This time, it was me who messed things up. It was my fault, and it was my loss, not his. And I realized it today cause a friend told me: "Hey, you totally messed up". How clear is that?

I'm so used to being the victim, being the one deserving to cheer up. I never would have known this is way more painful, the guilt is killing me. He would be so happy if he knew what I'm going through. People have hurt me before, and I would be happy to know they're suffering. It sucks, but it's true.

Today I came home and all I wanted was to sleep to "forget" about it (even though I had to study). It worked while I was asleep, but I'm back to feeling guilty and not really knowing what to do with myself. My friend's words keep repeating in my head.

I heard somewhere it was never too late (The O.C. I think), and I know that can be true but it won't do. He's hurt and if I ask for forgiveness, or even try to give an explanation...well, the brightest picture would be he won't hate me anymore, and being really really optimistic, we could be friends. He won't like me again just because I say I really didn't mean it, that it wasn't me being a mean bitch, but being really really stupid and naive. And he has almost every right, and I say almost, because it's true, I really didn't mean it, I'm just so clueless, I don't know how to act, how to behave, I'm shy and proud (a terrible combination, I've learned). I hurt him without even knowing it, without even wanting to, it was completely the opposite. I liked him, or could have liked him, so he read me all wrong. I don't blame him though.

I guess I won't do this mistake again, and I should just forget about the whole thing and forgive myself (cause he won't). I don't know if I should try to fix things, but I probably won't cause I'm afraid he'll be mean. In other words, I'm afraid of getting what I deserve, I've tortured myself enough. Would that make it worse?

XoXo
Gaby