I haven't blogged in a while, and I was about to bore you once again with one of my lame excuses, which is not that lame, but anyway. Let's get over it.
A new thought lingers in my mind lately: "Maybe I'm not ugly." Does it sound stupid? Maybe, but it's so rare in me. I've been seeing myself as an ugly girl for years, maybe all of my life. I still remember how girls laughed at me because I was different when I was in kindergarden. I don't know if 'different' is the right way to put it, but I can't think of anything else, and I can't give details because I'm still ashamed. I shouldn't, I know. But I do. Let's just say that they laughed at me because I was not like them and I couldn't do anything about it. Does it still bother me? I'm not sure, all I know is it still hurts to remember how bad they made me feel back then. And I smile to myself everytime I think about how stupid they are now, still feeling superior because of their money, their 'good looks'...And I wonder when will they find out that it's not even important, what's important is they're SO dumb and shallow.
The latest phase of my uglyness was encouraged by major invisibility. And as the first example, I can't give that much information. The damage is still fresh. All I can say is I don't think people notice me by any means. I don't know why, maybe I'm boring, ugly, unpleasing. Probably because I'm shy. Still that doesn't explain the whole thing. And it bothers me when I'm alone with my thoughts.
So, the new me is 'not ugly'. I can't say beautiful, pretty, cute, or hot. But 'not ugly' is better than ugly. Don't you think?
I'm afraid feeling better with myself always has to come from someone other than me. So, I can't feel better by myself. I need someone to tell me: "You're not ugly" (a thousand times). "You're not dumb." "You're not mean."
Pathetic? I'm afraid so.
A new thought lingers in my mind lately: "Maybe I'm not ugly." Does it sound stupid? Maybe, but it's so rare in me. I've been seeing myself as an ugly girl for years, maybe all of my life. I still remember how girls laughed at me because I was different when I was in kindergarden. I don't know if 'different' is the right way to put it, but I can't think of anything else, and I can't give details because I'm still ashamed. I shouldn't, I know. But I do. Let's just say that they laughed at me because I was not like them and I couldn't do anything about it. Does it still bother me? I'm not sure, all I know is it still hurts to remember how bad they made me feel back then. And I smile to myself everytime I think about how stupid they are now, still feeling superior because of their money, their 'good looks'...And I wonder when will they find out that it's not even important, what's important is they're SO dumb and shallow.
The latest phase of my uglyness was encouraged by major invisibility. And as the first example, I can't give that much information. The damage is still fresh. All I can say is I don't think people notice me by any means. I don't know why, maybe I'm boring, ugly, unpleasing. Probably because I'm shy. Still that doesn't explain the whole thing. And it bothers me when I'm alone with my thoughts.
So, the new me is 'not ugly'. I can't say beautiful, pretty, cute, or hot. But 'not ugly' is better than ugly. Don't you think?
I'm afraid feeling better with myself always has to come from someone other than me. So, I can't feel better by myself. I need someone to tell me: "You're not ugly" (a thousand times). "You're not dumb." "You're not mean."
Pathetic? I'm afraid so.
XoXo
Gaby
Gaby
5 Comments:
Hi Gaby, like your site. The design is especially appealing - the colors really grab you and I like the fading effect. Glad to have you "on board" at Observing Hermann. Take care.
Hi, I really love your blog it's really awesome. Was wondering if you would like to add it to my directory? http://www.weblog-index.com/
Thanks, Shelly
God, I'm 21 and it took a few guys hitting on me yesterday to look in the mirror and think that maybe I wasn't completely plain.
I can completely emphathize. I've always struggled with my looks, with the feeling of invisibility. Sometimes, we just need reassurance from others we're loved.
You'd be surprised how many girls feel like you, including many who you'd think are attractive. Our society teaches women to be self-loathing about their image. Here's something I was just reading the other day that you might want to check out: http://pandagon.net/2007/03/14/if-i-hate-my-ass-enough-will-you-love-me/
And otherwise, I've continued to write more poetry. You can check it out in my blog or now you can see them here: http://www.writerscafe.org/profile/wilbjammin/
I hope you continue on the path to be more accepting of yourself, particularly because the reasons that you've felt bad about yourself isn't because you're just naturally ugly... its because society has taught you (and all girls) to be much too self-critical.
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