved all this, trying to deceive myself, thinking it didn't have to happen to me. Like thinking... "yeah, peer pressure is for the weak, not me". Or was it that I'd never had friends that would be so different from me?
And I've just realized... social status does matter, and it matters a lot, but at the same time it doesn't. I know it's not okay to say things like these, but it's true! Lifestyles are different, and I don't mean just material stuff, I mean it all. Anyway, I'll explain later if someone dares to disagree. Just kidding. But I will explain later because it's been this big frustrating issue lately, and I'll definitely blog about it.
XoXo
Gaby
P.S. You may be curious about what I'm really talking about, but you see, I've gotten to the point that I don't even want to mention it. Not even here, because I want people to think I'm okay with it, which I was, but now I'm not, because of what I explained before. But if you knew, I think I know what you'd say. You would say that there's nothing wrong with it, and I'm being stupid by letting it get to me. And I know I'm being stupid. Why am I giving up to all my high school ghosts? Why now?
Labels: friends, high school
3 Comments:
Sometimes striving to be different is great. However your right. Social status DOES matter, especially in high school.
I definately know what your talking about. But things will change, and soon it really won't matter. Most people at school you will never see again.
:)
that is my two cents worth. lol.
I have never wanted to fit in perfectly with everybody; so long as I have close friends with whom I have trust in and can be myself around, I'm happy.
Unfortunately, there is and always will be a "social status" with anywhere you go - work, school, everywhere. My advice is to rise above it, and be yourself. You will find people who fit in with you nicely. Having a friend means you fit in somewhere! ;)
jess:
I hope things do change.
sarcastica:
that's right. =)
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