I hear the phone ringing, and I wish it's not for me. I don't feel like talking to anyone, I don't feel like explaining something I don't understand. I don't want to explain, why I don't feel like going anywhere. And I don't want to hear again the questions: Why are you so quiet? Are you bored? Are you sleepy? Are you okay? I'm just sad! But I won't say.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I know there's something wrong.

This one question in my mind: Why can't I be happy?

XoXo
Gaby

Oh, and I don't know. I don't know what he's after. But he's so beautiful, such a beautiful disaster.

Yes, that's "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson. I was just listening to it and realized that this part described my day a little. It's ridiculous how it describes it, but it doesn't matter. Life is ridiculous.

Anyways, it's about Mr. Charming Voice, I've blogged about him before, and I'm doing it again. So what?!

This time, he called my name. He even called me Gaby, not the weird name everyone calls me (first name I hate). Just yesterday I was telling a friend that I didn't want to graduate without him knowing my name. So, I guess now I can happily graduate.

After calling my name. He asked me if I had the invitation to the party he had given me yesterday. Just yesterday, the invitation made everyone wonder about this. I mean, we never go to those preppy things, so why did they bother to invite us? Oh, yeah. They invited everyone.

Well, after he asked me that, I thought about it. I was still in shock because he knew my name. Finally I answered I had left it at home (was true). Actually I had planned to paste it on my diary, and write something like...

Dear diary:

Today, he made me feel special...

LOL, just kidding. But I was also kidding about that, yesterday. As you can see, it was quite weird, and topic of various conversations.

Ok, returning to the main idea. He said: "Well, can you give me back the invitation tomorrow?" I just answered: "Sure..."

But what? What does he want? It's so weird and it's driving me crazy. I can't find any explanation to this, well I can. But all the ideas I have are of bad things. Like, a bad joke, or I don't know. Is he going to uninvite me? I wasn't thinking of going to the party, but still, it's not very nice to uninvite me. And, how can he know if I want to go or not? Is it that obvios? Why me?

But wait. He knows my name. That's all he had to do, and he did it. I don't even know why I care, I don't even like him. I just like his voice, and he made me feel special when he used his voice and called my name.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow, I just hope something does happen. Good or bad. I don't want the day to go by, and end up blogging about how nothing really happened, and how I have no answers to my questions.

I promise you, I'll get answers, and blog tomorrow.

By the way, if this whole post sounded stupid, naive, and shallow. I know it is, but still it was fun.

XoXo
Gaby

I'm starting to see things as they are. My crush is no longer cute. Ok, he's still cute, but he's SO STUPID. I'm more embarassed by what he says in every single class than he is. I don't know if he does it on purpose or if that's just him, but either way, that's not really smart.

About my ex-best friend, I don't know if she's good or bad, so I'll just put her in the bad category, just in case. I don't want to see a real friend in someone who's not AGAIN.

I'm also starting to think about my future in a colder way. I have to think about what's really possible.

It sounds pessimistic, but that's me always. The optimistic point of view seems stupid (that's just my opinion). I mean, let's be realistic. I'm okay with the dreaming part, but when it comes to decisions, and actions I have to be pessimistic. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

So, this is real.

My crush---> impossible
My ex- best friend----> probably a bitch
My future----> anything I choose will be too hard for me.

It doesn't mean I won't try. It just means that I know how things really are.

* * *

I turned 18 years old, and I still feel like nothing special. Only one more person in this world, but I'm all I have.

XoXo
Gaby

I've mentioned before I love certain writing styles, and my new renter Bluepanther was chosen because of this. I don't know his real name, I'm guessing Bluepanther is not. I read his posts when I vote in the Battle of the Blogs and I always like what I get to read. Now that he's my renter and is right there in the sidebar I'll remember to check out his blog and read what's new. I've just read his last post and I've learned a few things. Did you know some centuries ago a person could hardly meet 200 people in his entire life? And now thanks to the different ways of travelling we can go to different far away places and meet all kinds of people all over the world. Want to know more? Go, visit, and comment. =)

* * *

Today was my second day at school. I'm not sure how to describe it. The dreaded french class went way better than I expected, I'll summarize it like this: good french teacher, nice classroom, my unexpected lovely dummie crush, and no idiots. Ok, there are some mean girls, but other than that it is quite good, and I've learned to live with them, so it's alright, and now I have my friends with me.

Ok, here comes the crappy thing about today.

I went to my ex best friend's house because a friend was going to. We started talking and I couldn't help being nice, I'm so used to pretending everything's okay when it's not in my daily life that now I can't stop it. So, we were talking and there were like a thousand things I didn't know about her life lately but I didn't even asked or payed attention. She doesn't deserve it! Does she care about my life?! No, she doesn't! So, I just kept being indifferent, always nice though. When I found that the other day when she invited me to go to her house, she only called me because she couldn't invite anyone else. I almost said: "Oh, so that's why you invited me! " It scared me how it was going to come out of my mouth, just like that, without even going through my brain. I was actually going to do what a bitch would, I was just about to say what I really think. Maybe I'm one step closer to being a real bitch.

I arrived home, and as always ended up my pretending and realized I was really really really upset. And I couldn't share it with anyone, so here I am blogging about this and thinking about the things I would like to say.

Don't expect to find a best friend in me. I'm sick of being ignored and neglected by you. I stopped caring about you the day I realized you've never cared. And you must know that you'll get from me exactly what I've received from you. You'll see, it's nothing like friendship. I feel so stupid for seeing a true best friend in someone like you.

I'll never say this, not in this clear strong way. When I finally say it I'll be probably crying, yelling, or dying. In a way I want some passive agressive revenge first. I know it's bad, but I want it so badly.

By the way, I think I didn't describe correctly the bitch I want to be someday in the previous post. I don't want to be mean, I'm just tired of everyone treating me like trash, taking me for granted, and thinking everything's okay. I want to speak what's on my mind, and I want to be heard, and it just seems so hard. Just yesterday a stupid kid I HATE yelled my name as if he had just seen a monster, and I came home and looked at myself in the mirror, and considered that maybe he really was surprised of how ugly I looked, that maybe he was right. And I know it's stupid to think it because he's an idiot, he will always say mean things, and I just wish I could have respond saying something like: "Marica adoptado". Those two words would have shut him up forever. I know there's nothing wrong with being that, but I know he's insecure about it. And maybe you don't understand what "marica adoptado" means because it's Spanish, but I don't want to translate it, it's too mean.

XoXo
Gaby

Really, why can't I be a bitch? After my last post, I kept repeating to myself: "Really, why can't I?" I've read "Getting in Touch With Your Inner Bitch" by Elizabeth Hilts, I know the basics. I can do it. How hard can it be? Bitches do it all the time.

Okay. Who am I fooling?! It's hard to be a bitch when you're someone like me, shy, self-conscious, sweet, insecure, and non-bitchy. But it can't be impossible. Can it? I know it won't be easy, but I'll work hard to get there. That's my goal, I didn't have one, and now I do. How cool is that?

All bitches out there, come share any tips and knowledge with me, it would really help me.

And now, some inspiring words by Madonna from the back cover of "Getting In Touch With Your Inner Bitch"

I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.

On a side note, my dead ex-best friend called. Turns out, the only time she called me in all Christmas break, was one of the few times I had a plan. A few months before I would have cancelled my plan, but not now. I'm a bitch now. Ok, that was not bitchy. I just didn't feel guilty about it, or cancellled my plans for someone who probably only called because nobody else was available. So, I'm proud of myself.

XoXo
Gaby

A friend called yesterday, the only friend who cares enough to call. She calls me every now and then to chat a little, which usually extends to a long conversation. Anyway, she called to tell me the great news. She'll be with me in french class, a class I hate (I hate everyone in it). But maybe I won't hate it as much now that I will have some good company. It was totally unexpected, and I was super happy.

Then, as always, we talked for a long time. It felt like an hour, but I really don't know. In the middle of somewhere she started laughing, I didn't understand why. And she said that someone had told her a funny story. As everyone, I love funny stories, so I wanted to know. For some reason she didn't want to tell. She didn't say: "I can't tell you" or something, but I could sense she was hesitating, and thinking it wouldn't be such a good idea. In the end, she did tell me, and I realized why she didn't want to, and she was right, it wasn't nice to listen it. It was nothing I didn't know, it was something I knew but didn't like remembering.

She started slowly with: "I don't know if you knew but for New Year's Eve everyone went to ___'s place"

In my mind: Of course I didn't know, I literally didn't do ANYTHING in New Year's Eve!

I tried to be cool, and just said: "Oh, I didn't know...Who went?"

She said: "Well..._,__;__,___,___...."

I was SHOCKED.

Pretending I didn't care, I ended saying: "Oh, I see. So what did you do for New Year's Eve?"

She answered: "I went with my aunt, it was horrible..."

We continued talking about various topics.


After hanging up the phone, I came back to reality, where I was shocked, and did care. You wonder why? Let's see. When she mentioned all the people who went, I knew who would be there, and didn't really care. There's no connection between me and them, so I wasn't expecting an invitation. But she said the name of my best friend, now ex-best friend, she's dead to me (I added an extra drama there). What I'm trying to say is: What the fuck?! I didn't expect anything from them, but her... I considered her my friend but I guessed I was confused because she is nothing like a friend.

I think I've found her meaning of friendship. Everything makes sense. Long story short: now that she doesn't need me, she doesn't care about me as a friend. The friend I thought I had would prefer spending New Year's Eve with me, doing something different. But I guess that was so wrong. And I've made this whole statement because it's not the first time. I've just had enough. After all, doesn't a friend call or at least returns your calls?

So, what do you do when someone you believe is your best friend is not?

And I'm left wondering, is there such a thing like a friend. And by this I don't mean a perfect friend. I mean someone who doesn't use me, or treat me like crap and betrays me, or is really really mean, or gets new friends and doesn't care about me anymore. All of these have been past experiences (all dead ex-best friends). Now you know why I doubt real friendship exists.

I can't believe I'm saying this but, why can't I be a bitch like everyone else around me?! I feel stupid.

By the way, if you're wondering what the hell is __,___,___. There's a simple explanation. I don't like blogging with names, it feels weird, so I replace it with nothing.

XoXo
Gaby

Things will happen this 2007. I'll be eighteen by January (not very excited about it), I'll graduate from high school by May, and I'll go to college by August. At least that's what I have planned. Who knows what will really happen. Athough I'm not expecting anything extraordinary this year, I'm hoping something good happens, something like winning the lottery, just kidding. I want so many things, and I want at least one of them to happen, but I guess we'll see.

I'm so scared and anxious about my future most of the time. It doesn't feel like living anymore, but there's always nice moments when I get to dream about a lovely future. And that's what keeps me here.

In a week I'll go back to school. It seems like such an easy little thing to do. But just the thought is terrifying and overwhelming. New subjects, new classmates, same stupid preps thinking they're the coolest people ever and stepping on everyone else who's different to feel better with themselves and their stupid insecurities. Ok, so I hate preps. I'll get rid of them this year, hopefully...

XoXo
Gaby