I wish I could give you some interesting updates my fellow readers, but they're basically the following:


*I'm oficially on vacation, just one week so I better not get too excited about it. What will I do with my super one week vacation? Let me think about it. I would like to go the beach, but I won't. I would like to go shopping, but I won't. Oh well, I'll be okay. At least I won't be at school. But now that I think about it, I miss it a little. You know, seeing my classmates.

*I've been trying to clean up my bedroom. I'm getting rid of everything I don't need. Hopefully I'll get rid of mostly everything. I know I won't miss it. And less things in my bedroom will make things easier.

*My weekend was not as boring as I thought it would be. I ended up with two potential plans for Saturday, and one surprising plan yesterday.

*I bought white and pink earrings in an attempt to be less tomboyish... I think I'll need more than that though. I should stop wearing the "it sucks here, it sucks there, but more than anything, it sucks to be you" t-shirt.

*I've been enjoying "The Hills". Somehow I feel like Lauren, betrayed by "best friends".

*Oh, and I forgot to mention it before, but you can now subscribe in a reader to my blog. Just click on the "subscribe in a reader" thing. Duh. That was unnecessary I hope.


Bottom line: No good news. No bad news. Could be worse. My life story.

XoXo
Gaby

Remember yesterday's depressing letter? I chickened out and deleted one or two paragraphs. Yesterday was one of my awful days, but today I feel better. So I replaced those paragraphs with some cheery sentences. So lame... Anyways, maybe I'll tell her later about that issue.

Meanwhile I'll be busy writing two more letters to my new found pen pals: Amelia and Ivan. I still need Ivan's mailing address though.


I guess that's it for today. Not much going on.

Yet another Friday night home alone.

XoXo
Gaby

I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. I could make a thousand excuses but I know it's depression talking. Sometimes I like to think it left without me noticing. But then it returns and reminds me, that just doesn't happen. Does it?

As I'm writing to my friend from Taiwan, I tell her about my life for the last three years. And realize it was nothing. I want to write about light things but I can't help writing about my "miserable existence". Sorry about that, it's me being a drama queen.

Oh, how I hate my shyness, and how I hate my pride, how I hate everything that’s wrong with me. And how I wish I had something to compensate the messed things about me.

If only you knew how life has changed. I’m so miserable, and I can’t believe it happened to me. How did I become this? When will it be over? Will it be over?

Maybe I shouldn't write this way. But at this point I really don't care if it's inappropriate, disturbing or weird. It is what it is.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. I hate the word depression, is that just me?

A couple of days ago a nice thing happened, a nice surprise. I was online (as always) and I saw an old friend was online as well. And she's never online! Believe me, I would know, I'm always online. So, I said hi, but didn't get an answer. So I waited... and waited, meanwhile I checked my emails, read blogs, and I think I even blogged. It was a lot of time. I thought she would never answer so I forgot about it, and suddenly she did answer. I was so happy to hear from her after four years of knowing nothing about her.

She lives in Taiwan but I met her at Austin, Texas. And of all the friends I had there she's the only one I know of. We started remembering the good times when we were fourteen. And we started chatting about our current lives. I was really happy. Though a little sad about my other "lost friends".

This is one of the things I like the most in life. To talk again to people that I still like but for some reason I haven't known about them for years. It is such a good feeling. At least for me. Then I try keeping in touch, and I don't care if I'm the one who has to give the first step and call, or invite, or whatever. I think it's worth it.

Anyways, she gave me her address and asked for mine. So I'll send her a letter via snail mail and receiving one from her. That should be fun, I love writing letters, and the thought of getting a letter from Taiwan is quite exciting.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. Anyone else wants to be my pen pal? I'm not kidding.

Today was full of crap but I won't blog about it. Too much happened. I thought this was going to be a good day, I planned it a year ago. I thought that just when the last Harry Potter book came out I would run to buy it, I would stay home, and read it happily. It somehow happened, I did run to buy it in the morning, and I did read happily until I reached page 131. Then I stopped. I had a phone call. Bad news. Really bad news, not for me, but for a friend and I was really concerned about her. I called another friend to tell her the bad news, just to find the girls had fun without me AGAIN yesterday. Yesterday that I spent the night home alone.

Oh, wait. I said I didn't want to blog about it. So now, let's move on.

After all this crap, another friend called and invited me to the first anime reunion held here, which, just so you know, is called Otaku-Fest. And there was also a Cosplay contest, where kids wear costumes of their favorite anime characters. Otaku-Fest and Cosplay, are words recently learned. See, I'm not a big fan of anime, I don't think I'm even a fan. Bottom line: I barely know what anime is. I just went because my friend invited me, and I was curious. Really curious.

The event, (even though I missed most of it because I was late) fulfilled my expectations. I went to watch a different, unknown world, and that's what I found. They had a karaoke thing and there were kids dancing and singing. I had some questions, and I still have them. What's that song? Where did they get the choreography from? Why do they know the lyrics? Why do they do that? Why do they do that in front of people? Do they know they're not normal? LOL

Don't get me wrong, normal sucks, not normal rocks.

It was fun, disturbing at first though. I remembered some anime I liked when I was little. Here are some. You may recognize some of them.

Mikan, a really clever cat. Not very famous though.

Charlotte of the Young Grass, not very famous either.

Tonde Buurin, I L O V E D it.

Sailor Moon, I used to pretend I was Serena. LOL

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. I may become addicted to this anime thing. I'm weak with these things you know. Next thing you know I'll be choosing a costume for the next contest.

My first medical experience was...

At first I didn't want to go, I was a afraid of failing. But then I realized I will have many bigger challenges throughout my seven years in medical school. So I went to the hospital, and I learned some things, but I just couldn't really do it. It's hard! LOL

I was a little upset and embarrassed because most could do what I never could. I didn't get to the point of thinking of dropping out, but I was wondering if maybe medicine wasn't my thing.

After thinking and worrying, I decided to get over it and do something about it, instead of thinking about it on and on. So I analyzed the problem, and found the solution, which isn't that complicated.

I'll buy my own instruments so I can practice at home with my family. They will be my victims for now, and I know they'll probably suffer. I got to be the victim (for my classmates) twice and it hurt for an hour, well maybe I'm just a drama queen. LOL. But after practicing for a while I should be quite good.

So, what I'm trying to say in this post is, challenges have started, and even though this was a little one, I liked the way I did things. And I hope I can do the same with all problems. I just don't want to fall in self pity.

I really want to make it.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. Some updates...

• I'm staying.

It sucks a little, but it's for the best. It's a good decision.

I'm glad the decision isn't only mine. I would be stupid enough to follow him wherever he goes. Even though he doens't care.

Bottom line: He will leave and I will stay. But it's fine. He's not important anymore.

Actually I don't know if I'll stay or leave now that I got into both schools. I think I'll be okay both ways. It's weird how it makes much more sense to stay. It's easier for me. It's better. But I still worry about my future. What will happen when I graduate? What education will be better? Will it be easier to cope here? Will it be hell staying?

On a side note, tomorrow I'll have my first medical experience. I will measure some patients' blood pressure.

XoXo
Gaby

This chapter ends as you leave,
And I stare at my empty hands,
Already missing what never was,
But oh, it's finally over.

I will move on from nothingness,
And maybe get a life I deserve.
Always thought I'd have you someday,
Now at least I'll know.

Endless nights, breathless days
Always me, and never you.
Time flew by and now it's gone.
Wasted time left me tainted.

My crippled heart feeling so sure,
"Will never love someone like you"
But my mind softly speaks to me:
"It was never meant to be"

Hopes and fears slowly blending,
Uncertain future waits ahead,
Finally I'll be set free to live,
But without you it may never be.

I realized he will be out of my life soon. He will be far away from here, actually not that far, but enough to get over it. Finally... Sad somehow. I didn't give more details because I felt like it would ruin the mission of the poem. LOL. I'm crazy. Maybe I'll blog about it tomorrow.

XoXo
Gaby

Yesterday's breakdown turned into today's "Oh my God I can't believe I did that!"

And...Oh my God I can't believe I did that. Nothing to die for, but I'm a little embarrassed. Let's just say I've lost my "good girl" image with my new classmates. And even though I'm not the good girl anymore, I'm not the bad girl either, I'm a lame bad girl. And that is s t u p i d.

Don't worry, as I said, nothing to die for. It will pass. And it's nothing I truly regret. I really needed alcohol that night and the consequences weren't as bad as they could have been. So it's okay.

Stupid alcohol... Maybe I should stop.

XoXo
Gaby

Yesterday's "strength" turned into today's breakdown.

I'm stuck here for seven more years. And it feels like there's no hope. Before, I would hold back and think "it's okay, I'll be leaving one of these days". But not now, I can't wait anymore.

I don't want to stay and be like everyone else here, I hate people here. I don't want to go with the flow, but in seven years I will. It's just something you don't notice, and unconsciously you can't resist.

Eighteen years living here and I'm already like them, and in seven years I'll be doomed. You might think it can't be that bad. Maybe you're right.

I'm afraid of turning into what I hate the most. And I don't think it's possible to fight against it for so long, I would die trying. I'm already dying, so I might as well give up, go with flow and continue living.

I don't give a damn anymore.

XoXo
Gaby

Today was bad news but somehow I managed to be okay. It's so weird when this happens, I should be crying, complaining, and screaming. But no. I'm looking on the brightside.

I'll be stuck in this stupid suffocating place for at least seven years, and there's nothing I can do about it. I haven't received news from the other school, but that's not the problem. I won't go even if I get in. There's no money to study out of state, so I guess that means I'll stay here for what it seems forever.

How can I be okay?

I probably knew it all along. And I'm still thinking it will get better, and I'm thinking it won't be that bad. What a fool... the same old story over again.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. Believe me, there is a brightside... A stupid brightside.

I bought Avril Lavigne's "The Best Damn Thing" CD a while ago. Being an Avril fan for a while and knowing all of her songs, I felt this last CD took her back to her first One ("Let Go"), it didn't feel more mature. With songs like Girlfriend, The Best Damn Thing and Everything Back but You, the only mature songs I could find were Innocence, Keep Holding On and When You're Gone. This would be fine if it was her first CD, but after listening to "Under My Skin" it just wasn't what I was expecting.

Despite this I listened to the whole album a few times, until I liked it and after that, I sang along. I woke up all mornings and put the CD and it really worked for me. That was before I found out she steals songs.

As PerezHilton.com pointed out earlier, a good portion of Avril’s song I Don’t Have To Try off her new album sounds almost identical to the song I'm the Kinda by electro-pop-punk princess Peaches - off her brazilliant 2003 album Fatherfucker.

I watched the video and listened to both songs...they felt like the same. What I hate the most is she claims to be a songwriter, an authentic artist and thinks she's better than most pop singers, but she's just what she seems: a P O S E R. I'm not even upset, I hate her, she's stupid. She's everything I hate, a liar, a fake, a wannabe.

At this point I like better Paris Hilton.

No more Avril for me.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. If you're wondering why on Earth I liked Avril's music, I have one simple answer: I'm a pop lover.

I'm all set to watch the latest Harry Potter movie, I bought tickets today. It's always been a tradition to go to the premiere, it's Harry Potter after all. I'm not as big a fan as I used to be, but you know, I want to watch it. It's the tradition. I'm more excited about the last book that will come on July 21 though.

I've been a Harry Potter books fan for a while. I think I just enjoy reading it, but I can't call myself a real fan. I have a hard time remembering things and names, so I guess I'm a lame fan. I think I'm too old for that. LOL.

My all-time favorite? Jane Eyre. =)

XoXo
Gaby

Hmm... I think I'm a tomboy.

I always thought I was a girly girl, until a few days ago. I started hanging out with some girly girls and I felt totally out of place. I don't know how, but I couldn't say anything about the conversation topics, which most of the time were guys, and after that beauty stuff, and after that the typical backstabbing. It took me two weeks to realize I would never adjust, and accepted I am better off hanging out with boys. They're so much better. I also found out...girls are mean. It took me so long... Anyways, better late than never.

Oh, and girlfriends are great but just if they're tomboyish like me. I can't stand super polite, clean, obedient, traditional, plastic girls. They're B O R I N G... and also bitches.

XoXo
Gaby

So, I did go to the party the other day. Why? Mostly because I wanted to get wasted, and perhaps the thought of seeing him had something to do with it. I know, those are stupid reasons. The second more stupid then the first one if you ask me. First of all, he wasn't even there. And even if he had been there, he wouldn't have cared about me.

The whole night was okay, I spent time with friends, drank a little and...well that's about it. It was okay, I won't complain. At 2 A.M. we decided it was time to go home, so we went. And, oh, there he was outside. And it was heartbreaking to see him with a girl, a girl I didn't even get a chance to see. I don't know if it would make me feel better to know who she was. Could be anyone...

I arrived home, went to my bedroom and grabbed my "writing notebook" (couldn't think of a better name for it). And I started writing. Never in my life had I felt that way about him.

You know...there's a lot of cursing so I won't share it. But, bottom line... all I wanted to tell him was: "It's your loss fucking idiot, no one will ever like you like I do, and you will never know what you lost because you never tried it."

Yesterday I cried and cried, and prayed and... accepted that, I just need him desperately, or need not needing him. Whatever God thinks is better for me.

Suddenly I wanted to "express my anger". I wanted to write a hate song or something with a lot of cursing, and I wanted to hit, kick, and scream.

Oh, how I want him desperately. And I can't imagine liking someone the way I like him. My mind tells me that can't be right, but my heart just doesn't believe it. It's just too much.

XoXo
Gaby