My attempts to become the average teenager are becoming more frustrating with time. Come on, what is wrong with me?!

First of all, why on Earth do I want to become this normal person? And second, why do I think I'm so different from anyone else?...Ok, I'm usually not part of the lame crowd, but still...I'm not that different, not that original, not that authentic. Not to the point of making heads turn, not to the point of actually bothering people. So why am I making such a big fuss about being normal when I'm probably just a bit different? I guess...sometimes it would be easier to fit in perfectly. It's like I would like to shape all my peculiarities and be smooth and round as the others.

Fortunately, I have never achieved being the normal teenager. So, I'm still the weirdo...LOL. I'm being such a drama queen. As I've said, I'm pretty normal, but it doesn't seem enough.

So, why can't I just say: "Hey, you know. I'm this way, different from you, but that doesn't make me a loser, it's just the way it is, and I'm not ashamed at all."? And the truth is, I'm not ashamed of who I am, if I wanted to be other way I would, it's not that hard to go with the flow as everyone does. It's just that, when you're a minority, people make you feel like you should be ashamed, and suddenly you are.

I've never done something "just to be cool", but the "not being cool issue" still gets to me. I wish it wouldn't. I'm just stuck in the middle, I am me, and I do what I want, but I can't feel comfortable about it.

I feel a little immature writing about this, like suddenly I'm thirteen or something. Aren't all these insecurities supposed to disappear at my age? Shouldn't I be confident and comfortable with who I am? I think the problem was I saved all this, trying to deceive myself, thinking it didn't have to happen to me. Like thinking... "yeah, peer pressure is for the weak, not me". Or was it that I'd never had friends that would be so different from me?

And I've just realized... social status does matter, and it matters a lot, but at the same time it doesn't. I know it's not okay to say things like these, but it's true! Lifestyles are different, and I don't mean just material stuff, I mean it all. Anyway, I'll explain later if someone dares to disagree. Just kidding. But I will explain later because it's been this big frustrating issue lately, and I'll definitely blog about it.


XoXo
Gaby


P.S. You may be curious about what I'm really talking about, but you see, I've gotten to the point that I don't even want to mention it. Not even here, because I want people to think I'm okay with it, which I was, but now I'm not, because of what I explained before. But if you knew, I think I know what you'd say. You would say that there's nothing wrong with it, and I'm being stupid by letting it get to me. And I know I'm being stupid. Why am I giving up to all my high school ghosts? Why now?

So... I did study today, but not enough to catch up with the class. I'm so left behind...as always! And today, was just as boring as yesterday, maybe even more. At least I got some stuff done (laundry and homework). But other than that, it was quite uneventful. Oh, wait, I've got an event...there's this freak who added me on MSN Messenger, and he's quite suspicious. The reason why I haven't blocked this freak is that even though he says he's a complete stranger he suspiciously knows I'm at med school, so he's not as a stranger as he says he is. As you can see...today was quite boring. I'm blogging about this freak/stalker.

XoXo
Gaby

Is my life as boring as I think it is? Or is it just me whining about it the whole time? I don't know, I feel like it's pretty much boring, even to me.

Anyway, today was nothing at all, I should have studied but I didn't. Don't worry there's no big test coming, it's just that, if I don't study everyday, it will be impossible to do so one day before the big test. And I made that mistake last year (twice), and I'm trying to change things this time. And I wonder, if I will make it. Of course I can, but will I? I guess we'll see.

Did I mention today was boring? I didn't go out or anything, actually right now, I'm thinking it was a complete waste of time to take a shower and get dressed. I don't even know if it's cold out there or not, I haven't even looked out the window. So, as you can see... complete waste of time...and clean clothes...and water...and soap...and shampoo. Ok, I think you know what I mean.

So, I should probably go now and read or something...and by reading I don't mean real meaningful reading. I mean, stupid reading...like anatomy, embryology, histology, and some other crap. Ok, don't get me wrong, I love all of my subjects, and I know they will be useful someday, but I'm really annoyed right now because of my crappy lame day, and tomorrow's Sunday, so I can't expect life to get better by tomorrow. Sundays always suck, I hate Sundays.


XoXo
Gaby

I don't really know how am I feeling today. It wasn't a bad day, yet, I'm exhausted, and that's weird because I've done nothing, perhaps all my thoughts are exhausting. Suddenly I'm worried about what people think about me, ok, I've always cared, but now it's different. It's like... I know what they may think about me, and I really don't like it, so I want to change. Don't worry it's a good change, I would never do something stupid. I just think people see me as...insignificant, like somebody else's friend. You know...

Anyway, school has been okay, I think I'll do good this year. Sometimes I realize I'm smarter than some of my classmates. Who would have known?

On a side note, I feel like I'm overreacting about something, and it's messing with my mind A LOT lately. And it doesn't make sense. What advice would I give if this was somebody else's problem? Oh, I know the solution...but I'm a coward. So stupid...

So nothing, really interesting, as you can see.

Sorry, I think blogging doesn't make sense anymore.


XoXo
Gaby

So, what do you know... I missed the party of the year. I really don't care... I mean, I'll never know what would have happened if I had attended, but... no biggie, I'm sure more parties will come, besides, no party can be called party of the year if I didn't go (yeah, sure). There are lots of gossip, ok, not lots, but just enough. My friend Danny spent the whole night with this guy she liked, and apparently the whole school noticed, and there is no way I will let her forget about it, not after how annoying she can be when it comes to my stupid drunken mistakes.

LOL. It's time for revenge. Hihihi.

Today, Friday, I'll be at school until 9 P.M. Can you believe it? Not my kind of Friday, especially when I was planning to go to the movies with my friends. Anyway, see you later guys. Go out, have fun. =)

XoXo
Gaby

I want to get the poison out of me. I've been quite a bitch lately and it's not fun anymore, it just makes me feel... not guilty, but a little upset. I've noticed I'm a really good person, ok, I used to be. I've heard my friends talk about things they have done, and things they would do. And I mean, I couldn't and I won't. I can't harm people on purpose, and even though I'm not the kind of person that goes out and helps people (I know I should), I try to understand people and I think twice before judging.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not an angel, but I've realized I can do better.

So, what I really want to do first, is to stop any negative talking or evil plans, even if people really deserve it. I mean, who am I to say they deserve it? Even if they do. Besides, I'm worried about karma. So, I'll quit being a mean girl. I don't know if that will be easy, but I know I can do it, because I used to be...not a mean girl. Hopefully I'll get back to what I was before.

See you people!

XoXo
Gaby

I turned 19 this week, and became paranoid about it just yesterday. It may seem like I'm overreacting, but I feel old. No, wait, that's not the word, unsatisfied, perhaps.

Time has gone so fast, and I don't feel like I've accomplished much in these 19 years. I've done stuff, but still... There are so many things I always thought I would have done at this age, but they're still undone. Some of them I can do, but some of them are not the kind of stuff that you could blame on me. And these things are not even my personal ambitions, they are ambitions that almost every normal person this age has achieved. I feel like I'm far behind, and I don't even know what am I doing wrong, and what can I do about it. It's so frustrating, scary, and stupid. Why haven't I done all these things I should have? Will I ever do?

So, what are these things? Just things I should know, learn, change, try, do, finish. And the time is important, I always thought I had time, but I don't. I know I'm young, but let's face it, time is important. There is a time and place for everything, there are things I should have done a long time ago, and I will still do them, but it would have been easier if I would have done them from the very start.

Next year, I'll turn 20, and just the idea terrifies me, not because I'll be a year older, I'm just scared that I'll be thinking what I'm thinking right now...that my life hasn't been much, and that I still haven't done things that I should, and that I'm still the same person, and that I haven't lived the way I should have. And what scares me the most is, I won't be a teenager anymore. That chapter of my lfe will be closed, and I just want it to have all it should have.

Although last year was an important one, and I somehow grew as a person, I don't feel like my baby steps will ever catch up with the world. I shouldn't be insecure, shy, depressed, boring, lonely, useless, and dependent at this point.

XoXo
Gaby