I got an 86 on the anatomy test! How great is that? I know it doesn't seem that great, but believe me, it is. Most of my classmates didn't even get to 70, and the only grade better than mine was one 88 and it doesn't even count, but that's a different story.

The reaction of my classmates was somehow unexpected. Not that I care, but I guess it was impossible for them to believe that I deserved that grade. They didn't say much but I noticed they have assumed it had been luck or a mistake. I really don't care. They better get used to it, because now that I know that I can do it, I will. I don't blame them though, I've never been that good, or good at all, but they'll see.

I'm much more determined this time. Cellular biology keeps being a problem though.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. Today I tasted unexplained jealously and sadness for one second, and just remembering the image brings back to me that "thing" to my stomach. I'll tell you later, I don't want to ruin my happy post.

Today I took the anatomy test. I think I did well, but I don't want to get my hopes high. You never know. Yesterday I stayed until 4 a.m. studying (lower and upper limb), something I've never done before, but you know, desperate times, desperate measures.

I really need to get a good grade to prove myself that I can do it, and that I can do better. I need to feel better about myself. I know it's stupid to care this much about grades, and believe me, I have never cared, but this time it's important.

A 70 would be good, but I do want more than that. Anyway, 70 is enough, I don't ask for more, as mediocre as that may seem.

XoXo
Gaby

I'm sick and tired of school.

For the first time I'm thinking maybe they were right, everyone who said I couldn't do this, and that medicine wasn't for me, was right. I can't do this. And I was so sure, I wanted to show them they were wrong about me, but they weren't. A 73 in embryology, a 59 in radiology, a 64 in cellular biology. I can't do this anymore. I thought I would learn from my mistakes and get better, but I really can't. I'm stuck in mediocrity. And it's hard.

I had never cried over school, but this is so much more than just school. It's the fact that I can't do it all, the fact that I was wrong, that it's not enough to want it badly and do your best. My best is not enough.

People always say medicine is not for everyone, and they don't know how cruel it is to say that, and how painful it is to hear it. Especially when you don't have it. And when you don't want anything else but medicine.

I know I can save the school year, but I don't see how. I've tried, and I've tried, and I'm stuck in the 50s and 60s. I didn't want it to be this way, I wanted to be good, and now I don't even know if I'll be. I don't know what else is there for me to do.

XoXo
Gaby

So I didn't study as much as I had planned for today's test. Everything worked out fine though, I guessed some of the answers, and did know the answer to some questions. But I really have to wait and see the grade to be sure.

This weekend I have to study for another test (molecular biology), I think it's one of the hardest subjects, I don't know which one to choose as hardest though. They're all so difficult! Anyway, I hope this time I study more than last time (I got a 68).

My friend Carol keeps telling me she will introduce me to a friend she thinks I may like. There's something about friends introducing me to someone that's wrong. I feel like I have to like and be liked. I know it's nothing like that, but something inside me keeps telling me it's weird. I'll try not to be weird about it though.

It's Friday night and I have no idea of what's my plan for tonight. If there's no plan I'll just study. It's not that bad I guess.

XoXo
Gaby

Today was one of those days where everything I usually bear without complaining seems magnified.

All my cancelled classes sucked...I only had two classes but spent all my morning at school doing nothing.

This stupid boy that hates me keeps being annoying. Today he said hi to Danny but not to me, even though Danny was with me. What's wrong with him? He hates me that much?

My friends' questions and comments are somehow harmful, not because of them, and not because of the questions, because of me, why do I even care?

I forgot to bring money to school, so I didn't eat anything the whole morning.

The woman from the corner store keeps being mean and rude, I tell my mom to stop going there, because there is no need, but she won't listen because she says it's the only store nearby. I prefer not to eat than buying something from that bitch.

One of mom's coworkers called her just to say mean crazy things, I told her to hang up but she didn't. Seriously that bitch is literally crazy, I don't know why my mom puts up with it.


You know what...I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!! If that stupid boy wants to be rude and ignore me, I can be rude too, and if I feel like it I'll ask him: ¡¿Cuál es tu chingado problema?! And I'll answer the whole truth to all of my friends' questions, and I'll answer without shame, because I have nothing to be ashamed. The other bitches are not my problem, but if I have a chance I could tell them: ¡¿Qué?! ¡Pinche vieja! ¡¿ Crees que me haces un favor vendiéndome tu mercancía de mierda de tu tienda hedionda?! ¡No! Ya me tienes harta con tus pinches jetas como si fuera mi culpa que tu vida sea una maldita mierda.

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. On the brightside, tonight I'll watch the first episode of the "new" season of Grey's Anatomy. I know it's not new, but it's new here in Mexico. So...good.

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Something weird and uncomfortable happened today. I have this friend, let's call him Philipp, and we're not that close but we're very fond of each other. We get along really well, we have a lot of fun together "humiliating" each other, but we are also good friends and care. So, there's this nice balance.

My friends sometimes say we like each other, or that we're going to be together someday. At some point, I started wondering if I liked him, and finally concluded I didn't. That was last year.

Today I was sitting outside of the classroom with Philipp. It was different from other times, we were really talking. We talked about school, about our future (separate futures of course), about jobs, and all sorts of things. Then, his girlfriend walked by with her friends, and they sort of implied that he was cheating on her with me, they were just kidding but it was uncomfortable. Then Danny came up and said she had a question for Philipp, I thought she had a perverted question because she was all mysterious about it, but deep inside I feared that she was going to say something about the "love triangle", and she did. Oh, how I wished to hear a perverted question at that moment. She asked: "Doesn't your girlfriend say something about you and Gaby?" He answered just the way we answer to everything: "Yes, she asks me why I compare everything with Gaby, but I just tell her that I only do that to compare her to ugly things."

See, we always call each other uglies.

But hey, is it my imagination, or he talks about me? And do people notice there's this special friendship between us? And does he like me? Do I like him? I'm so very confused. And why, why is he so good to me? He treats me different. I mean, you should see him, he waits for my mom to pick me up so I won't stay alone, and he walked me home once because it was too late and it was dark, and he noticed that I was wearing new jeans, he always asks me to pet him (yeah, I said pet), and sometimes he even says compliments even if it goes against our habitual insulting. On the other hand, when he hugs me (few times) he immediately lets go and tells me not to get excited about it, and the same goes to all compliments.There are a few times when he "hurts" me, especially when he makes clear that he doesn't like me that way, and implies that's the way I think it is, and that I'm so wrong. As if! It's no biggie though, I'm sure I've said hurtful things as well.

I don't even know what's the problem here. I do know what I want. I want a boyfriend or somehing similar to see what happens. Maybe Philipp won't care, maybe he will care but not show it, but I just have to see it. My mind is twisted sometimes, I know! That's why I only blog about it, meanwhile I pretend not to care with my friends. And I follow my "Deny it all!" policy.


XoXo
Gaby

Today was a shitty day, I don't know why, I just know it was. The thought: "I might as well die" crossed my mind for a long hour. It's not that I want to die, it's just that sometimes I feel things won't get better, and even if they do get better someday, I'm sick of waiting, so... I don't mind if I die tomorrow. Tomorrow may be a good day though, so, I may change my mind. You see? There's still hope, stupid hope.

How did today turn into a shitty day? I'm not sure. I was tired the whole day, and that makes me less patient with people and things. I got a 55 on anatomy, it was expected, but still...it didn't make my day. I didn't see the guy that I like and I was looking forward to that. I think what finally got me was my thinking, all this thinking that I do is really overwhelming. It's like I'm thinking way too much things, over and over again, not really reaching conclusions for a while. Sometimes I just have to press the pause button, and just stop it.

Don't ask me what this thinking is all about. I'm not quite sure, and it's the kind of issue you have to really analyze to see what's bothering you, and I don't want to do it, I don't want to find out what's underneath it all. Maybe I already have an idea but I just don't want to confirm it.

Anyway, for today, I'll keep focused on studying, even if it's late (9:30 PM), I'll try to save what's left of this day.

XoXo
Gaby


P.S. I forgot to mention my visit to the dentist, something I hate. So, add that to my stupid day.

Hello everyone.

I had a long weekend thanks to the mexican Constitution or something. I'm not really sure of the reason of this long weekend, but I'm very thankful for it. The first thing I thought when I found out about it (and apparently I was the last one to know), was: "Yay, more time to study anatomy!" Yeah, right. I studied nothing, and the long weekend felt like a regular weekend, maybe even shorter.

Anyway...on Friday I got drunk with vodka and grape juice, and did really really stupid things...but I think my behavior was good overall. However, I wanted to die the next morning, yeah, hangover is a bitch.

Saturday night was way better, some old friends from high school called, and we hang out at Val's place, it was good, like it was before. We went to Sun City (a casino), and I lost 50 pesos, but it was fun. Then we bought beer, but I didn't drink because... after that morning's hangover I didn't want to drink again, and I'm not a huge beer fan.

Sunday was okay, I just went shopping with my mom, looking for the perfect jeans, and just when I thought I wouldn't find any, I tried ones that fitted perfectly. Now that I think about it...Why suddenly am I buying size 2 jeans? I've always been size 1. Hmm, I know that's not important, but it can be a little hard to accept. I think I'll start jogging or something, just in case. Anyway, my jeans are perfect, I think I'll love them, they will be one of "the special occasion jeans", and they're not only nice, but also soft and comfortable.

Oh, and today was okay. My mom bought a sandwich maker. And she bought the bread that I love. Yay! Ok, maybe I love sandwiches too much. We also went to see cars, we're thinking of buying a new one. So...good. And I studied a little, not enough, but it's better than nothing. God...sometimes I feel so mediocre.

Now, if you excuse me, I'm off to making sandwiches with my new sandwich maker.


XoXo
Gaby


P.S. I think I like someone. Finally! I know this someone likes me, but I don't know if he likes me the way I do. I don't even know if he's single, but he loves South Park (just like me), and he's nice. He's from school, so I'll see him tomorrow. =) At least something to look forward to.