This time, it was me who messed things up. It was my fault, and it was my loss, not his. And I realized it today cause a friend told me: "Hey, you totally messed up". How clear is that?

I'm so used to being the victim, being the one deserving to cheer up. I never would have known this is way more painful, the guilt is killing me. He would be so happy if he knew what I'm going through. People have hurt me before, and I would be happy to know they're suffering. It sucks, but it's true.

Today I came home and all I wanted was to sleep to "forget" about it (even though I had to study). It worked while I was asleep, but I'm back to feeling guilty and not really knowing what to do with myself. My friend's words keep repeating in my head.

I heard somewhere it was never too late (The O.C. I think), and I know that can be true but it won't do. He's hurt and if I ask for forgiveness, or even try to give an explanation...well, the brightest picture would be he won't hate me anymore, and being really really optimistic, we could be friends. He won't like me again just because I say I really didn't mean it, that it wasn't me being a mean bitch, but being really really stupid and naive. And he has almost every right, and I say almost, because it's true, I really didn't mean it, I'm just so clueless, I don't know how to act, how to behave, I'm shy and proud (a terrible combination, I've learned). I hurt him without even knowing it, without even wanting to, it was completely the opposite. I liked him, or could have liked him, so he read me all wrong. I don't blame him though.

I guess I won't do this mistake again, and I should just forget about the whole thing and forgive myself (cause he won't). I don't know if I should try to fix things, but I probably won't cause I'm afraid he'll be mean. In other words, I'm afraid of getting what I deserve, I've tortured myself enough. Would that make it worse?

XoXo
Gaby

I don't know why am I having such a hard time lately, it's stupid how things get to me and make me miserable. My boring life is killing me, life shouldn't be that way, I mean...boring. I feel like it's all being a complete waste. Why not die already? Okay, I exaggerated a little, but sometimes I do feel like that. Some days are tough, I can't even manage to get through them decently.

The fact that I'm not a social person and my friends are is kind of weird/uncomfortable, and I'm even thinking I should get over my Daria/Emily the Strange phase. Could that be possible? I'll try, I guess.

I'm no longer wondering if there's something wrong with me. I know there's something wrong with me. I just don't know what it is. People don't get me for some reason. I'm not saying I'm so misunderstood. I'm just saying, I don't blend that well with people, and now it's bothering me.

Anyway, I should get going and study or something.

XoXo

Gaby

Yesterday I watched "Casi Divas" one of the funniest movies ever. I highly recommend it, I don't know what's the title in English, my guess would be "Almost Divas". Anyway, this movie's about four girls that want to become the next Maria Enamorada, a famous character from a soap opera. So, there's this huge casting, and girls from all Mexico participate.

In the movie they follow closely the lives of these four very different girls. It's interesting to see how the four of them have good reasons for wanting the part, and how different their problems are. You really get to know the girls, they're flaws and virtues. The characters also deal with many problems that do exist in Mexico, like racism, anorexia, and the violence against women. It was a very funny movie, but at the same time deep.

XoXo
Gaby

Remember Big Loser? Turns out I am the loser. I'm okay now but Friday night was tough. I found out he's actually interested in the girl I saw him with. I don't know then, why he called me, but I'm asuming that he did it because he's tremendously stupid and a perfect idiot as I had said once.

I felt so stupid, can you imagine it? I had to pretend I didn't care, but I could feel my stomach filling up with something that wanted to escape in the form of tears. I wanted to cry, not because I was sad, but because I was angry, frustrated, and little bit hurt. But no longer confused. Obviously. But I didn't cry, I couldn't, it wasn't bad enough.

I'm glad I found out, it would have been stupid to keep thinking about him while he was interested in some other girl. Actually, I'm really amazed by how I'm feeling right now, relieved, and fine. Still, it wouldn't hurt for a friend to tell me that I'm way better than that girl. She isn't a bad person, and she's not ugly (that's what bothers me). I don't find her pretty, but guys have some weird taste sometimes. Anyway, the fact that he isn't cute or hot, helped a lot. He's a capricorn though, but he smokes, so....whatever. Everything happens for a reason, right? Wow, did I mention I'm amazed by how well I took it?

What has changed? Less pride left? Pride stronger than ever? LOL

I secretly wish that she doesn't go out with him, not to have him for myself, but for him to have none. Hihihi. He's not a bad person, but he's like any other guy as I said before.

XoXo
Gaby


P.S. I know I'm not a loser, but I felt like one, after seeing the huge difference between my previous post and the reality. Tough reality.

The guy sucks. He's just like any other guy, wanting to feel better with himself making me miserable. A detailed story would be obnoxious, so I'll say it like this: he tried to make me jealous and I fell for it (stupid me) and he noticed, and he loved it, I know he did, and then he tried to let me know that he was still available so I could keep liking him. As if! What an idiot!

I don't know what to do, I want to win in his game. I'll have to be better than him. But how? I'll go ahead and ignore him and show him that he's not important to me, and that I deserve so much better, and that I can have so much better.

My stomach weirdness is gone, but I was nervous all afternoon until I talked with some friends who gave me some advice and made me feel better.

I' m just so angry, I thought he was nice, but he's just a perfect idiot, and I fell for it, that's the worst part.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. Today I visited my high school and it was okay, nothing special actually, as if I never left.

Remember me asking God to not let me be stupid today? Well, he let me. I saw him today (the guy, not God). Long story short: I think I did say hi. Things were sort of awkward because of me (obviously). Anyway, tomorrow's another day.

In other news.

I can't believe I'm letting stupid little high school things bug me. Friends sometimes bring you down without even noticing, you know. I've never cared about popularity, I even sort of liked being unpopular in high school. It's just that Danny is obsessed with popularity, she's more popular than me, and I really don't care, I didn't care at high school, I won't care now. But she cares and it just bugs me. Just the thought that she might think that I care like she does, bugs me. This and other of Danny's high school's concerns BUG ME. I feel things that I never even felt in high school, cliché things, I won't blog much about it cause I feel like damned Lizzie McGuire, and she wasn't even in high school. Where does that leave me?

XoXo
Gaby

I've found my song.

The last time I freaked out
I just kept looking down
I st-st-stuttered when you asked me what I'm thinking about
Felt like I couldn't breath
You asked what's wrong with me
My best friend Lesley said "Oh she's just being Miley"
The next time we hang out
I will redeem myself
My heart it can't rest till then
Woh woh I
I can't wait to see you again

It's "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus. Fits me perfectly these days. What do I mean by "these days"? I mean these stupid vacation days. Tomorrow I'll finally be back at school, and I'm glad, because this gives me a chance to see this guy again, and maybe be cool this time. I hope I don't ruin things as I always do. Please God, don't let me be stupid again.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. Who would have known that my song would be a Miley Cyrus song?