I'm not feeling really good. I wish this could end. I'm not sure of what would be the extension of "this".
I'm sick of being me. I'm guessing it's something that happens.
I feel like I'm so different from everyone surrounding me, I wish I could change my environment, so I could finally fit in. Or maybe, I could just try fitting in myself... It's too hard. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be that way.
I want to do something about things that I'm not happy with. But there's things I can't change. There's no escape.
There are ways in which I just don't fit in. And what I hate the most, is people noticing it, and feeling sorry for me.
You see, here, where I live everyone, well almost everyone belongs to a traditional family. And I only have my mom. Don't get me wrong, my mom is great. But there are events (such as graduation party) where both parents are required, and I have just one, and there's some sort of awkwardness. And some pity. When a father-daughter moment arrives I'll be self- conscious hoping nobody notices, maybe nobody does. But if someone does, well it's not the first time it happens.
As if going solo wasn't enough trouble...I wish I didn't care. It's not that easy.
That and the fear of being confused and depressed on that day is my worst fear concerning graduation. I'll keep pretending I don't care, because nobody knows.
I still have hope that the graduation party won't be anything like I expect it to be, so that everything that I fear won't happen and that everything I want and expect is even better.
I'm sick of being me. I'm guessing it's something that happens.
I feel like I'm so different from everyone surrounding me, I wish I could change my environment, so I could finally fit in. Or maybe, I could just try fitting in myself... It's too hard. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be that way.
I want to do something about things that I'm not happy with. But there's things I can't change. There's no escape.
There are ways in which I just don't fit in. And what I hate the most, is people noticing it, and feeling sorry for me.
You see, here, where I live everyone, well almost everyone belongs to a traditional family. And I only have my mom. Don't get me wrong, my mom is great. But there are events (such as graduation party) where both parents are required, and I have just one, and there's some sort of awkwardness. And some pity. When a father-daughter moment arrives I'll be self- conscious hoping nobody notices, maybe nobody does. But if someone does, well it's not the first time it happens.
As if going solo wasn't enough trouble...I wish I didn't care. It's not that easy.
That and the fear of being confused and depressed on that day is my worst fear concerning graduation. I'll keep pretending I don't care, because nobody knows.
I still have hope that the graduation party won't be anything like I expect it to be, so that everything that I fear won't happen and that everything I want and expect is even better.
XoXo
Gaby
Gaby
6 Comments:
There are lots and lots of people with only only parent around. Some even live with a grandparent. Look around a little more. Every family has its strangenesses, believe me.
I know it sounds trite, but all of this will make more sense to you when you are older. None of us really "fit in" - so build around who you are and who you want to become. It's not an absolute - there are all kinds of different kinds of connections in your world. Think on the positive things that make you unique, the things about you that other people love (and they do) - and focus on the things about other people that you can observe, value and respect.
These are tough years, but you are building who you are with every action that you take, every habit of thinking, every movement toward (or away from) kindness and caring.
Stick to what is valuable, and live with flair! The way you navigate difficult situations helps you to tolerate complexity, and (as awful as it can be) helps you to grow and mature into the wise woman that you are becoming.
As Heidi said before me, it isn't uncomon to only have one parent. You shouldn't feel awkward about it. Around here, its rare to have parents still together.
I remember being at that stage in my life where I HATED everything because it felt so boring and pointless. I started volunteering at a recreational group for adults with developmental problems, and it put a lot of things into perspective for me. It gave me something fun to do and I made a lot of new friends and met new people. I changed my surroundings that way and I have to say I have less bad days and I'm more happy with myself now then I was. I feel like I'm doing something worth while.
Do you think you could try something like that? Nothing makes you feel better then helping someone else!
I don't quite know what to say to you, being in sort of the same situation myself (while I do have both my parents, I NEVER fit in with ANY of the groups I've come to know and befriend).
I do know however it gets better. High school was hell in a place where you were instantly judged for whatever stupid faults you were perceived to have. In college, trust me, people are more mature.
*hug*
Hi gaby,
cheer up girl..don't be so sad..what you feel is just a part of your human nature. don't think of what you possess. instead be grateful and happy with what you have. always remember that in this life you can't have it all.
i have a father but i don't grew up with him. for me he's only a biological one and it seems that we are not connected or attached to each other.
take care always....i hope you still remember me... :D
So, here's the thing. I lost my parents when I was seven. A long time friend of my family stepped in and finished the job of raising me. By himself. Along with the help of some of his ex-Navy SEAL buddies, but he mostly did it himself. And truly, I think he did a great job. There were periods of adjustment, but he made me feel safe, loved, cared-for. It's what I've known for, like, ever, so it doesn't seem all that untraditional to me.
Just think about how those kids feel who are being raised by a gay couple. That's untraditional to me, but who cares as long they're loved, y'know?
heidi, thanks for that. I'd like to tell you that I'm feeling better now, but I'm still mortified.
miss misery, the thing is, it is uncommon here. Not that uncommon, but we're definitely a minority. So, it's not that nice, not that nice at all. But what can I do... I just want to get this over with to see if it is as bad as I think it will be or not.
Thanks for the advice, I'll definitely try it as soon as school is over.
mordant coffe, I have hope that things will change once high school is over.
hannah, I'm grateful for what I have, I just dread that moment. I can't help it.
mattie black hawk, well yes, I feel great when I'm home but when I have to be in this small town's society everything's different.
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